Perspectives on D-Rose to Knicks

How Different People Feel About the Trade

Bulls fans: “This sucks. This reeeeeeeally sucks. We thought we had the face of the franchise for the next ten years, at least, and he’s from right here in town. If there’s a plus side, it’s that we can move onto the next stage — the Jimmy Butler Era. I mean, if we’re being honest, Derrick had a really rough year last year. But still, this just blows. Robin Lopez? Jose Calderon? Jerian Grant? That’s what we get for sending our former franchise savior and MVP out the door of his hometown arena? Wait — they’re thinking of trading Jimmy, too??!! This sucks. Sad face emoji. Actually, super sad, tears streaming down face emoji. Damn Gar Forman.”

Knicks fans: “We’re feeling a mix of ‘YESSSS’ and ‘AAAARGH’ right now. On the one hand, finally — a big name, established guy to go with Melo. On the other, is this the next Penny, Starbury, Steve Francis, or T-Mac? Is this yet another past-his-prime, oft-injured guard that does nothing for us? Shit, as long as it gives us something to watch instead of Porzy killing it by himself, Melo ‘locking it down for the season,’ and Phil looking around MSG with that ‘who’s getting the check-face,’ then bring it on. D-Rose or bust!”

Porzingis: “Finally, somebody who can take the ball to the basket. The only good thing about Calderon was that he helped me keep my Spanish up to snuff while we were on the road. That’s a valuable language, and I just honestly feel like it’s important to be versatile on and off the court, and being skilled linguistically is a part of that. I wonder if D-Rose speaks any other languages…but I digress. This is great for me, no matter what. If he’s a winner, we’ll win. If not, Jimmy D will blow this team up, and it’ll be me, KD, and Russell in 2017–18. Unicorn, out.”

Melo: “Looks like Phil woke up and took my damn advice, finally. I signed with the Knicks to win! Well, I signed to get rich and stay in the New York market, but even I care enough about the game to get upset when I see Calderon bringing the ball up the court. D-Rose and I go way back, that’s my Team USA guy. We’re gonna kill it. And hey, if he gets injured, I’m still in New York.”

Phil Jackson: “I told you people to calm down. I told you I knew what I was doing. I drafted The Unicorn, and now I’ve put together a team that could potentially win next year — or at least be fun to watch — and then we can go for KD, Westbrook, and any other free agent next year. You’re welcome. I’m also going to go get my guy Pau and either Joakim Noah or Dwight Howard to help us this year. So shut up and enjoy my Zen. And as far as his injuries go, we got a whole program for Rose that’ll help him long-term. Tai chi, acupuncture, tons of weed. It’s my own personal regimen. Go Lakers! Shit, I meant Bulls. F@#*! Knicks, meant Knicks. God, I miss LA.”

Robin Lopez: “They mascots I can beat the shit out of in Chicago? Dope. I’m in.”

D-Rose: “Damn. It didn’t work. I thought it was gonna work. It didn’t. My damn body, man. I wanted so bad to make it work in Chicago. I love my city. Love the Bulls. This sucks. But look — I like this move. Maybe I needed it. And New York? I’ll make a run with Melo and KP. And if we get Noah, Dwight, Pau, or some guys like that — look out. And damn, this is gonna help my market value, no doubt. Nothing sells shoes like being successful in New York. Maybe I can get healthy and have a good year. Who knows? I welcome the challenge. F@#* Jimmy Butler.”

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