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Insecure: Hella Self-Sabotage

I am a huge fan of shows that show the complexity of dating, especially ones that highlight real life issues about people that look like me. A show in particular that has grabbed my attention for a while now, is Insecure on HBO. A character whom I’ve related with the most this season has been Molly Carter, played by the gorgeous Yvonne Orji. She is a dynamic lawyer, who has been struggling with her love life for 2 seasons. She is prospering when it comes to her career and friends, but lacking when it comes to dating and relationships.

Molly Carter, is a successful and strong willed black woman. She’s dabbled in the dating scene, going after men with similar status as she, but who lack the emotional connection and attraction. When it comes to her personal life and relationships, Molly just can’t seem to get out of her own way. She’s been her own victim of self-sabotage, by concocting nearly impossible standards that men can never live up to. The Molly I’ve seen in season 1 was close minded and shallow, not allowing herself the opportunity to prosper in dating. She’s gone for the superficial aspect of a relationship (the status and money), without really trying to connect.


What is self sabotaging? My definition is creating problems that interfere with your own success. It’s any action that gets in the way of you achieving your goals. This ranges from work self sabotaging, by procrastinating to complete a project deadline that’s due the next day and relationship self sabotaging; finding small faults in your partner or by even comparing them to an ex. Self-Sabotaging, in a large part, is when we allow our ego to get in the way. We are conditioned to act a certain way in fear of getting hurt, therefore never letting our guard down and taking a chance on love. It is an emotional fight or flight response to our emotional well-being.In most cases, people aren’t aware of their self sabotage ways, until it’s too late.

I’m sure most women have been Molly at some point in their life. Setting ridiculously high standards, that we often don’t live up to our selves. Don’t get me wrong, it is essential to have standards; but be mindful of what you’re bringing to the table as well. Here I was in college, wanting a man with a nice car, a decent job. Yet, there I was car-less and job-less. What was I bringing to the table other than my brains,a bottle, and good looks? I needed to have my own things together, before I could finesse the dating scene.

In season 2, Molly took more steps in dating, and I was proud of her when she started talking to Sterling K. Brown (one of the lead actors in This is Us). I thought, “Yes Molly!! Finally a fwineeee brother with a good job and respectful!” She even brought him to her parents house. I thought Molly was getting her act together; hell, we all did.

She wasn’t rid of her old ways just yet. She managed to get involved with her friend, who is in an open marriage. This set off red flags from the beginning. His charm and familiarity had Molly repeating old habits.

Later on in the season she connected with a lawyer in Chicago, who was funny, good looking, and charming. They vibed well together, took each other out a few times, and I just knew Molly was actually going to get out of her own head for once. It seemed like all was right in the world, when the season finale was coming to a close. I just knew she was getting sexy for my mans from Chicago, but no. Two steps forward and one step back.

Familiarity is like a drug

How do you stop Hella Self-Sabotaging?

You stop self-sabotaging, by getting out of your own damn way! Stop over thinking every situation, and learn to go with the flow. The way I stopped self-sabotaging in relationships,was by giving folks a chance I wouldn’t usually go for. So what if he’s short, I vibe with him. So what if he doesn’t have the nicest car, he respects me. So what if he doesn’t make 6 figures, he’s an entrepreneur and is going to be his own boss one day.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can stop the cycle of self sabotaging.

Step one involves separating from attitudes and thoughts that are destructive and self blaming. Enough of the self doubt and negativity. Vibrate higher and attract that which you seek.

Step two requires us to separate from the negative traits brought on by our parents and peers. These interactions earlier on in our life have an affect on our psyche and development. Our parents marriage and or dating life may affect how we navigate in our own dating life. As children we internalize behavior, and if we see our parents hopping from one relationship to the next, we may view this as a norm and eventually do the same. Unlearn old habits that no longer suite you.

Step Three involves being open to stepping outside of your box. You’re dream job or relationship is right outside of your comfort zone. You just have to be hella brave and take a leap.

Be great fam and get out of your own way!

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