The Newbie Trainee
So here’s the deal.
On June 30th, I took a step towards becoming a healthier, happier, more stunning (as if that were possible) version of me. I stepped way outside my comfort zone and hired a personal trainer to achieve all the goals. All of them. Oh, and did I mention I have never legitimately worked out before?
My trainer’s name is Pasquale. I found him on the internet. He isn’t a crazy axe murderer, which is a plus, and if I am being honest, he is a pretty cool guy. I don’t have any experience with personal trainers…personally…but my sister had one once when she was in the Air Force. I remember watching her sessions at the gym, and I kind of expected something similar. So far, my experience is way better.
I plan on writing a more serious, more extensive post on Medium after I’ve been training for a month. It’s gonna be good. Trust me. You’ll learn about all the goals and all the feelings. No holding back!
So here’s how it started.
After a conversation with my boss the other day, I was informed that my daily-workout-session stories are entertaining. Now, I’m not sure how true this is, but he signs my checks. He’s also a pretty good judge of things, I mean, he hired me. Figured I’d give this a shot. After my sessions, I just write about my day. Simple as that.
So here’s how it’s going to work.
I will be posting my experiences after every workout. I am so sorry to not have captured the glory that was my first four sessions. Believe me, they were awesome. Awesomely bad. Awesomely awesome. But we will get into the very beginning of my journey once I post my more serious monthlong review.
Here are photos where I expressed how I felt prior to each workout these past three weeks. They were sent to my streaks on Snapchat because I’m hip and with it:

If I’m going to keep posting photos, I need to get more workout clothes. I’m scraping the bottom of my drawers to find proper attire. Pretty soon I’ll be busting out my T-shirt collection from 2006. But I digress.
Hope you enjoy reading about my journey. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Session 5 — Butt Bows, Blubber, and Birthday Candles
July 17, 2017
Today’s workout started out with the usual. I get on this cylinder thing (which I called a cylinder thing until I realized its true identity as a foam roller) and roll over all kinds of body parts. My lower leg bit, the upper leg bit, my butt, the front part of my legs, my armpit, my back. Oh my goodness. My favorite part is doing my back because it literally cracks my entire spine, each bone sounding like its own note. Each part of my body has a name, but I’m not very good at remembering any of that.
I’m getting better and better at foam rolling. I feel like I’m almost at the point where I can do it in my sleep! I remember how I literally thought foam rolling was the entire workout my first day. So young, so naive.
After the foam roller, we moved on to my least favorite thing in the world: running on the treadmill.
I’m not a runner.
I am a 5′1″ girl with short legs and a chest that won’t quit. Running is annoying and I probably never did it for longer than the thirty seconds it would take me to reach the ice cream truck at the end of my block.
Pasquale has me run (or jog as he likes to call it) for five minutes at like five miles per hour to start the workout. Only the beginning! But I trust him. And even though I felt like my insides were going to seep out through every pore of my body, I finished strong, my face as red as the Solo cup from which I am currently drinking.
I’m not very good at the whole sweating thing. If I had to rank my least favorite things, sweating has got to be close to the top. (Yes. I am aware I just said running was my least favorite thing, but this paragraph has determined that was a lie.) The good thing about it is, sweating and running are in the top five, but they aren’t at the tippy top. So what do I do during my session? I simply remember my least favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad.
My Least Favorite Things
1. Onions
2. Wasps
3. Sweating
4. Running
As long as I’m not being forced to eat onions whilst being stung by wasps, things aren’t that bad.
During session four, my sweat game was real. Even my elbow pits were drenched, and I didn’t care for it at all. During session five, I decided to put deodorant on my elbow pits and knee pits. Game changer.
I always saw the machines at the gyms I had joined in the past. But I never used them properly, apparently. For example, there’s this one machine where you sit on it and then you have to push the bars out. But then you can do some twisty thing on the top and you can push the bars up. There’s another machine where it’s like a block and you put your feet on it and you push it. Seems straight forward enough, but I always locked my knees and used the lowest weight possible.
To me, the pictures on the side of the machines are like the instructions to build IKEA furniture. I’m not an engineer so those happy-faced directions make zero sense to me. Same goes for machines. I’m not a fitness guru. I don’t know what those muscles are or how to move them.
That’s why I have a trainer now. While I feel like a complete idiot for the first time in my life, I’m actually learning. (Well, trying to absorb every bit of information.) Pasquale is always explaining why we do certain things, what muscle is doing what, etc. etc. I really try to listen even when my brain is focusing too much on the task at hand because, as I’ve come to realize by this session, I’m not the teacher here. Super weird and uncomfortable, but just call me Cher because I am clueless. (I’ll stop being punny. I promise.)
The gym was silent today. Pasquale offered to turn on some Italian music. My indifference led to him whistling instead, which was soothing as I felt my muscles tear beneath my skin while I pulled down on this bar thing. Once you pull it down, you have to let it go back up and then pull it down once again. I just keep on doing it until I’m supposed to stop. I know. Exhilarating.
Next were the graceful butt bows as I like to call them. You have to bend over in this completely ridiculous way and pick up a weight and then bring the weight back down again. The graceful butt bows kind of remind me of a stance you’d want to take when using a porta potty. Now, this is not a skill I ever plan on needing, so I don’t see much of a point in this particular exercise.
Ah! Guess what? I have to add something to my least favorite list. Here we go:
My Least Favorite Things
1. Onions
2. Wasps
3. Sweating
4. Running
5. PLANKING
We hadn’t done them in a while, but today was the return of the planks. While that sounds like an awesome movie title, it’s actually number five on my list of least favorite things. But once again, it’s not on the tippy top. So I can do it.
As I stayed in my best planking form, I began to blow out the air, trying to…strengthen my lungs so they could hold me in position? IS THAT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS?! Pasquale asked if I was blowing out birthday candles as he stood beside me. Funny thing is, I was singing “Happy Birthday” in my head just moments before to waste time. (I saw this thing on Oprah once where you sing “Happy Birthday” when you’re…you know what? Nevermind.) Pasquale might be some sort of mind reader. Not sure. I began to feel my body falling. And again, like a mind reader, he asked, “How are you feeling?”
“I feel like I’m about to fall. I’m going to fall,” I responded.
“No you’re not,” he said with confidence.
“No, like, I’m going to fall. Right now.”
“No, you’re not,” he said once more.
I didn’t fall.
Mind reader and a psychic. That’s some weird shenanigans right there. Banana cakes crazy.
At the beginning of week three, I can feel my muscles beginning to respond to all the new moves I’m learning. Beneath the blubber, I know there is so much happening that I can’t even begin to understand. I know I’m still a long way from being fit, but I’m on my way there.
Butt bows, blubber, and birthday candles. Can’t wait to see what wonders Thursday will bring.
Session 6— 170 Calories and Counting
July 20, 2017
So remember how I was all about the foam rolling? Well, Pasquale decided to change it up for session six. I did some yoga-pilatesesque stuff instead. It was pretty cool and I didn’t mind. Only thing is, I literally practiced my foam rolling right before leaving.

I was pumped and ready to go today. When I ran after learning those new yoga-pilatesesque moves, I felt like things might be getting a little easier.
But then they weren’t.
My muscles felt incredibly weak. The best way to describe it is, my muscles literally felt like jelly. I would pull down on the metal bar thing and it wouldn’t move at all. I just felt tired and not 100% with it.
Of course my trainer asked what was wrong. I realized my big oops after I began to speak.
Now, Pasquale gave me this whole nutrition plan which is amazing and tells me exactly how much to eat and when. I probably should have realized that eating only 170 calories before 4pm would be a problem. And not drinking any water before my workout because I didn’t want to have to pee, probably not the best idea either. Either way, my fault. C- workout.
I kind of felt like D.J. Tanner in that one episode of Full House. Come on. You know the one I’m talking about.

I still worked out for an hour, but my energy level just wasn’t there. I was pretty disappointed as I didn’t even get to run at the end of the session. (Can you imagine that I was actually upset I wasn’t able to run?!) I was talking to my best friend, Nancy Jane, about it and she said, “At least you didn’t throw up like I did during one of my training sessions.” True. Could have been way worse.
As I stretched before leaving, I saw a bug near my feet. I thought it was a dead fly. Pasquale said it was a lightning bug. I prefer lightning bugs to regular flies because lightning bugs aren’t afraid to share their inner light with the world. Regular flies just touch you with their dirty hands. Literally just a thought I had while stretching. Think about it. DO YOU SEE HOW LOOPY I WAS FEELING?!
Another problem I realized today is that I really have trouble doing anything on my left side. Lifting, stretching, turning, doing those yoga-pilatesesque moves. I feel like a one-legged pigeon on a halfpipe. What does this say about me? What does it all mean?

This weekend I plan on working on all things on the left. I’m going to write with my left hand, text with my left hand, eat with my left hand! I’m going to drink water like a fish. I’m going to eat more and not let busyness get in the way of having complete meals.
But I guess I also have to accept that once in a while, I might have an off day. And that’s all right too.
Session 7– Ten Minutes Later
July 24, 2017
My esthetician asked if I had been working out lately because she could tell! She is noticing a difference in my skin, which is great, because with all the money I’m spending on this journey, I gotta cut back on the nonessentials. (Debra, I love you. You are my life. I am so sorry. I’ll be back soon!)
Today’s session was 1000x better than Thursday’s. So what changes did I make?
- I drank so much water that I literally peed nine times before training. (We’re talking pee as clear as a lagoon in the Bahamas…)
- I ate breakfast, lunch, and a pre-workout snack. (1/2 a banana, peanut butter, and chia seeds)
- I did mega cardio over the weekend. (Leslie the Fitness Goddess)
- I didn’t go to work. (I always end up lifting things and hurting myself.)
Goodbye D.J. Tanner, hello…Pippi Longstocking? I don’t know. My hair was in a braid and my face was super red again. Reminds me of her red hair? Whatever. If you get it you get it, if you don’t you don’t. And I totally get it.
The foam roller was back again! I foam rolled the crap outta myself. Rolling here, rolling there. Good stuff.
Ran for five minutes to start things off. I like to say the Presidents of the United States in my head in order as a test/time waster. And I am telling you, the whole process is getting easier and easier each time. But I don’t want to tell my trainer that. He’d do something ridiculous like make me run…for ten minutes…and…ANYWAY. More on that later.
We (I) did some heavy lifting today. Did the leg press thing. Did the pushing-up-bar thing. Did the rowing metal thing. Porta-potty-butt-bow training. We’re also trying to build the strength in my left side, so I had to hold a weight on each side like a suitcase. (See! Occasionally I remember something.)
I was very excited as Pasquale introduced a new machine. It has this cushy thing I had to kneel on and then I basically pull myself up and then push myself down. A pull-up, if you will. It reminded me of an amusement park ride you have to operate yourself. One of those free fall things, but it’s only for one person. And it’s not very fun. At all. So basically it’s nothing like an amusement park ride.
Pasquale kept saying something about having me run at the end of the session for ten minutes. I didn’t think he was serious until he was serious. I was wearing my heart monitor, so we kept a close eye on what was going on there. Heart was beating as living hearts do. Heart was beating fast as living hearts do while their human is exercising. I’m kind of obsessed with this app now, by the way. Obsessed.

I think the best thing is, I was tired by the end of it, but it felt like a five-minute run from the previous week. Progress. I have no idea how that is even happening. When I got home, my face was still completely red. But I kind of dig it now.

Pippi Longstocking is coming into your town
The one no one can keep down, no no no no
The one who’s fun to be around, woooah woah.
(Listen, I know she had two braids. Just work with me here. Her theme song is my mantra.)
I feel like all these fitness people on the internet always have all these glam shots during a workout, before a workout, after a workout. I’m laughing because all I have is frizzy hair, a red face, and sweat. I still haven’t taken a gym selfie. Maybe one day. Maybe not.
What was the only unfortunate thing about today? I look like a lizard with lice. My sunburn is peeling from my scalp. I’m making sure I tell everyone so they don’t secretly question the scales scaling from the top of my head. But you know what? It’s okay. Because today, I felt like this lizard:

What a way to be.
Session 8– That’s Just How I Roll
July 27, 2017
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement:
I have a muscle.
I. Have. A. Muscle.
Okay, obviously. But the other day, I was carrying boxes and saw the muscle in my right arm move. Maybe I was flexing. I don’t know. I’ve never flexed before. (Please refrain from looking at my profile photo.) But I am telling you, there is a bump on my arm that moves and it helps me move things.
I was carrying a couch at school yesterday and lifting it was just so easy! I had the couch a whole three feet off the floor. I then proceeded to drop the couch because I lost my grip, but hey. I moved it approximately seven feet across the room which is way better than anything I could do before. (Thanks for helping me move the couch, my dear BFF John! Sorry I dropped it on ya!)

Anyway, onto today’s session!
I hope laughing burns extra calories because we laugh way too much while I am working out. I always enjoy when others are able to laugh at my expense.
The usual foam rolling occurred. A former student who reads these posts sent me the following photo in a text message:

As I was foam rolling, my braid kept getting stuck underneath the foam roller. I put the braid in my mouth and held it there until the rolling had concluded. Gross? Maybe. But it worked. And no one was there to judge me. Except my trainer. And I’m pretty sure he didn’t care. He’s used to my antics by now.
We (I) started off with a five-minute run (Pasquale is still calling it a jog…) which is, for now, the norm. According to my heart monitor, I was clinically dead while on the treadmill. Thing was totally busted, so I have no idea how I really did. Says I burned 13 calories. Lies. But the truth is, the running is definitely 1000x easier than it was before.
We did a different rotation today. I had to do squats while holding a weight that is shaped like a small handbag. The weight kept slipping out of my hands because they were so dang sweaty. (My hands, not the weights. Could you imagine residual sweat from a previous user? Gross.) I might have to start putting deodorant on my hands as well.
Next I had to pull on these handle things that were attached to this metal contraption. Still having trouble pinching my shoulders together. I’m too slouchy in life and it’s something I am actively striving to improve.
Another least favorite, but I’m not sure it makes the top five, is this one exercise where you have to hold onto this bar and you kneel on one knee and then go back up. It’s really difficult for me to do and it takes a while to figure it all out. My trainer will demonstrate the movements, but he makes everything look so damn easy. It’s kind of like when you watch the Olympics and see Simone Biles doing flips and splits and you think to yourself, “Hey. That looks fun! I can totally do that.” No, Linda. You can’t. You are not Simone Biles. She literally trained her whole life to be able to do that. Same can be said for a personal trainer.

But I’m getting better at this. Slowly but surely.
I just realized today (and by realized I mean Pasquale told me) that doing the fake push-ups on that bar thing are actually all leading me to do a real push-up later on. He’s a tricky one. He’s been secretly (not secretly, I just didn’t realize) lowering the bar. Eventually, that bar will be on the floor. And I’m going to be doing the first push-up in my life. In my life!
It was the return of the planks once more. Did some high planks, which I hated. I don’t even want to waste any more sentences on those damn things.
Got to use the pull-up machine again. It’s not so bad. If anything, it makes me feel taller.
I was thinking about all the wonderful progress I’ve made thus far while we were doing stretches. I knew my trainer was probably so proud of how much I accomplished in four short weeks. As he began to speak, I knew he was going to say something super insightful.
“I wonder if there’s a Guinness World Record for the longest amount of time holding a stretch?”
Maybe not.
I proceeded to tell Pasquale about my personal world-record quest. I really think I have the fastest time saying all the Presidents of the United States. He timed me. 11.6 seconds. Call me, Guinness!
In all honesty, I cannot believe I’ve completed my fourth week of training. Time is just flying by. Each session is just so much fun even though it’s challenging. My trainer is thoughtful and encouraging, and he always lets me know just how awesome I am — which, I already know — but it’s good to hear it from another person every once in a while. Especially when you’re doing something that is so far outside of your comfort zone.
I plan on working on my monthlong review this weekend. Keep your eyes peeled! You’ll get a more in-depth look at my reasons for beginning this journey.
See ya on Monday!
Session 9– Show Me That Smile Again
July 31, 2017
Back to basics. Pass me the avocado toast.

I weigh myself every other Sunday which means yesterday was my second weigh-in. The verdict? Lost 2.5 pounds for a total of 5.5 pounds in 4 weeks of training.
I am so happy with my progress even though I realize losing weight isn’t as easy as it was when I was 18. Or 22. Damn you, 30! But I love you.
I was eager to share the news with my trainer who most certainly high-fived me as I foam rolled. After informing him of my epic feat, I think my face did this thing it does when I’m not 100% happy.
“What’s the hesitation? Why aren’t you happy with that?”
Dude, I’m totally happy with losing 5.5 pounds. But…
“It’s just that when I told some other people, their reaction was kind of, that’s it?”
And there we go. I have no idea why I let the opinion of other people matter so much. It’s like, I think I don’t care, but I really do. So basic.
Little did I know this would set the tone for the whole rest of the workout.
There were a tad more people in the gym than usual today. Again, I didn’t think I cared. But…I did care. So basic.
I was (peanut butter and jelly) sandwiched between two other women while running on the treadmill. I thought I was fine, but looking back on it now, I think they made me feel super self-conscious. Pasquale was there, so I tried to focus on only him, but it didn’t really work. I was slowly going into this internal panic that I didn’t even realize I had.
My heart monitor was giving me issues again. I’m going to blame it on the chest that won’t quit. I think it’s interfering with the band causing me to have an inaccurate reading. But I digress.

After running — Pasquale is insisting it’s literally a jog for me now —we got to lifting. And for whatever reason, I was not doing things right. Had to repeat moves over and over again. I kept trying to squat or do my modified graceful butt bows, but again and again — wrong. I was getting so incredibly frustrated with myself. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I also felt like I wasn’t acting as I normally do.
“Get out of your head,” said Pasquale. “Who cares about all these people? You’re here for you.”
I didn’t even say anything. I didn’t even realize anything was getting to me. But he did. Mind-reading psychic!
As I spoke, my voice did the thing where it goes up a few octaves when saying the last bit of my sentence. “I’m fine.” He gave me a look. I was insistent. “I don’t care. They aren’t bothering me.” He continued his doubtful expression. Okay. Maybe they were.
As I continued to do whatever I was doing, just trying to get the basics down, what he said started to make sense. For whatever reason, I was letting these schmageggs get to me. Some of the gym-goers were…acting a little schmagegged. Can’t explain it, but they were. I kept going through the motions of the workout, but I remained rather silent; our usual conversations weren’t there.
Pasquale kept making jokes, showed me a funny video on his telephone; he tried to do just about anything to revive me. It was all very much appreciated. I am sarcastic and joke a lot on here, but honestly, he’s an incredible trainer. He really gets me and it’s only week five. Meeting strangers from the internet can be fun! Or not. So glad it worked out. (Please tell me I’m not the only laughing at this pun!)
As more and more people began to finish their workouts and leave the gym, I started to act normal for the first time during session nine. I ran over to the metal-bar-doohickey-thing as it was next in the rotation.
“There she is. It’s good to have you back! Finally.” Pasquale smiled. “It’s because those people are gone. Why do you even care about them? There’s no way you should care about what those people think.”
I really shouldn’t.
And it’s something I’m working on. I’m just glad he forced me to realize what was going on in this incredibly complex head of mine.
So what did I learn today? You can’t let schmageggs cramp your style. Be you. Always. Understand that no matter how inadequate you might feel at times, you’re not. You are amazing. Just being at the gym is a feat in itself.
What do I plan on doing next time if I find myself in a similar situation?
I’m going to say the Presidents of the United States loud and proud for all to hear. Give them something to be jealous of. I’ll be able to brag that I did something no one else has ever done before while at the gym. And that’s pretty damn cool.
Speaking of cool, I was invited to go to a hot yoga session tomorrow. I’ve never done real-life yoga before, so I might as well start with an advanced 1 hour and 15 minute class in 105 degree heat. Go big or go home, I always say.
And this girl, well, she just ain’t ready to go home yet.
Linda Sees’s Day Off– Hot Yoga
August 1, 2017
“It’s easy,” she said.
“It’s so much fun!” she said.
“It’s so relaxing,” she said.
“You’ll love it,” she said.
These are the words of my BFF’s sixteen-year-old daughter, Kristina, prior to my hot yoga venture. She also happens to be a former student of mine. I was her teacher from 5th grade — 8th grade. That’s a long time in kid years. If I’m being an honest mentor, I’m so immensely proud of her and love that she still wants me to be such a huge part of her life. The fact that she’s excited I’m getting into fitness and wants to share her classes with me, well, it’s an honor.
“If she can do it, I can do it!” I said. And seriously, I’ll try anything once. (Except for alcohol, drugs, bugs, and smoking.)
Oh and did I mention this girl is basically a professional ballerina?


I had never done yoga before. Okay, that’s a lie. In 2009, I took a pilates class for an entire semester at Rutgers and got super fit (probably not that fit). While I was into that sorta thing, I would do yoga DVDs and I totally had a yoga game on Nintendo Wii. But I had never actually done yoga. Like, in front of people and stuff.
Kristina insisted it was fine and that anyone can do it.
So we went to an advanced class. An advanced hot yoga class. And somehow she was even able to convince her friend and former classmate, Steven, to come along. Another first time yoga-er. Steven’s family is basically family to me as well, so I knew this was going to be one hell of a conversation at the dinner table. #hotyogareunion
What did I need? I brought my yoga mat, my face cloth, and my 1-liter bottle of Evian.
We walked up this long staircase to get to the top floor. And boy, it was hot. And this wasn’t even the hot room. Apparently, this was the cool-down area.
I knew it was trouble when we walked in.
I looked around at all the hot-yoga-pros. At first glance, I was pretty sure there was a dude who was naked. But then I realized he just had really low, really tight spandex pants that blended in with his skin. The girls all had shorts or spandex and tank tops which showed their most perfectly-sculpted physiques.
But honestly, I didn’t feel intimidated and felt super comfortable because I had my children with me. I was in full-on Miss Sees mode which is the best way to be. It’s hard to describe, but when you have young people who look up to you, see you as a role model, and respect every bit of who you are, it’s impossible to feel intimidated by others because…how can it get better than that? I owned that space. And this whole experience, it was a life lesson.
The door opened and we were allowed to go into the hot yoga room. This is what happened:

I started laughing. It was all I could do. HILARIOUS.
Steven and I plopped our mats down next to the professional ballerina. I sipped some water and braced myself for the unknown. I literally had no idea what to expect. The only thing I knew — it was hot. 105 degrees of pure misery.
The class started and the soft music began to play. I have no idea why, but I just wanted to start cracking up. I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. The ridiculousness of the situation hit me once the instructor began to speak.
Apparently, the instructor just walks around the room and doesn’t show you the moves. She just says stuff. And now we are going to go from downward dog into the warrior pose. Now move your knees into your ankles and hold until you feel your spleen coming out of your nose. Or something like that. It was like she was speaking in code and everyone just knew. They just knew!
I glanced over at Steven who was just as big a mess as I was. We glared at Kristina who literally owned the room. The instructor even gave her a couple of good jobs. With legs twice the length of my entire body, she did every pose with grace and ease. I kept biting the inside of my cheek instead of breathing properly.
Now flip the dog…
You know what? If she wasn’t going to show us how to do things, I was going to figure it out based on their ridiculous names. Flip the dog? Maybe I’m supposed to look like a hot dog that’s ready to be turned over on the grill? Lord knows I felt like one in that heat!
And now flip the dog into a lizard…
Lizard? The poses these people did looked nothing like a lizard. And I would know. I have three of them as pets. I did my best to look like a real lizard. She came over and handed me some training blocks because apparently I was doing it wrong. I knew I was doing it wrong. But I think my lizard looked way better.
I actually got the hang of some of the moves after a bit of time. I felt pretty good about myself because, you know what, I was trying. And the only roadblock in any of these new situations I’ve been facing is my own mind.
The worst part about it? The sweat.
I was sweating so much I glistened. I was sweating so much I slipped on the mat every five seconds. Even if I had a pose, I would eventually lose it due to the massive amount of water exiting my body. I didn’t even know one could sweat that much!
My face was dripping. I felt like I couldn’t even see. So I rubbed my hand over my face and eyes.
And then something happened.
My eyes began to burn with the fire of a thousand suns. Could the sweat cause that? Isn’t sweat just tears coming out of your skin? ISN’T IT? WHY WERE MY EYES BURNING?
I reached over and grabbed my tiny washcloth and rubbed it over my face. And guess what? It made things worse! The towel had these little pieces of fuzz that ended up getting stuck in my eyes. And mouth. I spent the rest of the time trying to pick out the fuzzies. It took everything in me to hold in my laughter.
I would watch Kristina or this lady in front of me and just did my best to copy what they were doing. Every time I thought I was doing okay, I’d see someone doing something incredible. There was one woman doing a handstand on her head. A headstand, if you will. I didn’t even know that was a thing!
By the end of the session, I was ready to peace out. Did I feel overwhelmingly embarrassed by my performance? Nope! Did I feel like I could get better with some practice? Yup!
That once immensely hot cool-down room? Boy, it felt so good when we stepped back in there.

So what did I think of hot yoga? Well, I’m not quite sure it’s for me. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the experience and all those who enjoy it.
“So Miss Sees, when are we going again?” Kristina asked with a smile.
I shall post my answer here:
I’m ready when you are, kid. I’m ready when you are.
Session 10– Five Weeks Down
August 3, 2017
It’s officially been one month since my first-ever personal training session! And this whole thing is becoming so routine, it’s almost not even fun to write about anymore. Almost.
I walked into the gym having to pee like a racehorse. I had way too much water before the workout. I literally announced this fact to Pasquale as I ran (jogged) past him, straight to the bathroom. I’m peeing a lot more, which I guess means I’m well hydrated. I’ll take it.
Foam rolling today was a bit of a venting session. There have been certain circumstances in my life which have me in a bit of a tizzy, so I unleashed my anger on that foam roller as my trainer listened and offered his advice. I simply don’t pay him enough because not only is he my trainer, he’s my therapist and occasional Italian/Anatomy teacher.
Back in the day, before starting on this journey, I would stop exercising when I got tired. So basically, if I were at the gym striding on the elliptical, I just…stopped when I felt like it. Tired after 20 minutes of elliptical-ing? Then get off!
That no longer exists in my life. I learned, as basic as this sounds, that you can keep going. You can do a lot more than you think. Even though I hate being out of breath and the feeling of exhaustion, I am constantly impressing myself with just how much my body can handle.

Instead of running, we did something where Pasquale turned the treadmill into a mountain. Okay, not literally (that would be impressive), but you get what I mean.
Incline. Inclining. Walking up a freaking mountain. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I was back in Japan, back to climbing Mt. Fuji with Naomi-san.

People call it uphill. Biggest most annoying hill of my life! My legs felt sore in the back. My hamstrings. That treadmill conveyor belt thing kept on moving, and I just couldn’t wait until it ceased its relentless torture. I was breathing heavily, my saliva was becoming thick and unyielding. When it was finally over, I was over it. But the workout was only beginning.
After the hilling, it was on to lifting. It’s so crazy because I really enjoy the variation; I like not knowing what each day will bring. Every session is a challenge and I have to push myself. I feel like I am slowly decreasing my limitations with the lifting.
Today while pulling the metal-pully-rowing thing, I noticed calluses on my hands. I informed my trainer who held out his callus-ridden palms.
I grimaced. “Oh my God! Are my hands going to look like yours?”
Probably not. But if they did, I think it’d be kind of cool. I’d walk around like, Hell yeah my hands can lift things!
I continued to pull the…you know what? I really need to learn the name of all these things. Pasquale counted each pull in Italian (See. Italian lesson.), and I was on my way to the next bit before I knew it.
I did a couple of lifts that my trainer called a piece of cake. I sighed realizing that lifting was the only piece of cake I’d be having for a while. Just throwing that out there. It’s been five weeks since I’ve had real ice cream or cake. Dieting is hard in the summer. But I am keeping my eyes on the prize: fitness, health, rockin’ bod, and a scuba certification.

After cake, I planked like an unruly pirate. I hate planking, but I am definitely feeling stronger while doing it. I was on my last round of planking for the day. Pasquale is always incredibly encouraging as he looks at his Apple Watch.
“You got this. Ten more seconds.”
I kept shifting my hip over. I learned that it’s because my body is compensating to my stronger side. (See. Anatomy lesson.) Pasquale kept reminding me to stay centered. As I struggled to hold my weight, it felt like a lot more than ten seconds. I started counting in my head. He wasn’t telling me to cut and I started to feel like this was the longest ten seconds of my life.
I dropped.
“How long was that?” I asked.
“39.5 seconds.”
“How long did I have to hold it for?”
“30.” He smiled.
See. You’re definitely capable of a lot more than you think.
I had to walk (felt like a jog) on an incline again at the end of the workout. I was completely exhausted but I pushed through, trying to think of songs to sing or presidents to say to get my mind off being tired.
“Pump your arms.”
In my head I was a whiney child. But I don’t wanna!
I had three minutes left and nothing was a good enough distraction. But then Pasquale said something that piqued my interest.
I started talking. As I finished my thought, I glanced down at my feet on the treadmill, wondering when this three minutes would be over.
“You realize you went way over the time, right?” said Pasquale.
I didn’t realize that at all. And I was almost a minute over. He smiled and set the treadmill to cool-down.
See. You’re definitely capable of a lot more than you think.

Week five has officially come to a close. If week six is anything like the previous weeks, it’s going to be challenging, vigorous, and fun. Can you believe I’m the same person? Fun? Is this the new me?
Yeah. It is. And you know what? It’s good to be me.
Session 11– Stranger Things
August 7, 2017
I had a really busy day prior to attending my eleventh (!) session. I was running around New Jersey like a hippo at a carnival. I called and texted people left and right, picked up my car from the shop, drank water. I hate being busy prior to a training session, but I made sure I had a delicious pre-workout snack: RASPBERRIES!
And I think those raspberries did just the trick. I felt pretty great today even though I’ve been feeling more stressed than usual.
With everything going on in my life right now — and I’m being so serious — I feel like going to the gym to lift weights and crap actually helps my mood. What have I become? I suppose there are stranger things I could be enjoying.

My alone time is just what I needed this summer. It’s one thing that’s just…mine. When I’m in the gym, it’s only me working towards my goal of being better. Whether it’s my sessions with Pasquale or my own independent workouts, I’m becoming more in tune with my body, and I’m definitely feeling stronger and leaner. I’m still not great by any means, but I’m getting there. This current body I have, well, it took thirty years to get it to look like this; I’m not expecting to be perfect after only five weeks. But after six weeks? Yeah. I should be perfect-looking by then. (I’m kidding. Seven weeks is way more realistic.)
I walked into the room and noticed there was no foam roller, just a mat. I gestured my confusion.
“Let’s see if you remember the exercises I sent you.”
Literally had no idea what he was talking about. I’m the worst trainee ever.
Once he explained, I remembered and did my fun yoga-pilatesesque moves. At one point, he showed me something as he stood up. I thought I had to stand up too, so I made it to my feet.
“Why are you standing?”
“Because you’re standing.”
He shook his head. “I’m just showing you what to do while standing up!”
He made his typical what-exactly-is-a-Linda-Sees kind of face. I’m still such a newbie. Still embarrassing myself on multiple occasions. Even though I don’t actually get embarrassed.
After finishing those fun exercises, we moved on to planking.
I’d really like to invest in an eye patch for all the planking I’ve been doing. Could you imagine the look on my trainer’s face when I plant that piece of ridiculousness on my face? Actually, you don’t know what he looks like, so no, you can’t. But I can! Well, shiver me timbers, I’m checking Amazon after I’m done writing this.
I started my plank and held it. And argh matey! It was a long time. I felt like the seasons were changing in the window behind me, could feel a white hair sprouting from the top of my head, and I may or may not have envisioned Pasquale introducing me to his great-grandchildren, Giovanni and Giuseppe.
Why aren’t you stopping me?
I had a sneaking suspicion he was up to his old tricks.
“And cut.”
I dropped to the floor. “How long was that?”
922 years
“A minute.”
A minute. Well would ya look at that! I’m the strongest person alive. No question. I’m pretty damn proud of myself.
Running (jogging) came next. I did it and — yet again — it’s becoming easier. My face wasn’t as red. I wasn’t as sweaty. I felt fine as we began the rotation. Actually, I learned some killer new moves today!
My trainer began his demonstration. “Okay. This one’s just like a butt bow.”
The fact that Pasquale calls them butt bows on the regular (with me anyway), I feel like I’ve made an impact on this world. You’re welcome. (It’s kind of like how I always started my work e-mails with “My esteemed colleagues,” and by the end of this year, I saw four separate co-workers use it to address the faculty. You’re welcome.)
I asked for the names of some of the new moves (Are they called moves? Is this a dance class?) so I could write them properly on here. But unlike everything else that happens, I completely forgot what they’re called. Oh well. I’ll try to remember them for next time.
There was one where I had to pull this thing attached to the metal-doohickey-contraption. (It’s really bothering me that I can’t remember the name!) And there was this other thing where I had to remind myself to stay still while pulling on this rope thing. It was more challenging than I initially anticipated.
I actually had a speaker with me today, so I offered to turn it on.
“No, Linda. I don’t want to listen to show tunes.” How did he know? If I had a nickel for every time I wrote this on here — MIND READER. “But I have Italian rap if you’re interested.”
Thanks, but no thanks. I’m pretty sure he was kidding. I hope he was kidding. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t kidding.
Towards the end of the session, my trainer tried to have me do the kneel-bend thing with the bar without the bar. I tried. I really did. But I just couldn’t do it. (I forgot to mention my knees are all bruised up from yoga. That could be part of it. Or that could be a lame excuse.) I don’t think my back muscles are quite ready yet, but the day I am able to accomplish this feat, I’ll be pretty darn excited.
Overall, today’s session was great. I ran for five minutes at five miles per hour at the end of the workout. I loathed it. But it didn’t kill me. It made me stronger, obviously.

So what’s the moral of the story for today? I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking the question. I also asked another question while we stretched:
“Why are my leg muscles so tight?”
“You need to stretch more.”
I need to stretch more! I never really thought about that before. He was totally right and it’s basically my new habit for the week. When do I stretch? I only do it after completing a Leslie DVD. The only thing I do pretty regularly is the foam roller. Does that count? Is rolling the same as stretching? No idea! But I do my foam rolling on the daily.

Mondays, man. Mondays. I love Mondays because they set the tone for the rest of the week. And if today is any indication, Tuesday-Saturday are going to be amazing.
Session 12– La Borsa
August 10, 2017
I’m just going to start with this little thing right here:

My heart is getting stronger. My body is getting stronger. My mind is getting stronger. I’m just stronger than yesterday. Now it’s nothing but my way. (Thanks Britney!)
Even though I’m pushing myself harder, I still feel like things are getting easier. Does that make sense?
Any days I have off, I’m doing things I normally wouldn’t do. And I’m capable of more even though this is only the end of week six. The other day at school, I needed to move this heavy office chair from the second floor to the first floor. The chair was on the opposite side of the building ie: I had to carry that sucker down two flights of stairs and three hallways. Prior to becoming a legitimate workout-er, I would have asked maintenance or my boss or my BFF John to carry the chair for me.
Not anymore.
The following conversation occurred between my boss and me as I made my way down the hall:
“Linda…what are you doing?” he asked, his voice trailing off slightly.
“Carrying a chair down the hallway.”
He did a what-exactly-is-a-Linda-Sees kind of face. It’s a look I get often. “Yes. I can see that. But why?”
“Because I need to bring it to Jess’s room.”
“Can I carry it for you?”
“Nope! Made it this far. And I workout now, so…”
He made a comment and then laughed quietly to himself as he opened the door to his office, allowing me to accomplish my epic feat. I was stopped one more time in the hallway by someone from the maintenance staff who almost removed the chair from my grasp, insisting he carry it for me.
I didn’t let him. And I carried that chair into Jess’s room. The smile on her face made it all worth it.

See? I just know I’m stronger.
In addition to being stronger, I’m also feeling thinner. The muffin top is basically gone. I went shopping for the first time in a while (training ain’t cheap) and tried on a dress I really liked. Normally at this particular store, I am a tight size 10 because the sizes run small. But when I got to my heavier point this year, I couldn’t even fit in the 10. Muffin-top game was way too real.
I decided to try on a size 8. And guess what? The dress fit but it was kind of big. The employee suggested a smaller size which would have been a 6! I wasn’t down with that though because I knew it’d be too form-fitting for me. It’s a dress I want to be able to wear to school functions, ya know. But in any case, being told I needed a smaller size was amazing. Can I please remind you it’s only been six weeks and I’m almost a size 6?
Anyway, let’s get back to talking about my amazing workout. Ya know, the workout sessions that are pretty much the reason why I’m starting to feel so good about myself lately.
I was almost late for my session. I had to park super far and I got distracted by these adorable children in the parking lot. One of them had a Little Mermaid shirt, so we bonded right away. We chatted and then I realized I had to abandon my conversation with the little ones if I wanted to keep my trainer happy. I made it inside with one minute to spare.
The foam roller was back and so was I! After foam rolling, we did some new moves with the bands. (Seriously, are they called moves? I have no idea.) I felt pretty good as we made our way to the treadmill. But then I realized…
Incline. He wanted me to incline.
Pasquale chatted with me as my hamstrings detached from whatever tendons or bones they’re attached to. I’m not big on the incline, but it burns tons of calories. And I feel…the burn. (SERIOUS QUESTION. Do we say feel the burn because we feel the calories burning? Is that where the expression comes from? Is it? Why have I never questioned this before?)

After inclining, we did some leg presses. I’m not sure what exactly I’m pressing these days, but it’s something. Pasquale is in charge of the weight and most of the time, I don’t pay much attention to it. But I did pay attention to the weight he put down for my butt bows.
He placed the weight on the floor. For him, it’s like he’s carrying a Tootsie Roll. (I’m dieting. Leave me alone. I’ll make food references whenever the hell I want, thank you very much.) This weight looked much larger than normal, like a much bigger purse than I’m used to lifting.
The weight on the…weight…is listed in kilograms. We all know I don’t speak metric, and I’ll never do a conversion, but it was nearly fifty pounds (44.1 to be exact). And I’m pretty sure I started with a weight of maybe five pounds on my first day. Again, not really sure. Only Pasquale knows the truth.
Whatever the weight, I was killing it. Every bit of the rotation, every lifting apparatus, every piece of that gym was feeling just how strong I am becoming.
Pasquale pretended my fist bump hurt his knuckles.
“With great power comes great responsibility,” I said, “and I guess I’m just not responsible yet.”
Was anything super challenging? The answer is yes. I had a lot of trouble with the press-up thingy. It’s this one machine where I sit on this seat and I have to press the bars up and then control them down. Pasquale usually spots me when my muscle fatigue kicks in, but I didn’t want to know about it. I literally had my eyes closed the entire time, pressing as hard as I could, trying to do every push on my own.
How did I know I was working out like a superstar?
My thigh and crotch sweat game was real. On my list of least favorite types of sweat, thigh and crotch sweat top the list. Oh. My. Goodness. But hey! It’s all part of being a not-so-newbie trainee.
The session started winding down. I did my…cable rows? I think that’s what they’re called and I think — Scratch that. I know — I am actually learning.
Pasquale uses millennial lingo from time to time, proving that he’s way hipper than I am. He explained some muscles to me and something else I should have paid attention to. He then asked, “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”
I smiled. “Oh yes. I am picking it up and putting it in my purse for later.”
“La borsa,” he said.
“What?”
“La borsa. Purse.” See? Added bonus of free Italian lessons.
But the word got me thinking.
Everything I am learning, every bit of what I am doing, I am starting to pick it up. But I’m not only picking it up temporarily— so much of it is staying with me, staying in my purse for later.
I literally pick up what Pasquale puts down every single session, whether it’s the actual weights he places on the floor, or the wealth of knowledge he provides about fitness and my health.
He is teaching me so much about myself, teaching me things I didn’t even realize I had to learn. And I just can’t wait until the next phase of my training. (I’m saying this now…but…oh boy. I’m nervous.)
At the end of the workout — the final incline of death and despair— Pasquale was talking, and somehow we got to speaking about my name in Spanish. I explained to him why my parents chose my name. (Long story, but Linda means beautiful in Spanish, my mother’s native language. I’m sure you all know that — but just in case!)
“How do you say weird in Spanish?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Why?” I smirked when I realized why he asked.
“Whatever it is, I think that’d be a better fit than Linda.”
It’s extraño by the way. As in, I can’t believe I have to deal with all this extraño nonsense while I’m working out. He had to keep reminding me not to fall off the treadmill, because I was pretending to be offended so much that I almost did. (You’re the best trainer ever, Pasquale! And I would never, ever, ever, make fun of you. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?)

Week six, you were incredible. Truly. Thank you for everything.
Week seven, I’m so ready. Let’s go!
Session 13– It’s Morphin’ Time!
August 14, 2017
I have to be honest. Today was a tough day for me personally, but the moment I stepped into the gym, any ounce of sadness or stress melted away.
I greeted Pasquale enthusiastically (I may or may not have walked in jumping up and down while saying, “Guess what? Guess what?”) as I lost another 2.3 pounds, which is great. My weight loss is consistent, I haven’t plateaued, and I feel really awesome about not eating ice cream on a daily basis.
Then he dropped the bomb.
“It’s time to up the cardio.”
My heart dropped faster than that bomb of a statement. “So no more Leslie?”
“No more Leslie.”
I know I said earlier that I was going to post a mega monthlong review, but I decided to save it for the end of my eighth week. I just wanted to have a bit more to write about. And once you read that, you’ll know just how much the Leslie DVDs mean to me. Pasquale knows all of this, he understands the significance, and he’s been really great at getting to know that part of my world. In any case, Leslie Sansone is my favorite person in the history of fitness. I have been using her DVDs for years, most frequently with my dear friend, Ally.

I knew this day would come. I knew I wouldn’t be able to only burn 350 calories in 45 minutes and call it a day. The fact of the matter is, I’m getting stronger. My body is used to that low-intensity cardio. And it just isn’t cutting it anymore.
Pasquale said I should be burning close to the amount of calories we burn together during our strength-training sessions. Here’s how many calories I burned today:

So I have officially retired Leslie and decided to seek out other cardio ventures.
Anyway, after foam rolling and band stuff, we went to the treadmill for a run. Today he distracted me by rhyming words together and saying he was OG something or another. I don’t know. The guy is weird. Weird but he knows exactly what he’s doing. I really didn’t even realize I was on the treadmill.
When Pasquale said it was time to up the cardio on my days away from him, I had no idea that he was going to expand my strength-training horizons as well. I learned so many new exercises! And I burned so many calories. I can’t believe this is only the beginning. I’m still nervous for what the future holds.
My trainer brought the stretchy-handle-band things back and attached them to the metal-doohickey contraption. I had to hold onto the handles and pull myself forward and then backward. Very repetitive, as everything is when it comes to working out. These were necessary though. I feel like I’ll definitely be sore tomorrow.
One of the most challenging aspects of today didn’t require any machines at all. I had to hold my arms straight out while Pasquale pushed against the side of my hands for thirty seconds. While he pushed, I had to push back as hard as I could, fighting against the resistance. In my mind — and I said it out loud too — I pretended he was a crazy axe murderer for real and I had to fight him off.
I lost. I lost so bad. Actually, there were a couple of times when I was able to dive deep and sorta move his hand over .5 inches. Not too bad for a first try.
So what was my favorite new exercise today? Well, there was this one thing that literally reminded me of the megazord. Actually, no. It reminded me of a regular zord. Like I was basically Kimberly — AKA the Pink Power Ranger — piloting the Pterodactyl zord. I’ve never used the word zord this many times in my whole life.

It was a thing with arms and half a ball as a back rest. Whoever thinks a giant plastic ball is a comfort on your back is seriously disturbed.
I told Pasquale of what the new contraption reminded me. (I’ll use proper grammar on here for once.) He asked if I recently watched the new Power Rangers movie, because that just had to be the reason I would randomly think of that. I told him I didn’t see it yet, but I would probably watch eventually.
He then proceeded to tell me the entire plot unknowingly as I struggled to lift my knees.
I smirked. “Thanks. I guess there’s no reason for me to see it now…”
The only reason I’m writing all of these Power Rangers references is basically because I have no idea how to describe what I was actually doing. I held onto these bars and then had to lift my knees up and then put them back down. I mean, it might sound basic to some people reading this, but to me — whoa. This was a whole new level in my training. And I actually didn’t mind it at all. I even added some extra knee pull ups, which I shouldn’t have done because Pasquale was quick — “Great. Now you have to do that many for each rep.” I have to be careful when I show off. He doesn’t miss a beat.
Every single exercise was more intense. But even with more intensity, I just felt so good by the end of the workout. I know I sound like a broken record, but each day just gets better and better.
This is a shorter post because I will most definitely be writing about my days off as I’ll be doing something other than my Leslie DVDs. Hope you enjoy whatever it is I end up doing!
I feel as though I am evolving; it’s like I’m…morphing…into an even better version of myself.
And you know what? It’s about damn time.
It’s morphin’ time, people. It’s morphin’ time.
Session 14– Linda’s Awesome Mix Volume 1
August 17, 2017
Do you remember how I said I was going to write separate posts about my intense cardio workouts this week?
HA! Yeah. Well that didn’t happen, did it? I was way too exhausted after my cardio to think of anything else.
I jest, I jest. I actually planned an incredibly last-minute trip to Sedona. I leave this coming Sunday with one of my work BFFs, Kathleen. Prior to my workout today and after my workout today, I was just…busy. So much going on at work, so much going on at home. I need this vacation more than anything right now. I am so glad it’s happening.
Today I walked into my training session kind of stressed, but I was also really excited about my progress. On Monday, Pasquale told me I had to up the cardio and cut out the Leslie DVDs. He already knew I went running on Tuesday. (I ran outside in the rain with Kristina while the soccer team practiced soccering. It was so much fun — minus the geese crap which splattered all over our sneakers.) My boys were very confused as to why I was running and shouted lovingly as I ran past them. Okay, okay. Here’s a fun selfie after our rainventure at my school:

Anyway, what Pasquale didn’t know was that I used a treadmill on Wednesday and…well…I’ll just leave this here:

I thought I was going to blow it out of the water. I thought I was going to impress him so much he would retire from personal training forever — because really — how does it get better than Linda Sees on the treadmill? It just doesn’t.
Well, while he was proud of me and my accomplishment, apparently this was one of those too much of a good thing kind of situations. And my knee was kind of bothering me as I foam rolled.
I overdid it.
We laughed. I cried.
I —
continued my day of strength training like a champ.
We skipped the treadmill altogether for obvious reasons and went right into the routine. And today, Pasquale introduced even more new moves. (Seriously. ARE THEY CALLED MOVES? Or do I just say exercises?)

What did I hate the most? I had to do this one ridiculous thing that looked like a half-assed pushup. You have to kind of go down and then come back up, pinching your shoulders back. I felt almost like I was a former angel trying to grow her wings back, pushing them out from my shoulder blades, but the wings were stuck and they weren’t going to ever come out. Ever.
It was tricky. Felt kind of difficult. Pasquale had to ask what was wrong, told me to forget about whatever nonsense I was thinking about. (I was thinking about some nonsense, to be honest. Like being an angel who had to push wings out of her shoulders.) I cleared my mind and started to do a bit better. However…
Pasquale made a playlist for me. Or tried to make a playlist for me. It was called Linda’s Workout Mix, I think. But if I were to create one, I’d call it Linda’s Awesome Mix Volume 1. Maybe he was hamming it up for the blog. Or maybe he just needed an excuse to play his music. The songs he played — oh man — it took some time to appreciate the nuances. Luckily, I have lots of experience with middle and high schoolers; I can maybe dig the modern stuff occasionally.
“Is this actual music that you listen to?” I asked.
He smiled and nodded.
“Who are you?!” I furrowed my brow as I did my butt bows.
He’s the expert at all things workout related, so apparently I have to be into this if I want to exercise like a champ.
Challenge accepted.
Next came another ridiculous exercise. He called it the inchworm, but I felt more like an injured aardvark. You know what I’m talking about.

While doing the inchworm, you are basically crawling into plank position on your hands while you’re standing up. I’ve never seen a worm do a plank. But I’ve seen them crawl and I can kind of see the similarity, but…meh. Injured aardvark sounds better.
I decided that the pull-up machine is my favorite. I really don’t have any complaints. And I guess I don’t even feel the need to write about it on here anymore.
So what other struggles did I have today? I had to do heavy carries and other weights that I have to lift whilst lying down; it’s not really the lying down I want to do though. I was tired. Very tired. And I really just wanted to take a nap. Today was not my best, but it definitely was not my worst.

Seven weeks, guys. It has been seven whole weeks.
There is no session for me on Monday since I will be on vacation in Sedona. But I promise I won’t mess this up. Week eight will be just as strong, if not stronger.
There’s a gym at my resort and I’ll be hiking every single day. I’m not planning on doing any major damage to the diet. I’ll continue to watch my portions even though I may indulge in some ice cream or In-N-Out Burger. (Come on! How often am I this far west? And I haven’t had ice cream in seven weeks.) As long as I don’t overindulge, I think I should be okay.
See you soon, kids! Thanks for stopping by.
Linda Sees’s Day Off — Arizona Dreaming
August 20–24, 2017
All the leaves are dry…
And it’s better that way…
I went for a hike…
On a sunny day…
Guys. GUYS. GUYS! What an incredible adventure. I just have to write about my trip on here because my fitness dreams are becoming a reality. YOU GUYS!
And before you say anything about my eight-week review — it’s coming, just like the IKEA furniture I’ve been waiting for all summer. It’s on its way, just didn’t arrive on time as anticipated. I promise you’ll have my full eight-week review before I return to work. It is an important write-up as I set my first goal of having a stronger, more rockin’ bod by Labor Day. (That was my crazy-goal date. More realistically, I hope to be happier with my shape by the end of October.) These were my goals, but recently I’ve come to realize I have some different goals in mind.
This trip to Arizona with my BFF coworker friend Kathleen was completely random. Completely spontaneous! We booked the trip in a matter of minutes and left a couple of days later.

I’ve been to Arizona before. I did a road trip with my friend Kelly exactly six years ago. We drove all around the state (and Nevada and Utah and New Mexico and Colorado), but we didn’t go to Sedona.
I heard all about Sedona, especially recently on those holistic channels, ya know the ones. It’s supposed to be this super spiritual, super zen-like place. I know a lot of people hike and meditate and do all these awesome things there. Again, I heard about it, but I didn’t know what I was really in for.
Both Kathleen and I wanted to relax and enjoy the spa amenities provided by the resort. (I never had a massage in my life! Was very excited to try it.) But now that I’m super fit and all, I also wanted to try hiking. Real hiking. Miles into the wilderness, seeing the red rocks up close so I could get my zen on.
So hike we did!

I didn’t get any fancy hiking clothes really. I just used my regular workout gear because, same thing I guess. Actually, not the same thing. But that’s another tale for another blog post.
This post is going to be short, but in a few days, I realized just how much my training sessions have prepared me for being more adventurous. For enjoying the outdoors. For enjoying life. I so much want to enjoy life. And I didn’t anticipate my body would be so ready for this adventure.
Walking uphill for miles didn’t really faze me.
Climbing rocks to get to the top of a summit didn’t really faze me.
The fact that I was able to do so much without thinking about it, well, that fazed me.
In addition to the hikes, I made a point of doing cardio and weight training [It’s italicized because me trying to remember everything I normally did without Pasquale guiding me was laugh out loud hilarious…] I spent time at the gym alone as I watched other resort guests swimming in the pool right outside the window.

Did I spend a whole hour in the gym every single day? Of course not. I would alternate between 30 minutes to 45 minutes depending on how much we hiked. I wore my heart monitor for every adventure, and one day I burned 900 calories at Brins Mesa. No need for the gym that day, obviously. I stuck to my diet for the most part except for a couple of cheat meals. If I cheated, I tried to make sure I burned extra calories if I felt it was necessary.
One of those cheat meals was a magically delicious experience at our resort’s main restaurant. The tables are lined right along a tranquil creek which makes for the most pleasant and romantic evening. (Kathleen and I joked about how romantic everything was on a daily basis, how lucky we were that it was just the two of us without her husband or my imaginary boyfriend.)
Our waiter insisted the lighting was perfect for a photo as we ordered our dinner. We stood up from our seats and posed, hoping to capture the romance for all eternity. I took a look on my camera afterwards. Kathleen and I looked beautiful — as does the scenery — but I did a double-take once I saw the actual photo on my computer:

My shoulder has never looked like that before. Never. Never in the thirty years of my existence has my shoulder looked like that! It’s not much, but it looks like it’s getting muscly or whatever. Same with my back. I’m building muscle where I’ve never built muscle before and it feels pretty damn good.
And eating a three course meal after being on a diet for eight weeks also felt pretty damn good.
And spending an incredible evening with my friend by the water also felt pretty damn good.
Eight weeks later, there are definite physical changes happening. And, as I have said way too many times, that feels pretty damn good. But you know what feels even better?
Being able to climb something like this!


When I first started my journey, the end of week eight seemed so far away. And yet, here we are. I had no idea what this eight weeks would mean to me and what I would accomplish in such a short amount of time.
I know the next eight weeks will pass just as quickly. What will I be able to accomplish by then? What will my body look like? Will I finally be truly happy with my whole self?

I don’t know. But I’m ready to find out.
Session 15– The Return of the Sees
August 25, 2017
Just one day after my adventure, I was back with Pasquale in the gym getting my fitness on. He was gracious enough to squeeze me in on a Friday since I missed both our Monday and Thursday sessions.
To be honest, I wanted to get back into the routine right away. I was freaking out thinking my muscles turned to mush over the break, even though I was hiking and rock climbing and swimming and going to the gym and eating right every single day except for one cheat meal and one cheat dessert. I know — I’m one of those people now.
And of course — obviously — I was anxious to tell my trainer about my incredibly short yet incredibly amazing trip.
I wondered what he did without me on Monday and Thursday. I imagined him sitting at home with his dog and cat eating a gallon of ice cream as he pondered how in the world he would survive without my incredible charm, hilarious persona, impeccable dedication, and strong workout ethic for an entire week. Seriously. I would be miserable without me.
“So what did you do on Monday and Thursday while I was gone?!” I asked.
I waited for it. It was going to be something crazy amazing like:
Well, since I had a whole free hour, I decided to climb Mt. Vesuvius!
OR
I had so much time on my hands, I decided to start my own blog and wrote an entire entry about how you are just the greatest client I have ever had the privilege of working with.
OR
Life was horrible. Don’t ever leave again!
He spoke.
“Uh…I don’t really remember. I think I scheduled other sessions or something.”

Lame.
In any case, I talked all about my trip as I foam rolled. Pasquale filled me in on his life happenings. It was business as usual. And business is going well.
We anticipated I would be a little sluggish today. Usually when people come back from vacation, they’re not 100% with it.
But guess what?
I’m not other people.
I was 1000% with it. Scratch that. I was 1,000,000% with it! (Except I totally forgot to take my pre-workout selfie! So sorry.)
I jogged. (It’s a jog now, people! It’s a jog! I am Pasquale.) It was a piece of cake I no longer eat. I don’t even think my face was red in the slightest. Now that’s progress.
We moved on to doing a step up which I was never able to do. There’s this bench thing that’s maybe a little over two feet high. (I’m estimating in my head. I literally have no idea how high it is. But I’m short. So it’s probably much higher in my perspective.) In the very beginning, I just couldn’t do the movement at all. I remember one of the first days I ever trained, Pasquale told me to step up and step back down. I looked at him like he had 8,000 heads. There was no way I could do it. And when I tried, well, there was no way I could do it.
Eventually, after a few sessions, I was able to step up onto a lower bench, but even then I had to hold Pasquale’s hands in order to make it to the top.
Today we went over to the higher bench. Pasquale stepped up and back down, making it look easy like he always does. I did an internal eye roll at his physical perfection, thinking this was going to be just like last time. Seriously. He better not go too far because I was most certainly going to need to hold his hands like a three-year-old girl at the ice-skating rink.
I walked over to the bench and stepped up. And then I stepped back down.
It was like the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I’m pretty sure Pasquale used an expletive as I just stepped up and back down like it was nothing.
“You couldn’t do this at all before! Linda!”
“Maybe it was the rock climbing,” I replied. I acted nonchalant on the outside, but on the inside, I was pretty damn proud of my legs.
“This works your glutes,” he said matter-o-factly per the usual. Damn mind reader. Okay, not proud of my legs. Proud of my glutes.
“I’m going to have glutes!” I always wanted some of those.
He shook his head and looked at the floor per the usual. He went on to explain muscles and things, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, I WAS STEPPING UP ON A BENCH AND STEPPING BACK DOWN. Freaking amazing!
“Why can I do this now?” I asked. “I mean, I couldn’t do it at all before.”
He smiled as his eyes widened. “Pro-gress. It’s called progress.”
I’m progressing, people! I’m progressing.
We moved on to butt bows. I was messing them up and kind of doing a squat instead. I blame it on the bathrooms at the beginning of the hiking trails. They weren’t bathrooms; they were literal holes in the floor that smelled like…you know what? I’m not even going to describe it because I care about all of my readers. Jesus. It was terrible. No human being should ever have to endure what I endured in that bathroom.
ANYWAY — I used my butt bow position to pee over the holes. Brilliant. So brilliant. I felt so strong and secure in my peeing position. Okay, I’m going off on a tangent, but…THE BUTT BOWS SAVED MY ASS. Literally.
ANYWAY — Pasquale had to hold my knees in place, forcing me to correct my butt bow form. I got the hang of it eventually, but he started asking what the heck my new habit was:

I don’t know. For some reason, each time I came up with the weight, I twitched my head to the side like Michael Jackson in Thriller. I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe I was temporarily possessed. Who knows. I’ll make every effort to never do it again.
The rest of the session was just perfect. I felt good. He felt good. We felt good. And then Chance the Rapper came on the television.
The image caught Pasquale’s attention. “He dances like you. Would you look at that…Linda the Rapper.”
I don’t dance like Chance the Rapper.
I’m pretty sure every single person dances while they’re lifting weights. I know I do it on the daily. But I look nothing like this:

I’m going to have to up my dancing game if he thinks that is what I look like.
I jogged a bit more at the end of the session and didn’t even feel the need to call it a day. (But we did call it a day because the dude gets paid by the hour.)
“I am so proud of you,” Pasquale said.
“I’m so proud of you!” I responded.
“You can’t take a compliment, can you?”
I always thought I could, but I realized instantaneously that I usually compliment the person right back after their praise. I don’t know. I like people. And if they say something nice about me, I want to say it back to them.
“Don’t say it back to me. Say thank you. That’s it. Thank you. And then move on.”
I guess it’s something to consider moving forward.
But in all honesty, I am proud of Pasquale, too. He has to put up with my nonsense twice a week. I’m an interesting character and he’s taken the time to really try to understand me, not an easy feat. He’s helping me transform my life in a way I couldn’t do on my own. And I’ll forever be grateful.
Saturday and Sunday will be some intense cardio days. Maybe I’ll run outside. Maybe I’ll run in the gym. Not really sure.
But of what am I certain? Whatever I end up doing this weekend, my triumphant return to fitness at home will be all anyone sees.
Session 16– Look What You Made Me Do
August 28, 2017

After an incredible Friday session, I was ready to kill it again today. Ready to kill it again! Kill what, exactly? I don’t know. I never really understood that expression to be honest.
I rushed home from work to make it to my session on time. I was actually super early, but my brain was focused on stuff that was happening at school. And Pasquale’s brain was focused on stuff that was happening with his work, too.
Once I got through with the foam rolling, all that kind of faded and I knew I was in for another amazing workout. I feel really great lately. I hope I can continue to feel great once I start working again next week.
I jogged on the treadmill at 5 miles per hour. Yup. Jogged. And we talked the entire time. I literally talked to Pasquale the entire jog and then I moved on to all the new movements. (Get it? I moved on to the…movements! Moved? Movements? Is this thing on?)
Everything today was new. Everything was new! A whole new world! A dazzling place I never knew.
I realized that working out is kind of like math. Do you remember when you took Algebra and the teacher told you that all math just builds upon each other? Like, okay here are the basics, but you need to understand these in order to move on to more complex equations. Ya get me?
I’ve reached the more complex equations.
Pasquale explained something to me today and I can’t really remember what it was. He was telling me about the different kinds of days, and how this is now a combination of this and that and yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, again, I’ve reached the more complex equations. But not the most complex equations. Still haven’t done the:

I’m more at this level:

Yeah. I’m at the quadratic-formula level of weight training.
God I hate math.
Pasquale has noticed that I’m thinner and my movements are stronger and more with it. One of the things I had to do was step back and then come up? OH MY GOD. How the hell do I describe this one? Wait. I’m suddenly remembering how he described it to me:
“It’s basically half a butt bow. With two weights.”
So there you have it. Half a butt bow with two weights. His lips to God’s ears. Thank you for speaking my language, Pasquale.
I was able to do the half-a-butt-bow thing really well. Prior to this, I used to hold onto the pulley-doohickey thing for support. Support? Don’t need it anymore. My body is able to handle more by the day.
Pasquale was proud of my progress once again. “This is great! You sucked before. Now you suck less.”
Relax! He was joking, of course, as we had been talking about nightmare trainers and the nightmarish things they might say. I laughed because honestly — it’s true! I do suck less.
I did some combination work on the yellow band pulley thing. I had to pull myself up in different ways. Again, no idea how to describe it. I did more than I was supposed to, which is a plus, and I felt pretty great by the end of it. Well, not great, I felt accomplished.
Later on, I was back on the yellow band pulley thing. This time, he had me doing pushups in the air. Air pushups, if you will. And I was killing it.
“I’m the master of the yellow band pulley thing!” I exclaimed.
Pasquale shook his head. “You mean the TRX? Oh this’ll make it on the blog.”
I said it probably wouldn’t cause I wouldn’t remember the name TRX. But then I got this mental image in my head of a Tyrannosaurus Rex trying to do the TRX. Oh my gosh. Can someone please make a meme? Please?! Internet gold.
And that, my friends, is how I remember complex things.
I then started talking about being a scuba diver — again — and how I was going to sign up for scuba certification classes in a couple of weeks. I’m so serious about this. It’s something I really need to do. This is the new me. I’m not holding back and becoming a scuba diver is something I have dreamed of for such a long time. And there’s no time like the present to turn your dreams into reality.
Pasquale said I should have a dance for when I go for my very first scuba diving lesson. I didn’t tell him, but that’s always been the plan. Duh.
He then began to mimic what he envisioned my scuba dance to look like. The image of my super-serious (not that serious) personal trainer doing a scuba dance will probably be the most entertaining part of my week. (I don’t know what this says about my life really, but I digress.)
Scuba diving reminds me of fish. And turtles. And dolphins. And whales.
So I started speaking in whale to Pasquale, you know, to show that I’m fluent in more than one language. And you know what happened next? The guy literally walked away from me!

“I don’t know her,” he said as he walked towards the window, hands over his eyes, head shaking in disappointment.
I don’t care how many people were in there. There’s no shame in speaking in whale to your trainer. Especially when said trainer just made up an entire scuba dance!
“But you do,” I said as I continued to master the TRX. “You do know me.”
“I know. I know you. And you just spoke whale to me. I’m done.”
He wasn’t done. He came right back to the TRX.
Please tell me these things happen at all personal training sessions. It’d be a shame if they didn’t. A damn shame.
One of the last things before jogging again was a new motion using the purse-looking weights. I had to lift them up and bring them back down while kneeling on the mat.
I could feel my muscles shredding.
I then had to plank. Which was fine. And then I went back to lifting the purse-looking weights.
I could feel my muscles shredding.
I had this pain in my left arm, but I pushed through. No pain no gain, am I right?
I then had to plank once more.
The pain in my left arm was too much and it caused me to collapse. I couldn’t do it.
“What’s wrong?” Pasquale asked.
“Umm…it’s nothing. It just hurts — ” I pointed to the area on my arm which was throbbing, “ — here.”
Look what you made me do.
(Listen. The Taylor Swift song has been in my head all day. I just needed an excuse to use it during this post. You’re welcome.)
I got a trainer lecture once more.
You have to tell me when you’re in pain.
How long did it hurt for?
The last four reps? Are you serious? Why didn’t you say anything?
Linda!
The whole no pain, no gain thing is bullshiz.*Please replace the z with a t for a more accurate quote.*
You’re done. Get on the treadmill.

After jogging, I really didn’t feel much pain in my arm/shoulder anymore. I think it was a glitch. Probably muscle fatigue. Who knows. We’ll see how I feel in the morning.
The very end of the session didn’t even faze me because everything else was absolutely perfect. Hopefully the only pain I feel tomorrow will be the soreness from an incredible workout.
Session 17– Pain in the Flutes
August 31, 2017
This will be a short post. I didn’t get to take extensive notes as I usually do, so today has faded. And I have to be authentic on here. Always. So what was today like?
Great day, actually. Fun workout. And never have I ever felt such immense pain in my ass. Not literally anyway.

I know the last workout was epic because I hurt all over. But in the best way possible.
Today’s session started out normal. Foam rolling. Bands. Chat.
“How does your shoulder feel?” Pasquale asked.
“Fine. Totally fine. It’s the flutes! So much pain in my flutes!”
Due to an autocorrect mishap, glutes are now flutes. It’s just the way it is. Nothing can be called what it’s actually called. Seriously. What’s the fun in that?
“Good. Pain in the flutes is good.”
Hell yeah it is! I’ll have amazing flutes in no time.
Treadmill, butt bows, pulling the cable thing. The only difference today was…
“Ew. Where did you get that bruise?”
I have a gnarly bruise on my arm. I guess it’s quite noticeable. I didn’t tell my trainer, but I literally have bruises everywhere. Popping up all over the place and I have no idea where they are coming from!
I know better than to google symptoms. I know if I type in bruises all over body, it’ll tell me I actually died three months ago. No bueno.
I was doing some sort of new variation of a butt bow. I couldn’t really pick up what Pasquale was putting down. Had no idea what the dude was saying! But then…
“Look.”
Holy crap. It was me! On his phone! Doing this move all wrong. It took me a minute to get over my rolls of fat and shapeless flutes.
Listen, when you are training with someone in peak physical form, you’re going to be self-conscious. It’s just the way it is. Actually — to be perfectly honest — I am very comfortable around him and others for the most part, but I have a little ways to go. I’m working on it. Work in progress for sure. But it’s getting better. Again, confident in all that I am. Confident in the person I am. Most confident at work or a book event. Just not comfortable working out or wearing tight clothing. But I’m working on it.
What was I looking at exactly? It was some trainer app on Pasquale’s phone. He started drawing lines and figures. Circled my face and drew an X over it just to mess with me. But it was actually pretty cool. I kind of understood what he wanted me to do and fixed my form.
“See? So much better!” he said.
I can’t remember the name of the app, but if you’re a trainer, get it. If you’re a newbie trainee like myself, make sure your trainer uses it!
Next we went on to the dumbbells.
“You don’t have to clap the dumbbells together every time you bring them up,” he said.
I continued to clap them together.
“Or you can. I mean, it’s up to you. Knock yourself out. Not literally, of course.”
I kept it going. And then had a song for the occasion.
If you’re happy and you know it,
Clap the dumbbells.
I could feel the cringe.
If you’re happy and you know it,
Clap the dumbbells.
He cringed harder, probably glancing around to make sure no one was listening.
If you’re happy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
If you’re happy and you know it,
Clap the dumbbells.
Face in palm. Eyes clothes. For the millionth time, I knew he was thinking back to the days before this newbie trainee started her training.
“In spite of all that, you are getting stronger. So proud of you.”
I was pretty proud, too.
As I move on to WEEK TEN, I can only say I’m proud of what I’ve been able to do so far. And I can’t wait to see what WEEK TEN has in store for me!
Session 18– The Hungry Alligator
September 4, 2017
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
I’m injured, y’all. I’m injured.
Well, this Labor Day, I labored. Well, I thought I was going to hardcore labor. I thought I was going to have a great session filled with step-ups and running. I thought this was going to be another best workout ever. Nope. Not at all. Not even close. We’ll get to all this later.
I foam rolled as usual. Felt okay. Nothing strange going on here.
We did some new kind of yoga-pilatesesque kind of moves today. One which looked absolutely ridiculous and kind of like…
“An alligator. I call this one the Hungry Alligator,” I said as I crushed this sick new move added to my repertoire.
Pasquale shook his head and laughed at the ridiculousness he is used to by now. Face palmed. Wished he never accepted me as a client, etc. etc. I did feel like a hungry alligator, though. I was just at the Labor Day Street Fair and didn’t even eat any of the food they had there. Major bummer.
We did a slight variation of the move.
“What’s this one called?” Pasquale asked.
“Umm…” I had to think. It wasn’t as obvious right away. It still reminded me of an alligator. But there was something else to it. Hmm. I wasn’t sure.
“If you don’t think of a name in the next five seconds, my opinion of you will change completely. I always thought of you as someone with a quick wit. If you don’t get it in 3…2…1…”

“It’s a hungry alligator eating a graceful swan!”
“Swan? I don’t know. Maybe a rabbit.”
“How is this a rabbit?” I questioned as I did the graceful swan move before slapping it down into a hungry alligator. “Not a rabbit. Definitely something in the water.”
“More like a turtle,” he said nodding slyly. “Can alligators crush turtle shells?”
“Of course. But that’s awful. Stop it!”
He knows I love turtles and just the thought of one being injured was enough to push me over the deep end. But I digress. Let’s get back to the workout. Or lack of workout.
I ran on the treadmill. Did fine. Normal. No big deal.
Then Pasquale had me do step-ups.
I stepped up. I felt pain in my hamstring. Whatever.
I stepped down.
I grimaced.
“What’s wrong?” Pasquale asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
I stepped up again. Pain in my hamstring more noticeable this time. Keep going.
I stepped down.
I stepped up again. The pain was excruciating.
“Ow ow ow ow ow,” I said quickly.
“What’s wrong? What hurts?” he asked.
“It’s fine,” I said. “It’s just right here.” I rubbed my hand over my hamstring.
“Okay. Not fine. Let’s try something else.”
We tried something else.
Couldn’t do that either.
“Linda, what happened?”
My mind travelled back to Friday…
I had a marvelous adventure inside this giant inflatable ball. I was in Cape May with my friend Kim’s three children. We have an annual vacation together — just the four of us — and I do all the things kids would want to do. We go to the beach, we pretend we’re spies in a laser maze, we eat ice cream, go to the arcade.
And sometimes we run around inside a giant inflatable ball.
I was so excited to pretend to be a hamster for a day. Who doesn’t want to be a hamster running around the house inside a plastic ball? I think that’s everyone’s dream as a child.
Long story short, I charged at the youngest, Maddie, with my ball and…
I fell.
I tumbled.
It was the most fun thing ever.
But I felt my hamstring do something weird.

I exited the ball. And that’s when the pain really set in.

So what did I do next?
I did what any sensible adult would do.
I walked with the kids for eight miles of adventure time.

Pasquale wasn’t happy. “You need to tell me these things!”
He meant the injury, not the ball. I sent him a photo right before I stepped foot inside the inflatable ball of fun and wonder over the weekend. He knew.
Listen, I would have told him my hamstring got hurt, but I thought it was inconsequential. It hurt on Friday. And I didn’t feel pain at all when I walked four miles before coming to my session!
…which probably added even more to the injury.
We did the babiest of baby things. No legs on leg day. I felt completely powerless. But then…
Ever since I started training, I had my eye on the ball. Literally. There are a row of black and grey ball things stacked up on this shelf in the corner.
Pasquale walked over and handed the ball to me.
It wasn’t a giant inflatable one that had the potential to injure my hamstring further. It was heavy. And served some sort of workout purpose.
“This is the best day of my life,” I said. I then lifted the ball above my head and back down. It was enough to make the workout slightly better.
I hope the hamstring feels better. Not sure I can take another workout feeling less than stellar.
Hoping for the best! Hamstring or no hamstring, I’m going to get it done next time around.
Session 19– Lethargy
September 7, 2017
I’m bummed guys. I’m super bummed.

My hamstring injury is still very much a thing and therefore, today’s workout was nothing but baby exercises. Again.
Okay, maybe they aren’t really baby exercises, but I’m not progressing. I’m sick of being static! I NEED TO MOVE. Starting to freak out!
I feel like I’m regressing.
I feel like such a wimp.
I simply want my hamstring
To please stop making me limp!
I did no cardio this week except for walking. I was really hoping the hamstring would be better by today, but nope. My hamstring is bruised and my muscles do feel lumpy bumpy. I guess I just need more ice and more time.
Well, on the plus side, as I walked from my incredibly far parking spot to the gym, I found two dollars with a leaf tucked neatly in the middle. I looked around to see if someone could have dropped it, but there was no one in sight. Picked it up and put it in my bag. Gonna have so much fun with that ca$h later. ($ee$ Get it? Two dollars? Two $$? Get it? Is this thing on?)
Pasquale made faces at me as I walked into the gym. This was literally our first session together where I actually had work (ya know, work with actual students) and headed straight for the gym from my job. I work about 40–45 minutes away so it’s a little bit of a trek. Not really a trek. Mini trek. Baby trek. It’s just that when you live in Bergen County, you’re just used to literally everything being 5–15 minutes away. (New York City, Garden State Plaza, Dairy Queen)
If you know me, you know I never wear makeup. (If you don’t know me, I never wear makeup.) I hate it. If I’m doing anything in real life, makeup is not on my face. That includes going to the gym. (But seriously, who wears makeup to the gym?!) Anyway, makeup is only a thing for special occasions like…
The first week of school.
So what does this mean? Today I had makeup on my face, my hair was down, my jewelry was on.
I. Was. A. Hot. Mess.
Pasquale handed me the foam roller and I got down on the floor. I glanced at my hands. Jewelry all over.
“Damn it!”
I ran back to my bag to tuck my rings and bracelets neatly into the pocket, right beside my two dollars and a leaf.
I think the trainer was entertained by my frustration and amusing antics.
“How’s the hammy?”
Not good, Pasquale. Not good.
I talked about my crazy day. He talked about his not crazy day. We did some work with the bands. Felt fine. All was normal. And then we headed to the treadmill…
“We’re walking today,” said Pasquale.
Damn it.
I was so mad. SO MAD.
But then I thought about my very first time running on the treadmill. I was so mad he made me run. Now I was mad he was telling me I couldn’t run.
What is this crazy alternate reality?
I walked on the treadmill and just felt like this whole day was going to be pointless. I just wasn’t feeling it for the following reasons:
- I had some stresses at work. Couldn’t get the garbage off my mind.
- I felt crappy because I couldn’t do any legit cardio on Tuesday or Wednesday.
- I felt crappy because I was walking on the treadmill instead of having a nice run.
So what did we do today? We did some rows and some weights. I had to do that shoulder hunch thing which I still don’t understand. I’m sure my arms appreciate all the extra work, but my legs were feeling a little envious.
We moved on to the metal doohickey thing. I had to pull the handle thing across my body? You know what I’m talking about? Too bad. Neither do I.
The entire session, Pasquale was making cracks. All sorts of comments. Totally used to it by now.
“You’re not yourself today,” he complained. He was almost whining. “What is wrong with you? Come on. I need you to be your usual determined, happy, enthusiastic self. I don’t know how to describe it. You’re…disheveled?”
I smirked. “I’m dishevlinda.”
He nodded in agreement. “You’re acting, what’s the word I’m looking for, you’re acting — ”
He just wouldn’t give it up! Yes, Pasquale. I get it. I was not acting like my normal amazing self. Even Linda Sees has her off days. At least I was totally on while at school.
“ — lethargic. That’s it. Lethargic.” He smiled knowing he now had a word to describe my current state.
“Lethargic?”
“Yeah. You’re lethargic. I guess I’m a little lethargic today, too. You’re in a state of…lethargy? Is that how you say it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You should know! You’re the writer. Wait. Let’s google it.”
The dude literally googled lethargy and proceeded to read every last bit of the definition, synonyms and antonyms included.

He paused every now and then to emphasize certain words that really described me. Sloth being one of them.
“And at the very bottom — oh look! There’s a picture of you. See Linda Sees.”
He said something about Mondays. I went on to quote the cinematic masterpiece Office Space.
“Never saw it,” he said. “Not much of a movie person.”
“I guess me neither,” I replied, “but I love Disney movies!”
I glanced over at a (pretend) sleeping Pasquale. He then shot his eyes open. “Sorry. I fell asleep.”
He was lethargic. Whatever. Disney movies are in a league of their own.
I ran over to check my phone. I do that from time to time to see how many calories I burned.
“Argh! I hate this!”
I only burned a little under 400 calories. No bueno. No bueno.
“Don’t look at the calories. You’re doing fine.”
We ended the session with a walk on the treadmill and stretching. So lame. Damn you, hammy! Damn you!
Thinking that I won’t be able to do actual cardio this weekend sucks.
I have but one hope and dream for Friday-Sunday. Well, two hopes and dreams.
1. To see a penguin waddling down Park Avenue in Rutherford because he escaped from the aquarium in Camden and I happen to be the person to find him and I bring him home and he swims in my turtle’s pool in the backyard.
2. For my hamstring to heal itself so I can kick major workout ass on Monday.

Steady state training? On weight training day?! Hyperventilating. (Now, I did accidentally forget to start the session on my app, so I probably burned over 500 calories. Hence, it says the session was only 56 minutes. Lies.)
Hope everyone has the happiest of happy weekends! Here’s hoping Monday’s Linda will be the antonym of lethargy.
Session 20– Vigor
September 11, 2017
Guess whose hamstring is feeling 10,000 times better today?

Do you see that almost skinny girl above? Yup! That girl has hamstrings that are ready to ham. it. up.
(Talking about hamstrings so much has really made me question how they came up with that name. Is it because at the butcher shops they hang the pigs’ legs up with strings? Near the back of the thigh? And then it’s like…a hamstring? Please let me know. I have no idea if this is common knowledge or simply a ridiculous thought.)
Anyway, today was the first full day of school. My whole routine has officially officially changed. This morning I had my amazing outfit already laid out on my chair. Ready. To. Go. I went with a lace top from the late 1950s and neatly tucked it into a long black pleated skirt. (If you know me, you know I wear a lot of vintage, mostly from the 1950s. If you don’t know me, well, vintage clothing really gives me street cred as a history teacher.) I removed my Louboutins from their box and corresponding red dust bag. Oh yeah. Perfect outfit. But then…
I heard my trainer’s ominous voice in my head:
No heels. Wear flats.
Argh! Damn it. The thing is, as much as this outfit called for heels, I needed to be sure my hamstring was ready for my session later in the day. I couldn’t do anything stupid. No climbing to the top of my cabinet. No climbing on top of my desk in hopes of emphasizing a point about Cornelius Vanderbilt. No dancing when a student says something smart. No nothing.
I decided to listen to that voice inside of my head which sounded much deeper than my own and exactly like Pasquale. I’d listen to him just this once and then never again.
I packed up my workout clothes — including my heart monitor — shoved a bunch of deodorant (for the elbow pits) and shirt options into my bag, and darted off to school.
New me. New routine.
School went well because I love the hundreds of children I see on a daily basis. Unfortunately for them (and — let’s be real — me), I can’t just sit in the classroom and hang out until 5pm anymore. Gotta lift those weights.
It took me about 45 minutes to make it to the gym from work. I had to pee so badly after drinking so much water throughout the day.
After peeing (and washing my hands thoroughly) it was onto the foam roller. Catching up on life happenings ensued. And new bands were given.
“Why is this one blue?” I questioned. Normally the band is yellow.
“More resistance.”
Hey. I dig it. Means I’m progressing. But that ish dug through my skin like a rubber band tightly wound around a Taco Bell Chalupa Supreme.

I started to head over to the treadmill, but Pasquale didn’t follow. I guessed that meant no treadmill because of my hamstring. I walked it off pretending I totally knew where I was going the whole time. Pretended I didn’t just walk in the wrong direction. No big deal.
“Let’s try the step-ups,” he said.
I was a bit apprehensive, but I also didn’t feel any pain in my hamstring whatsoever for the last couple of days. I stepped up and then back down.
Yes!
Didn’t last long though.
I moved on to the TRX, back to the step-ups, back to the TRX, etc. etc.
On the last set of step-ups, I started to feel my hamstring. Didn’t hurt. Just felt it doing something interesting.
“How’s the hammy?” he asked. Mindreader.
“Umm…it’s fine. I just feel it, but it doesn’t hurt. Probably normal.”
“Not normal. That’s the last one for you.”
So lame. But not lame! We moved on to some familiar movements and then some new ones.
One of the new movements was on this…thing. I hate describing new things. It was red and cushy and also had metal and rubber. You have to put your feet on the feet things and then bend over and then come back up, squeezing the butt cheeks once you get back in your original starting position.
I didn’t tell my trainer, but but I started feeling something behind my knee. Kind of hurt. Something might have been straining. I really hope I don’t regret that later.
Another new thing today? Lateral lunges using the TRX. (How bad ass and official does that sound?)
Pasquale demonstrated those lateral lunges properly and I followed his performance by doing them completely improperly. He’s a hard act to follow, I suppose.
I kept trying. And trying. I think I sorta got the hang of it. Problem was, by the time I went back to do another set, it was like learning the move all over again.
I can’t remember exactly what was said by my trainer, but it ended with, “…because you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“I know what I’m doing!” I assured him.
The second the word doing left my mouth, I fell to the side, clutching the TRX straps so I wouldn’t fall to the floor.
“Says the girl who almost fell doing a lateral lunge...”
He went on to explain why we do lateral lunges, what muscles are working, how many I was doing — blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda — I just had to concentrate on not falling again.

Finally, after a week-and-a-half hiatus, I was back on the pull-up machine. It’s actually a favorite of mine, ya know, it reminds me of an amusement park ride, etc. etc.
I started pulling up (as one does on the pull-up machine) and it felt incredibly heavy. Difficult to do. But I was determined. And I kept trying.
I did some other stuff and returned to the pull-up machine once more. I kept the heaviness factor in the back of my mind, determined to pull with every bit of strength I had.
I started to pull.
Wow.
I couldn’t believe how much lighter it felt! I was doing it with ease! I was the pull-up machine master. Could it be that the I willed myself to become stronger in just a matter of minutes?
I couldn’t contain my joy, but I just had to ensure this was in fact happening. “Did you make this lighter?” I asked Pasquale.
He shook his head and looked away. He was acting weird. Not uncommon for the dude to act weird, but his mannerisms were quite suspicious in this particular instance. “Did you make this lighter?” I asked again.
He looked up, to the side, and then turned his face, sucking air between his teeth as he did so.
Okay. Now I was feeling super bummed. Hopes and dreams most likely crushed. “Pasquale, did you make this — ”
He made a face indicative of he made it lighter and nodded.
“Damn it! Come on! I thought I got stronger! This is so unfair.”
He laughed. “I’m sorry! It’s at 85. You’re at 85.”
I felt like I was 85. Little old lady who couldn’t handle the pull-ups.
I moved on to the…metal-doohickey-thing machine. I was pulling on the handle attached to the weights.
Oh. This one felt heavier. Wait. Was I getting weaker?
“Did you make this heavier?” I questioned.
It was a simple answer this time. “Yes.”
Awesome. Some moments you feel like you’re 85. Some moments you feel like you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger. Experienced both at today’s session.
As the hour began to wind down, I was given a choice for the first time in my life. I got to choose what I ended the day with!
Pasquale stood in front of me. “Do you want to do conditioning or stretching? Entirely up to you.”
I tilted my mouth to the side and crinkled my brow. “I have no idea what to pick because I have no idea what conditioning entails.”
He made a I’m not going to tell you what it entails kind of face.
“It’s your choice,” he said.
“Okay but what does conditioning en — ”
“I don’t know. I guess you’re just going to have to pick conditioning to find out.”
Damn it. But of course I was going to pick the conditioning option. I hadn’t been legit working out in over a week. I had to up my game. I was ready for it.
I followed Pasquale as he approached the medicine ball rack. He carried the ball to the other room.
Oh my God. Could we possibly have reached this level? Was he really going to do what I thought he was going to do?
He glanced at me, placed the ball above his head, and slammed it to the ground.
OH MY GOD. We were! We were!
I jumped up and down and clapped. “This is the best day ever!” I exclaimed.
Back in the beginning of July, I saw a man picking up the ball and slamming it down. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
“What is he doing in there?” I wondered aloud.
“We can do that one day if you want,” Pasquale responded.
Well, today was the day. But it wasn’t only that. I had to plank a bunch of times, too. And that ball got heavy after a while. But I had a ball doing it! (No? A ball? Get it? Cause it’s a…ball? Is this thing on?)
What else was the ball used for? As I planked, Pasquale kicked the ball underneath me as if he were scoring a goal in soccer. Several times. Next level planking, apparently.
“Now you’re just making stuff up,” I said as I felt my spleen trying to emerge from my abdomen. “That can’t possibly have any fitness purpose.”
I could hear him laughing and saying something. But I have no idea what it really was because all I could do was concentrate on holding the damn plank. Argh, matey. I was a grumpy pirate.
Overall, today was an amazing, amazing, amazing session. I feel like Cher when she made her comeback in 1998 with the song “Believe”. I can’t believe I was injured for so long. (Not that long.) But you better believe I’m back and better than ever!

Session 21– Hips Don’t Lie
September 14, 2017
This is going to be a shorter post as I have so much work to do tonight. But my official 12-Week Review will be happening next week! (For real this time. Dead serious.) Can you believe it’s almost going to be 12 weeks since I started this shenanigans? Anyway, time for session 21!
Guess who forgot to take their workout selfie today? Hint: Her name rhymes with Minda Pees.

I might have to start taking these workout selfies in my classroom before leaving for my weight training. Kids might try to photobomb. I’ll have to be super stealthy after school.
Guess who had an injury of his own today? Hint: His name rhymes with Masquale (Insert Imaginary Last Name Here for Privacy Since I Never Got Last Name Clearance Though I’m Sure He Would Allow Me To Use It).
That’s right. Poor guy hurt himself. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I never posted on here, but the dude nearly trips over things at least 17 times a session. (I might be exaggerating. I am exaggerating.) Benches. Weights I just put down. Weights he just put down. Something was bound to happen eventually.
I guess the one positive thing was the fact I had a pre-workout stretching buddy! It was actually kind of cool because he taught me new stretches after foam rolling. Just in case, ya know, I pull my hip out or something. Don’t want to do that. The hips control everything, let you know when something is up. And those hips don’t lie.

After Monday’s amazing session, I was ready to get back on the treadmill for the first time in a couple of weeks. Thrilling! No. Like, I mean it this time. Old Linda would have been so happy skipping the treadmill for two weeks. New Linda was super bummed. Old Linda can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh. Cause she’s dead. (I HAD TO DO IT! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!)
Today I got to run at a decent pace, 5.0 to start, and felt great going into it. It reminded me of my run from the day before. I was running on the track at work when…
“I saw a fox!” I exclaimed to Pasquale. I did so with grand hand gestures. I immediately regretted that decision as my hands were a little too grand for the treadmill; I knocked the emergency cord thing out of its spot. Treadmill came to an immediate halt.
I held in my laughter and glanced over at my trainer.
He glared at me. “Is the fox really that big of a deal? Is seeing a fox really that big of a deal?!”
“I’m sorry. Sorry.” I tried to fix the treadmill, but he shooed away my hands. He set it back for an additional five minutes.
“Foxes attack, you know. The fox could have eaten you.”
He was joking. I wasn’t.
“Well that’s what I wasn’t sure of. I didn’t want to keep running towards it!”
But he was so cute. Or she. My boss said the fox had babies near the soccer field or something. Because yes. I told everyone about the fox. Everyone. It was an incredibly big deal.
After the treadmill, I knew that my legs were back in the game. We did some leg presses to start. I was a little rusty, but did okay.
We also did lunges where I had the bar for support. I started but — I don’t know — I felt like I could do it on my own. I started and…did it on my own without the bar.
Went on to do other stuff in the rotation, ya know, the usual. Lifting dumbbells above my head and clinking them together, even though I don’t necessarily have to. Face pulls. (Sounds worse than it is.) Exhilarating stuff, I can assure you. When I returned to the bar for lunges, I was feeling a bit fatigued. I placed my hands on the bar and Pasquale shook his head.
“Wait,” I said with a hint of realization. “So now that I proved I could do it without the bar, I’m never allowed to use the bar again?”
He nodded.
Damn it! There I go getting punished for showing off again.
The lunges were a pain. But I keep thinking about how amazing my glutes are going to look one day soon. I think lunges are a glutes thing.
Another exciting realization that occurred today was realizing that I am becoming the master of the Power Rangers doohickey-thing. (Listen, I don’t remember what it’s called and I cannot find it on Google. It’s the one where you hold on to the things and have to bring your knees up.)
When I first started with this particular machine, I could only pull my knees up four times per set. (It’s not really a machine. It’s just…there.) Today? We managed to get that up to fifteen times on the last set. Progress.

We ended the day with another treadmill run, 5.5 miles per hour this time. I have to admit, I was feeling incredibly exhausted. I knew I worked a lot harder today than in the previous sessions. Really happy the hamstring is better. Really happy. I feel like I can finally move on and continue to progress with my workouts.
As I ran on the treadmill, Pasquale casually sang the Linda song. I’m not sure if it’s a song which already exists or one he made up; I’m sure he made it up because it’s not particularly creative. I jest! I jest! Much better than the previous day when he sang spa music which sounded like it was something out of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
But the return of the Linda song is symbolic.
After a couple of weeks of being lax on the cardio, I will finally start to push myself once again. I’ll be more careful. I’ll try not to injure myself, obviously. I’ll up my game at the gym while away from my weight training.
I cannot afford to slow down now, especially when I am so close to achieving my goals.
Onward to WEEK TWELVE.
Session 22 & 23– Hips Don’t Lie
September 18 / 21, 2017


Sessions 24 & 25– Doing It Well
September 25 / 28, 2017

Session 26 & 27– Mahalo
October 5 / 9, 2017


Unfortunately, due to time constraints, I can no longer post my individual workouts. But feel free to check out my nine-month review!
