“white architectural building” by Robin Spielmann on Unsplash

Want to Know If Your Relationship Is Screwed Up? Maybe It Is You…

Leann Harris
Aug 31, 2018 · 5 min read

I highly doubt the folks who really need an article written explicitly for them to explain the ways in which they are screwing up their relationships would read anything with this title. However, for the rest of us who have been doing the self-reflection / meditating / therapy / inner work / eating of the kale that is required for a happy relationship, I do have something for you.

Let me suggest if you feel like you have a side-job googling for articles about how to determine if your relationship is messed up and can you save it, chances are it’s not actually you.

However, everyone likes a good 3-item list so here you go:

1. You are the one who initiates all the “we need to talk” conversations.

I put this one first because this is usually the first thing people notice. “Why am I always bringing this topic up?” is the typical thought. Now, if you are merely complaining in each of these conversations, then this one might be on you. But if you are asking for these talks because you feel ignored or disrespected, or the other person NEVER brings up anything deeper than “what’s for dinner?”, this is a good sign that there’s an imbalance in the relationship that should be given side-eye.

2. You initiate emotional contact.

Iam not talking about the hottie you’re with for the next 6 hours. I mean in your day to day life, are you the one who goes to reach for a hand, give a kiss, ask for a hug? Dr John Gottman calls this “bids for affection” in his book The Relationship Cure.

The Relationship Cure Book

You might be stuck in a “ pursuer / distancer” kind of dynamic, and this is not fun for the person who just wants affection to be a balanced give and take.

A good example of this: you just got home and you ask your partner about their day, and get a “meh”. They do not reciprocate with “I don’t want to talk about it but how was yours” so you start sharing anyway, in the hope that the other person will join in on the sharing or at least listen. Most of the time, neither of this actually happens and you walk away feeling confused and the other person feels frustrated they were bothered. Which leads me to #3…

3. You are doing the emotional labor.

Not everyone is going to be working on being emotionally intelligent 100% of the time. It ebbs and flows: I get that. But if you are with someone who is LONG overdue for some emotional reflection time and you feel like you are the only one who ever thinks about it, I’m going to give you permission to just stop. You are not going to get your needs met, and the other person is not going to change. Why should they? You are the one doing all the work, making it easy for the other person to just coast along.

If the bells in your head are suddenly much louder, there are two steps you can take.

“person taking photo of white feather” by Nico Frey on Unsplash

Stop and Soften

You have permission to stop trying to fix everything and, more importantly, be gentle with yourself. You have been doing the labor of two people and you truly are only one person. You, alone, cannot keep two hearts intertwined when only one reaches out.

Sometimes people think I mean “pause” when I really do mean “stop”. Don’t put all of your effort on hold yet secretly wait the other person out, hoping that backing off will somehow convince them to take action. 99.9% of the time this doesn’t work, yet 99% of people think they will be part of the .1%.

Here’s Your Permission Slip

You have permission to soften that hard, protective shell of yours and meet your own needs. Think of this as an internal shift for you. You’re not withdrawing, you’re not withholding; you are merely not pushing the boulder up the hill any longer. You are going to stand next to the bolder and tend to your own wounds.

I’m not saying this is easy, nor will it feel natural at first. What I am saying is that this may help clarify in *your* head what you need, in or out of a relationship.

I’m also not saying you need to leave immediately. This, too, can be a form of emotional over-control, a sign you’re still thinking “Well, if I have to wait around forever, then somebody has got to be the captain of this ship!”. I’m also not saying stay.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves time to grieve before we can leave. You grieve the loss of hope. This death of potential is hard because we must remind ourselves this invisible loss is a real as a physical death.

The hardest part of figuring out what to do in a particular situation is being kind enough to yourself to find out what you need. Most of the time, we are so busy trying to change the other person, or change the situation, prove we are right, prove the other person deficient, or prove our own worth that we don’t know how to just sit down in the middle of it and cry our eyes out.

I am the Head Cheerleader for #TeamTakeAction, but sometimes that action is an internal shift that has been long delayed because you have been focused on outer circumstances or you fear you’ll fall apart.

“white neon light signage” by John Baker on Unsplash

Three Bad Things Could Happen

The third worst thing that could happen if you don’t take time to address your pain and fears is that you’ll eventually have a huge fight and break up.

The second worst thing that could happen is that you’ll just keep living like this, emotionally hungry and continuing this pattern for the rest of your lives.

The absolute, completely worst thing that could happen is you break up and then repeat this same cycle with the next person. And the next person. And the next.

Never giving yourself time to learn from your mistakes so you can make a change predicts that you will just repeat them over and over and over again, hurting other people in the process.

If that’s you, maybe the title of this article really does fit you.

Leann Harris

Written by

Shelf-care is self-care. Learn what to DO with that stack of self-help books you love! instagram.com/shelf_aware_

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