The Case for Queer Eye’s Antoni Being A Deep Cover Assassin

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The whole gay world is a agog at the new, emotionally open and therapeutic Queer Eye series on Netflix and its handsome Food and Wine expert, Antoni. While most arguments are about if he can actually cook, I want a raise a bolder and more fundamental question: is Antoni Porowski a secret agent in deep cover as a reality show host? My case follows.

  • He is only relaxed around knives
  • Very excited about basements
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  • Lights up when discussing things arranged in ‘logical organized ways’
  • We all love a dimpled chin, a killer smile, and a vague sense of scanning the room for exits and potential threats
  • Not present for dancing lessons, is present for boxing lessons
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  • Proper response to emotion
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  • Wears crisp, untouched Strokes t-shirts from 2004 and leather jackets that have never seen sunlight
  • Also
  • Mentions very wild, gay past in the Mediterranean. You know who else had a wild gay time in the Mediterranean?
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  • He puts yogurt in guacamole, indicating he has never actually eaten guacamole

I’m not saying he’s a recently unfrozen super solider on a mission in the metro Atlanta area given a brief primer on what a ‘hip’ gay guy in 2018 looks like, I’m just saying it would explain a lot.

Written by

Writer and cartoonist for The Toast, The Awl, and The New Yorker. That guy you met at that party once. More at leavittalone.com

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