When the World is just a Giant Network of People Fucking Up

I can’t even begin to list the number of questionable choices I’ve made on this New Zealand trip.

Splurging for country wide bus tours that I only spent 7 days? 8 days on? Road trip routes that made no sense. Eating rotten vegetables because I had it in my head I was going to cook this dinner tonight and a little brown broccoli never hurt anyone. Drunk McDonalds on drunk McDonalds. Birkenstocks instead of running shoes. Blister after blister. Forgetting my towel at every hostel and forgetting my shirt was hanging on the back of the door and kicking myself because I don’t have enough clothes to warrant leaving any men behind.

I have fucked up a lot.

BUT.

I think that was my only option. Because really, that’s all life is. One giant fuck up.

Well, more like billions of individual fuck-ups under one umbrella called the world.

Billions and billions of people trying and failing and trying again. Laughing it off and sometimes crying about it and listening to what happened to her and knowing you won’t make the same mistake she did.

Making the same mistake she did. Laughing more and crying again and writing about your hopes and fears and feeling embarrassed by how many things you’re scared of.

Facing them. Spending too much money and wasting too much time and caring about too many people that don’t care about you.

Giving into those people. Forgetting to stand up for yourself. Feeling bad about who you are and what you’re wearing and forgetting to call your Mom because you’re still watching Netflix.

Leaving your debit card in the machine. Sneaking on the streetcar and getting fined hundreds of dollars. Bad work days and boring ideas. Accidentally hanging up on your friend because your battery ran out (again). Buying a magic bullet and breaking it as soon as you take it out of the box.

Learning from your failures and helping each other through theirs.

And sometimes my fuck ups contribute to your successes. Sometimes vice-versa. Because all we’re doing is living and learning from everyone’s fuck ups and helping each other until we fuck up again.

And then we’ll learn from that too, and life will go on.

We’ll start our health kick and do so well until Saturday night hits and we find ourselves sitting on the curb in the wee hours of the morning eating a[nother]poutine.

We’ll re-install Candy Crush on our phones and forget to socialize because we just want to beat one more level. We’ll mispronounce words and drop a wine glass at our friends’ engagement party and it’s so embarrassing.

We’ll hurt people, And maybe we won’t notice how badly and maybe we won’t even care until we get hurt down the road and remember what it feels like.

We’ll become better people. We’ll hold the door for that lady and be kind to the waitress even though everything is so slow and the food sucks because we know deep down it isn’t her fault. We’ll lend change to a stranger when they’re coming up short and we’ll make it our mission in life to recycle everything we can because the world depends on it, people.

And of course, sometimes we suck. We’re grumpy and tired and argue with people we love just because we need someone to let it out on. We forget to pay our credit card bill and get so annoyed at the interest charge that we don’t even say thank you when the barista hands us our coffee because we’re too preoccupied by our own emotion.

We stress about money and clothes and the fact we ate a giant hot dog for dinner and why can’t we have more self control? And why is she so much better than me and if only I was like her life would be perfect. We spend money on shoes we don’t need and food we don’t want and ignore that guy collecting cash for a cause.

We don’t read the fine print and misread directions and end up late to the Birthday party because we fell asleep and forgot to set an alarm AGAIN.

And this is, when you really think about it, all life really is — and all life really should be. It’s not just the milestones and the photo-worthy moments and the stuff that everyone gets to see. It’s about everything in between. The tiny, unexpected moments that make us laugh and think and cry and kiss that person because you just want to know. It’s about all the fuck ups and all the lessons and all the hilarious misfortunes you share over that plate of Nachos you know you shouldn’t be eating but can’t say no to.

I have made an alarming number of questionable life choices. I will continue to make an alarming number of questionable life choices. And that’s the only way it can be. A continuous fuck up, live, laugh, learn cycle.

So the point is, relax. And keep fucking up. Because that’s all the world is; a giant, spread out, beautiful group of billions of people fucking up and helping each other and eating ice cream at midnight. So don’t worry too much that you lost your key again and texted a really embarrassing response to that guy. It had to happen. Just keep fucking up, and we’ll all be fine.