Shakespeare Is Bae

Don’t F*ck With The Bard

Every summer my neighborhood hosts a performance called Shakespeare in Clark Park. This year the play was The Two Gentlemen of Verona. I had an . . . eventful evening.

Because of the person I am, I arrived 20 minutes late. Then, as I was searching for my friends, got stung by a bee. Later, I wasted my money on some fried, sugared, fish batter a food truck was trying to pass off as funnel cake. The entire play ran over two hours without an intermission. Raucous children screamed and frolicked in the playground visible behind the set. At one point a neighborhood weirdo crossed directly in front of the action and tipped his newsboy cap to the players.

Ah, Philadelphia. There’s no place like home.

It’s a good thing I’m a die hard Shakespeare fan. His plays always get me in my feelings.

By the end of the play, our hero, Valentine, had been through it. He’s been banished from Verona and separated from his true love, Silvia. Her father, the Duke of Milan has promised her to this jackass named Thurio. Valentine’s best friend, Proteus offers to help and then tries to woo Silvia as well behind his back. 
Silvia is a loyal, boss ass bitch. She’s like, “Proteus, don’t you have a girlfriend?” And he’s like, “Uh, kind of, but it’s complicated.” So she agrees to send his pathetic ass a selfie and tells him to GTFOH.

Eventually, Silvia and Valentine are reunited in the woods, but not before she is kidnapped by outlaws and Proteus threatens to rape her. When Thurio and the Duke catch up with the lot of them, he prods Thurio to man up and claim his woman.

And Valentine’s reaction is EVERYTHING:

Thurio, give back, or else embrace thy death; 
 Come not within the measure of my wrath; 
 Do not name Silvia thine; if once again, 
 Verona shall not hold thee. Here she stands; 
 Take but possession of her with a touch: 
 I dare thee but to breathe upon my love.

< TRANSLATED IN REAL TALK>

Thurio, if you don’t back the fuck up, I will end you. 
 Do not test me. 
 You may think you run this town;
 But speak her name one more time;
 So help me God; 
 There will be no safe place for you to hide. 
 Go on. Try it. She’s standing right here. Lay a finger on her;
 And-I-pro-mise-you *hand claps Kevin Hart style on each syllable*
 I-will-light-you-up. 
 Just breathe in her general direction. 
 I wish a motherfucker would.

Thurio cowers and Pops was like, “Respeck, Valentine. Take my daughter. You’ve earned my blessing.”

THE END

Don’t tell me Shakespeare wasn’t gangster. Where can I find a man like that?#‎relationshipgoals