The Trump Family Releases a Faulkner-Inspired Fragrance Line
Light in August
Featuring airy middle notes of invasive dogwood, magnolia, narcissus, and other fragile white florals finished with a suggestion of citronella, this nostalgic eau de cologne offers a subtle way to signify your wistful yearning for a return to the antebellum South. A few generous spritzes will disguise the stench of nervous sweat and basement mustiness while letting natural bigotry shine through.
For the haters and Hillary supporters, this overassertive fragrance contains only the essence of crushed orchids, whose perfume reeks of the rotten sweetness of corruption.
Inspired by the man in the Oval Office himself, our most distinctive and well-nigh overpowering scent commands respect with a simple accord of plump unwashed flesh, unfresh clothing, American cheese, and leather. High body heat induced by physical exertion will increase the potency of this fragrance to toxic levels, so it’s best worn by clammy-skinned gents whose activities are limited to duffing around the greens.
Dust and Disuse
An evanescent eau de toilette made from withered rose petals and wisps of iron-gray hair, this pinkwomansmelling scent is the go-to fragrance for desperate spinsters over the age of 35 who seek an aroma that’s as faintly appealing as they now look.
Trees in the Rain
Our petrichor perfume has all the mystery of a coming storm or a slowly unraveling aristocratic family. Middle notes of Gulf Coast sea salt, cedar, and ozone mask base notes of benzene, coliform, mildew, and corporate amorality. Okay, it’s just bottled floodwater, but a bugswirled splash on the wrist goes a long way. All proceeds from the sale of this all-natural, eco-friendly, mosquito-riddled eau de toilette will be donated to the Cato Institute, the Heritage Foundation, and any other organizations funded by the Koch brothers to dispute climate change.
Powder and Glory
Nuke ’em dead with this powerful, smoky scent, which boasts a parade of pungent notes centered around yellowcake uranium boosted by fire and fury. Intended for elected victors, not self-deluded dotards, it intensifies upon contact with the air and releases an unmistakable sillage.
Earthy yet feminine with heart notes of honeysuckle accented by top notes of blooming pear blossoms, fresh-cut pasture grass, damp soil, crinkled linen, and bourgeois tragedy, this classic, slightly cloying fragrance was hand-formulated by Ivanka to remind women that there’s a rebellious, headstrong little girl inside them all. Don’t you dare let her out, though. Ladies should smell like flowers, but they shouldn’t have speaking powers! Use sparingly around the décolletage unless you’re looking to attract emotionally or mentally stunted manchildren who are mesmerized by bright, smooth shapes in the form of fire, firetrucks, golf clubs, and boobs. A parfum version is available for that special kind of pearl-clutcher who thinks female promiscuity is more deserving of shame than pettiness, pussy-grabbing, kiddie kite racketeering, or knocking millions of people off Medicaid.
Masculine and loamy with hints of Russian sage, fir, oakmoss, and the blood of hunted beasts, this bold cologne will bring out your animal magnetism and the slick lumbersexual side your father tried in vain to stamp out. Douse yourself in it for treasonous rendezvous with Kremlin pawns or chilly outdoor photo shoots that require striking exceptionally off-putting poses amid stumppocked scenery.
An Odor of Verbal Violence
Virile vetiver and ironwood are the stars of this savage scent, formulated exclusively for white men who feel that their masculinity is in peril and all women are beholden to them. A test of manhood in a bottle, this aggressive musk gives you license to troll, to be permitted vengeance, to take into your bare hands the fire of an anonymous Twitter account.