A third culture kid’s matrimonial profile..

As most third-culture kids from the subcontinent know, parental pressure to get married once you have “finished your education” can be quite intense. I was lucky enough to the be spared the worst excesses of that pressure but I did have to create a little plausible deniability, of my non-search search, which I did via my shaadi.bomb profile, while living in New York.

I thought I would share my profile, mainly for the amusement of all but also to share some some of the absurdities of generational cultural expectations.

The profile

I was in one of my more lucid moods, so I thought I would rewrite my
profile it’s been a while since I wrote it.

So here I am, still, trying to find some one to click with.

Its difficult to write something different, what approach does one take?

1. The Laundry list

You should have two arms, two legs.. etc be able to make roti’s that
are perfectly circular, pour tea while shaking the teapot
uncontrollably, so as to indicate you shy and obedient disposition but
not spill a single drop demonstrating you german like efficiency. You
will be of course be able to do this in your graduation robes as you
wear them all the time just to remind everyone how clever you are.

You like all girly things and are homely. Which means you like to do
things in the home. You like puppies and soft things. You are graduate
of a top school but its all secondary to feeding babies and making,
your soon to be man’s aloo parotha’s on the weekend.

I will, of course, have the appropriate number of appendages to my
torso too. I will have big balance in my free checking account with
rewards, but still drive a volvo indicating my sensible approach to
fiscal matters. I will be a graduate from an ivy league, are there any
that aren’t, university. Where I excelled in getting letters after my
name. I am reliable dependable and I can put shelves up. I am of
course funny and have a six pack (I have found that there is a
universal constant that means only one of these can be true at any one
time)

or perhaps

2. Super Dichotomy in a futile search for perfect balance

Looking for a homely girl with a Masters. Looking for a guy who is
down to earth while simultaneously is ambitious and bold. Must dress
well, drive flash car and have all the trappings of material wealth
but is not materially motivated. Money’s not important as long he’s
minted. “He’s a millionaire but he’s a nice guy”, as if the two were
exclusive. Wanted the introverted extrovert type, the masculine
sensitive type, the quiet shy rebel, the spiritual party animal and
the bad good girl.

or we could get down to business…

3. The Alliance

We are looking for an alliance for our beautiful, intelligent, perfect
daughter. She is of impeccable breeding. We have not included a
picture as she is so beautiful that your retina’s will probably burn
away.

You should be tall, handsome, rich, from good stock, funny,
intelligent and a green card holder, of course.

Applications will only be considered if complete, please send photos,
preferably life size, your last three pay slips, a balance sheet,
current bank statement, a family tree for 4 generations highlighting
any ministers or judges and stamped self addressed envelope, if you
want it all back. Applications will take 4–6 weeks to review.
Successful applicants will receive a phone interview at 9 am on
Sunday.
or I just can’t be bothered but if you make all the effort then
perhaps I get back to you.

4. The one liner (normally accompanied by super photo)

I’m just so wonderful I can’t possibly capture my essence in one para
so contact me if interested.

By the way I live and work in NYC. Coffee anyone?

It worked rather well.. and the rest, as they say, is history.