How can it hurt so much?

How can it hurt so much? How is it possible to live without you for months and be ok and then in just two days feel the abyss of loneliness stare back at me, reminding me “I lost” your love, because I am………………………. ( put whatever you want in here, it doesn't really matter). How is it possible that I allow myself to be trampled on?

The lack of caresses, the lack of hugs and kissing, the lack of affection. You came in my home, and my life for what exactly?

“because we arranged it”? “ because of my kid”,” because you wanted to do the right thing”. What is the right thing? Show up as the ex, the husband, the friend? Ask to sleep in my room, go shop, pretend to be a happy family. I see my child fawn over you like a lovesick puppy and I hate every moment of it, because she feeds your ego and your arrogance.

“can you get over me?” you ask. Then laugh at the idiotic question, saying you didn't meant it like that. How did you mean it? Do you want me? the question turns to bitter ash into my mouth but I have to know, why are you here, what are you doing in my life, what is it that brought you in my room.

“no” is your answer. “ I dont” and all the pain I buried, all the condescending, superior assholery I swallowed for years comes back to me like vomit in my mouth.

So get out.

Go. Be with your real family. We wanted to become your family but you fought every step of the way between duty and what you wanted. You didn't know what you wanted. You dont even know to this day…My daughter is not your concern or something to be pitied on. She needs nothing. She had a lousy father and a lousy stepfather, she will have to learn not to rely on men. Go. Marriage meant nothing to you. You felt you did the best you could. I felt you were a spoiled brat who tried to avoid consequences all your life and you hated me for forcing you to mature. But I cant force you to love me, or want me or see me as I see myself. But I dont want to have to see myself the way you see me. It affects me too much.

Yes, I m no fun. Yes, you dont like me, your parents dont like me, your ex is waiting, your friends dont like me. Yes you feel sorry for me.

Because You solved all your problems, you treated everybody right. You actually found happiness. Oh wait. If you did, what the fuck are you doing here?

I let you go once, with all the love I could master, to eradicate the hate for abandoning us. I managed to weed out my bitter thoughts and let you go find your path. Go do just that. Find your path. I will not be used as a stepping stone for you to feel superior and better than you are. I do not need you. I do not like you. I do not want you back. I let you go once, I m telling you to go now. And to stay away.

I have nothing pleasant, positive or good to remember. Go cry for your behavior towards the dead. I played my part in it. I dont deny it. When will you think about your behavior toward the living? You had the best of intentions you say. To come as a friend.

after 3 months? sleep in my room? are you even for real? You make me angry. Your actions make me angry and change me and then I am to blame for being an angry person…Its maddening.

You think so little of me and you did for some time but I m tired of fighting you for respect of my feelings, my life, my existence. I loved you. More than you will ever know. I would have been a good wife, always have your back. I never asked for anything and never brought anything that you couldn't see before hand. I am not responsible for your blindness. I should not pay the price for your lack of maturity, intelligence and love. You are cruel, egotistical and cold. The worst part is that you think you are nice, kind and not appreciated. Keep your money. Go. I want nothing from you. The price you expect is too high and the pain you procure to intense. Kindness is to see the other person as an equal. You keep victimizing me and seeing yourself as the savior. You told me numerous times I was nothing without you, I upgraded my life, and all our fights were because of your outlook of me and you, because you felt superior and a victim of your “kindness”. When in fact you never saw me as a whole human being, that only came to you out of love. You never respected me, never looked at me. Never realized what a horrible human being you were with me. That’s ok. Fuck it.

Go. Have the life you chose. I dont need to be a witness to it and I dont need you to be a factor in my choices, or my decisions. I need you to go. For good. Open the door, leave and be forgotten.

GO!

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