HUMOR

New York: A tiny patch of land at the farthest edge of Staten Island

Tierra Mallorca/Unsplash

This spacious, 7x7 one-bedroom apartment is perfect for a newly-engaged couple’s starter marriage.

Amenities

• Lots of natural light through a single glory hole.

• Lucite floors.

• On-site electricity.

• Vintage outhouse.

• Pet-friendly: We welcome dogs of up to 5.75 lbs that have had their vocal cords surgically removed. Pets must submit to an interview without the presence of their owner.

• Just steps away from an adorable bodega that fulfills all your grocery needs: Velveeta Shells & Cheese, New York Lottery Tickets, and Pillsbury frosting — three flavors! (Sorry, no cake mix available at this time.)

•…


Andreas Wohlfahrt/Pexels

Russell Stover is great and all, but don’t you want to do something that really makes him sit up and say, “Wait, is CVS open on Valentine’s Day?”

1. Create a physical photo album of your favorite memories together.

(This definitely won’t be one of them.)

Remember when you toured the Louvre together or watched him hold his baby niece for the first time? As you flip through the pages together, notice the exact moment it dawns on him that yes, it is too late to make a reservation and no, you are never going to concede that the Cheesecake Factory is fine dining.

2. Dress up in red lingerie.

As you twirl around in your new…


QUIZ

Or are you just horny for anyone who isn’t flagrantly flouting pandemic protocol?

Gryffin M/Unsplash

It’s been so long since you’ve touched a human being, and you’ve forgotten all about things like standards. Alternatively, you live in New York, and you lost all your standards seven years ago when you realized the city means fight or flight when it comes to dating. So, when you stumbled upon a man wearing a mask, it’s easy to immediately be drawn to him as a prospective mate. Beware! Not everyone who follows COVID rules is automatically suitable partner material.

So, is he actually hot? Or are you just desperate for someone who isn’t actively endangering the lives of…


By Betsy Dee DeVos ❤

Image: Wikimedia Commons
  1. Donated $100,000 to private schools rather than kids in need
    New field hockey uniforms are a much worthier cause.
  2. Tee-peed a local public school.
    Look hard enough, and you’ll find the numbers for the admissions
    offices at my five favorite boarding schools written in lemon juice.
    (I was striving for diversity, so only half are from the UES, and the
    other half are situated in New England.)
  3. Created 1,000 handmade “I.O.U.” vouchers from Millennial
    Tears.

    To be cashed in at any underfunded public school of your choice –
    all of them!
  4. Attended President Trump’s pet luncheon to save me a…


Satire

Kids Today and Their New-Fangled Drugs

Photo: Phillip Goldsberry/Unsplash

There is a plague sweeping the youth of today. These vagrants are flooding the streets, banging pots and pans, and shouting expressions of joy, all thanks to a euphoric high produced by a new menace: overthrowing a neo-Nazi leader.

Our research* shows that voting for alternatives to now-Citizen Trump produces a reaction very similar to the drug MDMA, more commonly known by its street name Molly. Incidentally, Molly is also the name of libs like:

• Molly Ball, who wrote Pelosi, even though the “Speaker”** Nancy Pelosi is a Communist in…


HUMOR

Four Seasons? More Like Fuck You Seasons.

Photo by Teresa Douglas

It has come to my attention that the Weather app Carrot believes I’m too “sensitive” for the current air quality. As these accusations have been leveled against me, I feel it is essential to address them in an open forum.

You know who’s sensitive? A certain someone who thinks it’s “totally reasonable” to buy regular Coke when I specifically said diet and apparently wants me to get fat, presumably so his quarantine 20 won’t look so appalling next to me.

Furthermore, let me say that my air purifier was gifted to me by my great aunt, may she rest in…


Proving you can be a powerful role model for children once you have a hot bod

Image from Unsplash

Have you frequently thought, “Susan B. Anthony was pretty cool, but I wish she had been just a little bit hotter? Mattel agrees, and that’s why they want to make sure every girl has one of their Inspiring Women dolls. Because until their flaws have been cut away, how will children care what they did? Rosa Parks with wrinkles? No, thank you! Rosa Parks with legs for days? Yes, please!

Check out our lineup of other heroines—now with conventional attractiveness that makes them worthy of our admiration.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Sporting bright red pumps and a peace sign necklace made out of pearls…


April 2, 2020. We hate cheating! We hate it so much that we at the College Board have made our tests fully cheating-proof, as you’ll see below, and infiltrated Reddit to catch students who aren’t cheaters yet but have that glint in their eye.

Because our exams are an objective, unequivocal measure of how smart someone is, our assessment experts have developed questions designed to thwart all students who are attempting to skirt the system through digital deception rather than skirting the system by taking expensive classes.

For example:

SAT: Evidence-Based Reading

Passage:
I like cheddar, parmesan, ricotta, mozzarella, gruyere, and fontina.

From…


A Quiz

Photo: Pixabay

When you drop your child off at college, it’s natural to be apprehensive, sending your baby off into the ether of unknown territory, hoping that they’ll find a solid circle of like-minded young adults but also remember to call you regularly and ask for your home cooking. It’s also natural to wonder if you’re sending them off to gain critical-thinking and job-readiness skills or to be ritually sacrificed to the gods in a manner akin to Iphigenia at Aulis.

To set your mind at ease or fuel your Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), ask yourself the following:

1. Your child’s new…


Photo by Vadim Sherbakov on Unsplash

It is with great regret that we rescind our frankly delusional insistence that we will be embracing buzzwords like “hybrid learning” this fall and, instead, continue teaching on Zoom, like you knew we were going to do all along.

The regret is not because we think such instruction is sub-par and not worth full tuition, which we will continue to charge you. Rather, it is because we are saddened that 18–22-year olds are not mature enough to handle a college experience in which they sit in their dorm rooms separated by ineffectual partitions from their roommates every second they are…

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Writer of words. Mocker of people and things. Dog mom to Hercules Elton John. Contributor to Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, and Funny-ish.

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