The Rules Don’t Matter

Who came up with them, anyhow?

Who came up with them? No really?

I’m curious.

Don’t use the word “thing”, don’t use (brackets), avoid using “-ly” words (because you seriously sound stupid if you do those things).

Are there rules for reading? Eating? Loving?

Okay, McDonald’s will kill you if you eat it all the time, that’s just common sense. So is “if you cheat you’re going to hurt a lot of people, yourself included”—ding ding ding, common sense again.

But these Rules of Writing — these deceptive little guidelines that are supposed to help but trip you up in the early stages.

Am I using “thing” too much? How about adverbs? Am I abusing those?

Fuck the rules. They just slow you down. Like speed limits and laws, in general. Who says you can’t just grab that freshly sharpened fruit knife and slink out, stabbing each one of your asshole neighbors’ tires in the middle of the night?

Okay, those kind of rules make sense, I guess. We are civilized, after all.

(I can still think it, no? No? Oh…)

There’s rules for that too, apparently.