My boyfriend loves his iPhone more than he loves me

You know how guys are obsessed with their junk? Always touching, rearranging, scratching, looking at it from all angles in the mirror, measuring their dicks?

My boyfriend is just like that. Only replace “dick” with “iPhone” and you get the picture.

We are in a three way relationship where I came last into. It’s like sister wives and I rank second after a fucking iPhone.

Even when he is cuddling with me, his iPhone is right there next to him, on him, between us. Cuddling me with one arm checking his phone with the other. He can’t put it down longer than 5 minutes. It’s exasperating.

I get jealous of an iPhone almost every day.

First thing he does waking up is checking his iPhone. He does not get up without looking up the weather, news, traffic, email and of course notifications. Then, he’ll talk to me and get up and makes us coffee, phone in one hand still reading something, obviously. I swear to god he’s mastered the art of making coffee while holding his iPhone and looking at it. And it’s not bad coffee either… most of the times.

He’s on Vine. Like, he’s kinda Vine famous. 300k followers and counting. I take his word for it. I don’t check Vine unless he’s shoving his iPhone on my face showing me something. His battery gets drained just checking his notifications. And when it does, oh boy…

It pisses me off watching him running around looking for the cable and an outlet to plug his phone.

I forced him to buy a car charger because we couldn’t go anywhere without him wanting to leave early because his battery was at 10% and God forbid the iPhone dies before we get back. It’s Armageddon, baby!

I lost count of how many times we are on the phone talking and he says “I need to call you right back.” At first, I thought he had to go peepee or poopoo and was embarrassed to tell me. I couldn’t imagine an emergency so immediate he needed to hang up and call me two minutes later. Until the day I asked him why he did it “Checking vine babe. I can’t check it while I’m on the phone with you.”

Ok…

He cheats on me with his iPhone.

A few months ago he lost his iPhone. He went out with his friends and left it on an uber car coming home. He called me from the computer next morning wailing like an Italian widow because he didn’t know where he had left it. I wondered if he would cry if he lost me? I helped him track his phone, which was dead by then, so we only knew the last ping from hours before. Luckily the driver found it, charged it for a bit and managed to see the medical ID and emergency contacts and called back. I want to think it was an honest, decent gesture on his part, but the way the iPhone looks, I think he just wanted to get rid of it ASAP. The damned thing looks like it has been crushed, smashed, vaporized, kicked around a dozen times. Can’t blame him for wanting to get that ugly thing out of his life. And that was the happiest moment in my boyfriend’s life. Not kidding. He was crying again. Happy tears now. He drove to the agreed place to get his baby back and I bet you anything he didn’t put it down the rest of the day.

You’d think he had ultra classified information on the thing the way he acted. Nope, he’s not 007. He just takes his phone way too seriously.

You should see him throw a tantrum when the internet connection is too slow and Google takes a few seconds to load. I wonder if the downstairs neighbors think we are hiding a bull in the flat. And the words that come out of his mouth… and then the page loads and it’s all nice and quiet again.

I’m not gonna lie, as much as it upsets me, I get a kick out of watching him. I sit back and enjoy the free entertainment: “Where’s my charger? Did you see my charger? I can’t find it. Where’s yours? I need to charge my phone. Omg omg fuck this shit. Where the fuck is that charger? Fuuuuck. I’m gonna unplug yours ok? Do you mind? Fuck. I want my charger.” All the while I am looking at his charger right where he had left it not ten minutes before. Yep, if you’re having a boring night in and nothing good is on tv he’s better than Netflix. Now he found his charger. He plugs it. “My precious.” He sits there fondling his phone like the thing is on life support. 9% 10% 11%. He doesn’t leave its side until he’s sure the phone is out of the woods and it’s not going to die on his watch.

I suppose he’s still not over the time the little thing on the iPhone where the plug goes in was completely clogged with lint and he couldn’t plug the charger to the phone. Yes, I picked all the lint out. Two hours and a few toothpicks later it was lint free and ready for a second chance at life. All the while, he was pacing back and forth around me like I was performing heart surgery on his parents or something. When I told him it was all clear and he could keep using it, he actually held his iPhone to his face, eyes closed and started to walk away before remembering to turn back and thank me.

The nerve!

The last thing he does at night is also checking his phone. Last notification count, set alarm, triple check it’s charging. Go to bed. Five minutes later repeat. Go to bed. Two minutes later get up and move the phone to the outlet closest to the bed so he can sleep with the iPhone under his pillow. Now he knows it’s safe it takes him 30 seconds to fall asleep. Bless him. Takes me 3 hours on a good day.

I wonder if we ever have kids… will they pop out already with an iPhone in their hands?

This one is for you baby baby.

May it be a lesson learned to never, ever ask your girlfriend to write about you.

Love ya bb! ❤