The Dating Games

Ah, the holiday season has finally passed and so is the fomo with being single. So about mid-October till now I hit them dating apps with all I had and yet here I am in bed at 8:00pm on a friday writing about my tinder nightmares, bumble fails, and even jdate disasters. I must admit, they haven’t been all bad. Many experiences were great and just haven’t led to my desired results. But if any of you have utilized the greatness of social medias and dating apps I think we can all find common patterns and similarities. Today I shall share with you all a few experiences I have been so blessed to have.

The Clinger

Also known as “The Nice Guy”. In my experience any guy who labels themselves as “The Nice Guy” is in reality a bit of a stalker. Maybe its just me but if I have yet to meet you, I don’t need to talk to you allllllll day long every day. Relax. Also somehow finding me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter (which I haven’t looked at after resigning up), LinkedIn, and SnapChat without me listing the links and user names publicly is just a tad too much. I’m sorry I did not answer your string of 7 texts and 2 missed calls in the last 3 hours. Maybe, just maybe, I was working and honestly couldn’t look at my phone. But chances are I probably just didn’t want to once it became apparent you're sorta bat shit crazy.

The Marriage Proposal

Some are meant as an ice breaker, others are real. Either way, lets take about 478 steps back please. As a mostly hopeless romantic it is dangerous territory to fill my head with these notions.

One instance, a nice looking gent who had many compliments and nice words to me had me slightly charmed. Met once for coffee and it was nice. Okay conversation, engaging, cute, and seemed like he had his life together. A week or so later met again for coffee. And bombshell! The marriage proposal with a monthly allowance. Also the threat of being put into prison if discovered to be a sham. Although I could certainly use and extra grand a month, the fear of prison and loveless marriage was not my idea of happily ever after. Sorry bud, hope you got your green card somehow!

Another instance, one tinder lad opened with “Lets go get married in Vegas”. I mean, come on! Look who you are telling this to! My tinder pics show I am Vegas lover so you already have me won over. Yes, a thousand times yes. My prom dress was mostly white and mostly still fits so yes, lets go get married. Tonight too soon? Not to mention he totally used his social media (link was posted in his about me {minimal stalking required}) to wow and amaze. Pics with amazing ocean views, atop mountain vistas, well traveled, dined at prime locals, and dashing selfies. I was all in and about 2 days later was ghosted…

The Ghosts

Sad face. So promising and exciting then they vanish into thin air. Why?! Luckily most ghosts I didn’t bother meeting so I was never truly let down. Just texts, occasional calls, and then one day silence.

Convinced I met my soul mate one time. Met him and we talked for 5 hours straight. He read me so well it was like he was reading my mind. Also impressed me immensely with his knowledge of everything and his dislike of the Kardashians (OMG my laptop doesn’t know who they are and has it highlighted for spelling! This makes me happy!). Talked about where he would take me on the next date, took his own selfie and assigned it into his contacts, and was just so great! Told me to text him when I got home and then vanished like a ghost. Never got a word back.

Me, My, Mine

Ugh, selfish pricks. Usually takes me a while to realize they are so totally one sided and self centered. Also I tend to feel super guilty if I go ghost or don’t put effort in. I’m easily guilted and always want to please. So I supposed its a mutual fail.

One dude was pretty cool until I caught onto to the pattern of me ALWAYS having to go to him. ALWAYS. I admit I don’t push for dates near me cause well, I hate Whittier. But I would always suggest a middle ground. A place or area in between. Not once did that happen. I would always end up taking the 45min-1hr drive to listen to him talk about himself and how I should spoil him cause he works so hard. I naturally would want to help him to relax and give a sad attempt of a shoulder massage… which brings me to my next failure…

The Massage Enthusiast

Yo, I know when you bring up massages with in our first 4 exchanges you aren’t talking about going to a spa with hot stones and eucalyptus oil. I’m all for that shit. But I am no trained professional and honestly I’d rather not aimlessly rub your neck while you hope it turns into some porn fantasy. Or worse, when you try to rub my shoulders! OUCH! Yes, I know I am tense. Mostly cause I know in 2.8 seconds you are going to try to cop a feel. I did not ask for this.

The One That Just Doesn’t Play Out

SUUUUPER sad face on these. On paper, it works. In life, it doesn't. It has happened a few time. Where you have great conversation on dating apps and texts but when you finally meet, no click, no chemistry, no fireworks. And it makes me sad. Usually both parties know it afterwards too. Something was missing and it isn’t either persons fault. Sometimes it’s one sided and those are the times it sucks the most. When I know I just don’t feel the it for the guy and I just start fading the conversations and stop answering texts, the guilt kicks in and pains me. And when I catch the signs of a guy doing the same to me I can’t help but to feel sad. But what can ya do? Next!

So all in all, these lovely apps have filled me with lots of funny experiences and at times given me confidence boosts when I’ve needed them the most. I have made some great connections and some mistakes I’d rather forget. One thing for sure is I have been entertained and gotten a few free meals and drinks out of it! OH! And realized massages are rarely what I think they are. Well, Happy New Year and I must sign off for now to go and manage my overwhelming tinder account (sarcasm).