I just turned down going for pizza on Sunday because …well, gym.

Ive never been the “sporty” kid. I mean, I was pretty good at running. And once I scored a goal against my Grandads’ shed (accidentally breaking the window…). But I also decided that when I got good enough for the cross country team that it was time to give up. And the shed thing? Accident.

But something has changed. There’s no way i’d usually turn down Franco Manca (unless I was allergic to delicious pizza).

But it happened.

I’ve crossed the invisible line of rolling my eyes at the idea of fitness and exercise. Now i’m the type of person that rocks up to work in yoga pants. And i’m not even sorry.

I‘ve had these thoughts buzzing in my brain. Maybe it’s because i’ve made it into a habit? Or because i’m doing this for me and to complete Tough Mudder.I’m determined to smash the course and raise a lot of money for Parkinson’s Uk whilst doing it.

Perhaps it’s because i’ve joined a yoga/ pilates class. The first thing to actually help me sleep (for what feels like the first time in months). And maybe it’s because since i’ve started working out I actually feel a bit of my creativity coming back.

I don’t feel normal. Not yet. But it gives me hope that I haven’t completely lost the person I was before everything happened. I feel like i’ve been walking around just doing what I need to do to get by. That’s not living life.

I still don’t know if i’ve lost the passion for what i’m doing with my life (and my business), or I just need a break. If I need to find the space to let myself feel things. Or if i’m just feeling this way because of the crushing sadness that has been shadowing me these last months.

I don’t know what the answer is. It’s going to take more than a blog post to work that out. But I do know that exercising, going to the gym and practicing yoga is helping me. And right now it feels better than pizza.