14 Things That Should Never Be Doubled

I require only 140 characters to sustain life, but I demand more. Feed me! Feed me now, you flightless bipeds!
  1. Ann Coulter’s leg room

2. The size of North Korea’s military hats

3. Tom Brady’s water intake

4. The word count of Kim Zelnick’s Philosophy 102 paper on Descartes, “Cogito Eggo Sum: I Think, Therefore I Am a Waffle”

5. Hot takes

6. Mitch McConnell’s chin

7. Roy Moore’s cross-stamped leather holster collection

8. The image resolution of all post-election selfies I have taken between the hours of 12 midnight and 10 a.m.

9. The number of gravely endangered cats owned by the author of Crafting with Cat Hair

10. Limburger enzymes

11. The OED’s entry for the word brevity

12. The 2,145-pound Northeastern pumpkin that squashed its competition to become the biggest, most terrifying product of vegetation in the country

13. The length of said pumpkin’s tweets

14. This list