How to talk to a woman wearing headphones (AKA how to talk to a woman who has zero interest in your Game)

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The internet has been aflutter with outrage about this article, and when it comes to outrage I hate to be left out, so I dug out my pitchfork (just kidding — it was readily accessible from recent use) and joined in.

It took me several paragraphs of waiting for the punchline to realize that this is not, in fact, satire. The easy answer to this question is actually DON’T DO IT EVER AT ALL NEVER EVER, but let’s dig deeper.

What to Do to Get Her Attention

1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).

1. Place yourself directly in her path, so that she feels like she has no escape. Stand close enough to breathe on her. Let her take in your pheromones.

2. Have a confident, easy-going smile.

2. Leer. Like, a lot. Form your lips into an uneasy grimace.

3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it.

3. Since you’re standing LESS THAN FIVE FEET FROM HER, she has definitely definitely definitely noticed you and is avoiding eye contact like it’s Ebola. Wave your hands at her menacingly.

4. When she looks at you, smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean.

4. If she’s still very intentionally ignoring you, mime at her that you’d like to verbally harass her. Women aren’t super smart and need a bit more instruction in these situations.

In most cases, you won’t have to go to that extreme, but some girls are shy and will be hesitant about taking their headphones off initially.

Yes, if by “shy”, you meant “assault-averse”, and by “hesitant”, you mean “terrified”.

5. If she takes off her headphones to talk to you, do what we call “Acknowledging the Awkwardness” by quickly mentioning something about the potential awkwardness of the moment (see the conversation example below), to demonstrate you understand that approaching a woman in this way isn’t the most common of experiences for either party.

Uncommon? No. I barely leave the house and this kind of shit happens to me on the reg. And the guys who do this, do it constantly. Also, step 5 is to actually acknowledge that what you are doing suuuucks, by dressing it up as “awkwardness”. You know what else is awkward? Being dragged into a bush and chloroformed. Suuuuper hate it when I’m out for a run and that happens — it’s just so awkward being discovered by a stranger, fifteen feet off of a tranquil park pathway, unclothed.

Okay, next up:

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women Who Are Wearing Headphones

I mean, I think this is easy, and there’s only one: most common mistake is doing it at all. But putting that aside for the moment, here are thoughts from my own experience.

1) Approaching with your dick still in your pants. Guys, this is a big one. How is a woman going to assess your worth if you don’t show her your best asset at the outset? Be warned — some women are going to scream when they first see your dick peeking out of your pants, but they’re just shy. Persistence is key here. Some people are probably going to tell you that flapping your wares in public is an actual crime, but how are you ever going to meet women if you don’t put your best dick forward?

2) Forget to compliment her on how hot she is. The only reason I leave the house is to crowdsource opinions on how I look. Sure I could just have my groceries delivered, but then how will I know how desirable I am to men? After all, if you’re a woman in a public space, you have essentially demanded attention, no matter how sloppy your sweatpants or how deeply drilled into your ears your headphones are. Here I am world, RATE ME. If I didn’t want opinions on my looks or my body, I should have used the sewer system to ambulate myself to the grocery store, Ninja Turtle style.

3) Giving up too easily. Okay, < — that is verbatim from the article. Here’s the deal guys — women like an assertive, strong man who ignores all social queues and just puts himself out there. When I ignore a man flailing for my attention, I’m actually just playing coy and hard-to-get. I want him to work for it. This creates allure, and lets him know that you’re worth the effort he’s putting into the endeavor. If I avert eye contact and try to sidestep around you, know that we’re are in the initial throes of an awkward but passionate courtship. Don’t give up — true love is at stake.

4) Not expressing your displeasure at being shot down. If all else fails, it’s important to let the frigid lesbian know that she’s actually not even hot — fat even! As she’s scurrying away, back to her lesbo cave, call her a bitch or a cunt. If you fail to do this, she’ll feel bolstered in her success at shooting you down, and it’s important to keep her in her place. No one likes an uppity bitch.

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