This Is Why I Am 45 and Single

So You Can Stop Asking Me

“So, how is it that you’re still single?”

His attempt to phrase the question as a compliment failed spectacularly. It was our first date and I knew he was fishing for an answer that would assuage his fears about dating a woman who was single in her forties and had never married or had any children. I couldn’t honestly say I was single entirely by choice; otherwise I wouldn’t have started Leona’s Love Quest nearly three years ago.

In case you’re new here, I’ll review the basics or you:

My Approach: First of all, don’t come here looking for articles about how great it is to be a single woman. I applaud women who embrace their single status and have little or no need for a romantic relationship, I’m just not one of them. I am actively seeking a man to share my life with and there’s little you can say about it that I haven’t already heard. I’ve been gathering so much information about dating, attraction, and self-love over the years that I’m writing my own book about it. I have an active social life, I have good friends and I don’t cry into my pillow at night from loneliness (anymore.) Furthermore, the idea that I’ll only find love when I stop looking is total bullshit. Only those who were able to find love before they felt compelled to look for it have the luxury to buy into that belief. I gave love plenty of time to find me on its own, but my love must have gotten lost along the way and wouldn’t stop to ask directions. I’m sending out a search party.

My Appearance: I am 45 years old, but most people say I look at least ten years younger. I am neither fit nor fat thanks to a regimen of rigorous workouts and high carb diet that is soaked in alcohol and covered in cheese. I prefer to think of it as maintaining a delicate balance rather than engaging in one activity that negates the other. It’s still a work in progress.

My Personality: I am a cheerful, welcoming extrovert who enjoys being feminine and being in the company of men. I’m not bold enough to approach an attractive man and give him my number, but I have no problem telling a cutie on the subway I like his shoes and seeing where things go from there.

My Ideal Match: I understand that nobody’s perfect. I don’t have a ridiculously long laundry list of “must-haves” for my perfect mate. I’m basically looking for someone who is passionate about pursuing some goals or interests and is generally kind and respectful. I have some other preferences, but once I connect with someone I typically find most of that stuff is negotiable.

So, you may be wondering, “If I’m so wonderful why am I still single?” which is fair enough because I’ve been asking myself the same question. After three years of extensive research, I think I can finally provide you an honest answer. I present to you, The Top Five Reasons Why I Am Still Single:

1. I’m Too Old. Forty-five really isn’t all that old, but being over 30 changes the dating game completely. First of all, most of the men that are interested in dating a “younger” woman in my age bracket are old enough to be my dad. Too many men my age are either happily married, unhappily married, or bitter from their recent divorce. If there are kids involved, then we’ve got to schedule dates around his child custody arrangements. I think people who have children are much more understanding about dating someone else with children. After being footloose and fancy free for most of my life, I’m even a little annoyed with my friends who need to plan their evening around the feeding schedule of their cat. I’ve stopped investing my precious time in anyone who places me too low on their priority list. I’m too old for that shit.
2. I’m Too Cute. You know how some women are just so gorgeous that their looks intimidate men from approaching them? Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I think I might have been hot for a few days between the years of 1989 and ’91; since then, I’ve firmly fallen under the category of being cute. Cute women don’t turn heads when they walk into a room. They don’t typically exude the kind of confidence and sex-appeal that draw men to them like a magnet. At best, we attract men who want to take care of us — until they find out we’re already doing pretty good job of taking care of ourselves. Then they’ll go find someone more helpless and hot. A cute woman’s sexiness is more subtle or cerebral. Plus, we have too much fun seeing the looks on people’s faces when we decide to vamp it up to be that sexy every day.
3. I Am Just As Broke As I Am Bougie. As you can imagine, it’s hard being broke when you’re bougie as hell. Like many of us who got swept under the rug of the American Dream, I’m over-educated and underpaid. I lack the sense of entitlement needed to pursue the life of a gold-digger, and I’m not so poor that I’ve given up hope. It’s the middle ground, where everything I want is always slightly out of reach, that really stings. It’s more about maintaining a certain level of standards than living a life of luxury. Some men seem perfectly content living like a college student until they meet a woman who wants to make things nice. Their bills are never paid on time and their credit score is a mess. They’ll rent a decent apartment and then furnish it with a folding chair, a futon, and a 60” flat screen HD TV. I think a grown-ass man should want things nice for himself before I come into his life.
4. I Am Never In the Right Place At The Right Time. I love when I ask a couple how they met and they recount some cute-meet, serendipitous tale about how their friends introduced them, or how they unexpectedly ran into each after many years apart, or how their eyes locked from across a crowded room — you know what I mean. I can’t remember the last time anything remotely like that happened to me. If there’s an empty seat next to me on a plane, the person who fills it will either have a crying baby, a wife, or weigh 300 lbs. and fall asleep on my shoulder. Whenever I do meet a guy I connect with he’s either a.) Just gotten out of a relationship, b.)Just getting into a relationship, c.) Just accepted a job in another state, or d.) Just found out his ex-girlfriend is a little bit pregnant. I swear I may have the worst luck in the history of dating.
5. Statistically, There Really Is a Man Shortage. I understand that statistics of this sort of are usually kind of sketchy; nonetheless, according to this article on Vice, there simply aren’t enough college-educated men to go around. Black women more than any other group are more likely to marry men who are less educated than them, particularly those who are not open to interracial dating. I think we’ve all seen the statistics on how well that’s been working for most of them. However, I’ve come to the realization that success with interracial dating can vary widely depending on the person’s age, appearance, and the location (see reasons why I am single #1, #2 and #4.)

Being open to dating interracially isn’t always enough. No matter how many times I rewrite my online dating profile or change my pictures, I am most often contacted by black men who have children out of wedlock and no college degree. My dates with well-educated, non-black men in their forties have been few and far between. A few people have suggested that I would have better luck dating overseas where the men have a greater appreciation for black women. Until I can come up with the finances to get there, (see reason #3) I’ll have to continue seeking out the men in this country that prefer what black women have to offer.

The next time someone asks me why I am still single I suppose the most accurate answer would be, “It’s complicated.” What I’d really like to say is, “It’s none of your damned business!” but I doubt that would go over well on a first date. Aside from slipping into a coma, living at a monastery, or being held hostage for several years, I can’t think of too many good reasons a woman my age might be single anyway. Sometimes Cupid just enjoys being a fickle bastard. On the bright side, that is an equally good reason to believe his arrow could strike at any moment. In the meantime, I guess I’ll keep standing here, bracing myself for contact.