It’s insane to have to talk about this in the year of our lorb 2019, but here we are. People are still out here putting together presentations that are utterly ineffectual and — more importantly — make my heart hurt.
You don’t have to be a designer to make a decent presentation. You just need to embrace minimalism and try to follow as many of these rules as you can:
It took me several paragraphs of waiting for the punchline to realize that this is not, in fact, satire. The easy answer to this question is actually DON’T DO IT EVER AT ALL NEVER EVER, but let’s dig deeper.
1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).
1. Place yourself directly in her path, so that she feels like she has no escape. Stand close enough to breathe on her. Let her take in your pheromones.
2. Have a confident, easy-going smile.
2. Leer. Like, a lot. Form your lips into an uneasy grimace.
3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it. …
Hey Greg, so pumped to be working with you. I’ve heard great things, you’re a really talented designer.
Some thoughts on this Mother’s Day poster:
I want the lighting to be as ambiguous as possible. Their skin should be both matte and shiny, like they’re all on the verge of spontaneous human combustion. They should seem lit from within, like an LCD screen.
I need Julia’s eyes crazier. Yes I know she already has crazy eyes but let’s turn it up to an 11. Her eyes should look like she’s just been informed she’s getting her own personal 12 hour Purge, and her mouth needs to look like that of a shitty ventriloquist in the middle of a performance. …