Sorry I’m not Perfect
I have always felt like I have lived in the shadow of my younger brother. I have always tried to be perfect, because my little brother wasn’t. He’s always forgiven and now that I have a diagnosis of a mental illness, borderline personality disorder.. I’m not perfect anymore.
Thats how my adoptive parents have made me feel, or have I made myself feel this way? I always made myself perfect cos my brother wasn’t. I did it for them cos that’s what they deserved by taken us on. But I’m not perfect now. And they don’t seem to understand how hard life is for me everyday. I get that everyone has difficulties don’t get me wrong. My mum told me about her difficulties and I felt really bad, be she then turned her difficulties against me saying I needed to get over mine, that she could go to a GP or psychiatrist and they would diagnose her mentally ill too. I just thought thanks for belittling what I’m going threw, as if it isn’t hard enough and my own mother doesn’t want to understand. She then goes onto say I have an easy life that I don’t have to pay much for things, which I do offer to pay for stuff and I pay rent at my parents. Then I say I will pay more rent, and that’s not the problem. Even though she clearly stated that I don’t pay much rent!? I just can’t win! But then I remember. That I haven’t had an easy life, I lived my childhood threw abused, I was raped my my ex partner, I have been with a physically abusive partner, but my life is so easy? Like I just forget these things, and they don’t effect me anymore?
My brother is most likely going to prison. My mum is finding this difficult to deal with, and I get that! He’s my brother, the only real family I have and I don’t feel like he cares about me or us anymore. But that’s not my fault he’s got himself in so much trouble! But now I’m imperfect and because of all this, it’s just showing how imperfect I am now. I always did what they wanted. I went to university, I never wanted to go, I would have been fine being a youth worker! But I went for them, I became a social worker! But now look at me, I’m a mess! Maybe social worker wasn’t the best career path, but I don’t want others to feel the way I do, alone. I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore!
I’m on holiday with my parents right now.. I’ve walked away from dinner because I felt I was being attacked by them both! My emotions are so intense and I don’t wanna lash out so I walked away. I’m pretty sure they hate me now. I just feel useless.. what is the point on me!? Yes in my job I make a huge difference to people, but in my own life… I just make a mess and ruin everything! I just don’t see the point anymore… often I still think about ending it all.. stop people worrying about me, annoying people.. with me gone they would only have to worry about my brother.. I don’t think anyone wanted me anyway.. that’s why I’ve tried so much.. but I’ll never get anything right.. maybe I should just give up…. Maybe?