By John Leavitt

<<A long pan over trees and flowers with the big white baking tent in the background>>

VO: The week over, let’s rejoin PAT and DAISY back in the tent as our bakers eagerly await their Showstopper challenge.

PAT: Did you have a restful week Dase? I certainly did, pickled all the whelks I could find for winter.

DAISY: I collected windfall apples and berries the birds didn’t snatch from our country’s many large, productive, and well-staffed farms.

PAT: The theme of this week’s Showstopper challenge was “Scavenging”, to see the most delicious and creative dishes our bakers could make using only ingredients found in and around the Hirren-on-Hull encampment.

DAISY: Given the current situation, many baking supplies such as peanut butter, coconut, cognac, or salt have been unavailable. But I’m sure we’re going to see some knock-out surprises using only good, old-fashioned English ingredients. Here are the survivors.

<<Five contestants line up at the front of the tent carrying their dishes>>

VO: EMMA, 18, is a student nurse for PayAsUGo Hospitals Ltd in Bolsover. Bachelor CRAIG, 46, is an Information Corrections Officer from Torridge. STEVEN, 33, is a married seawall engineer in South Holland. ROSE, 77, is a grandmother from Castle Point with three grandchildren guarding the Irish border. And last but not least, LIAM, 29, is a benefits scrounger.”

LIAM: What?

<<LIAM drops his dish on the floor>>

PAT: Thought you could get away with it didn’t you?

DAISY: Two bedrooms and only pays tax on one!

LIAM: It’s barely a pantry!

<<Guards in aprons bum rush LIAM off the screen>>

PAT: Very sad when a bake falls like that. Remaining lovelies, please place your bakes on the table to face judgement.

<<Judges PETER and LIZ enter the tent>>

PETER: Now this challenge is going for locality, creativity, and edibility. Let’s see how they rank up.

VO: First on the chopping-block is ROSE’s Nostalgic Nettle Surprise Cake with nettle filling, nettle glaze, nettle icing, and topped with charred nettles.

PETER: It’s a very assertive taste, isn’t it?

LIZ: And it feels like it would take a long time to eat, which, as you know would make you feel more full. Very good.

VO: CRAIG is presenting a traditional Quarter-pound cake studded with buttons and a fun, fruity, found item filling.

PETER: It’s a very dry bake isn’t it? Not a moist crumb?

LIZ: You’re right, I think it’s the lack of milk or sugar that’s the problem. But the sultanas and cigarette butts come through marvelously, a flavor like that takes me back to the old days.

VO: Next up, STEVEN’s Crumbled Jaffa Cake Fantasy Over Milk.

LIZ: Now there’s a color you don’t see much anymore.

PETER: Now these Jaffa Cakes are stale, correct?

STEVEN: Yes sir, but I found some condensed milk and put them in, to moisten it up a little.

LIZ: Real condensed milk? That’s brilliant.

STEVEN: Well not, real, real I found a packet of powdered milk and boiled it down until it fit into the saucer.

LIZ: I see.

PETER: Steve, you know what I’m going to say. You left in the liquid in too long. Bit of a soggy bottom problem.

VO: And finally, student nurse Emma with, a Leek.

PETER: Is that real? Not fondant?

EMMA: Yes, I dug it out by the dunes once I got under the razorwire..

LIZ: It really is a lovely shape, and so big. May I have it?

EMMA: I fought a rat for it.



EMMA: Yes ma’am.

VO: With the bakes put away, our judges discuss who stays on and who leaves the tent.

DAISY: Who would you say is in danger this week?

PETER: I’d say we’re all in danger, all the time, from envious enemies both inside and out, but I Liz and I have a few ideas.

<<the bakers line up again at the front of the tent>>

PAT: You all wowed us with your ingenuity and ability to stay alive, but one of you stung us with inspiration this week. ROSE, you are our star baker and winner of a free injection of prenatal vitamins.

DAISY: And now it is my unhappy job to say one of you left us high and dry. CRAIG, I’m afraid it’s time to leave the tent and go back to the camps.

CRAIG: I knew I should’ve included the sawdust for texture. Rookie mistake.

STEVEN: I’m just happy I’m not leaving this week. there’s a cholera outbreak in my section.

EMMA: I’m gonna eat that rat.

PAT: That’s it for us now, be sure to check in next week for the Semifinals when three bakers will go head to head for the privilege of being hunted for sport on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s historic Somerset estate. Until then, keep vigilant guard and keep on baking!

Written by

Writer and cartoonist for The Toast, The Awl, and The New Yorker. That guy you met at that party once. More at

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