Traveling My Way

Meg, What are you doing? I’m thinking about going on a trip. (yay.) Actually, I’m booking it now; visiting a few places where I haven’t been or places I went with THB (The horrible boyfriend). THB!! I think Evan came up with that. Ha!

I can’t believe you don’t remember it! Don’t make me say his name.

Come on!

It starts with a P.

But it sounds like an F.

Phil.

You forgot Phil? Philip?

You called him the Philanderer? Even before we knew he was one?

And Charlotte called him Philistine? Or The Philistine? And Angus called him Filthy Phil?

Light brown hair with a little bald spot that got sunburned?

That stupid ring he wore on his right pinky?

I don’t know how you could possibly forget; it was like all of two years ago. And a little bit of March the year before.

Remember the dinner we had at Phillipe’s where he pretended he owned the restaurant and you kind of believed him and said you didn’t like the way he chewed his asparagus? You didn’t like the way he glared at that waiter? And remember that he wore a bow tie on a weeknight which you decided was inappropriate? I didn’t start dating him until July the next year. But you knew that. Wait! His sister Penny was in your dorm at Betty Ford. Yes, that Phil.

So what I’m trying to tell you is that I want to rewrite my European narrative and go to those places without THB and see them anew.

I’m going to Barcelona, Madrid, Rome, and Capri.

No, not alone.

I’m going with Uber.

Why are you laughing? I’m serious. Look, I know what I’m doing, and I can afford it. I’ve made all the plans already. And I didn’t have to twist anyone’s arm to stay where I want to stay, you know?

Uber will go wherever I want. Unlike Phil.

Uber will never ask me for money. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t fight with me over directions and then stop on the shoulder and say why don’t you drive if you’re so smart? Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t insist on an after-dinner cigar. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t tell me to lighten up on the wine. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t make me hurry when I want to shop. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t put me down when I can’t decide if I want to buy a pitcher or a carafe. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t insist on watching Formula 1 Racing on tv. Unlike Phil.

Uber knows where the locals eat. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t tell me my pants are too tight because I ate a pasta course in addition to the entree last night and didn’t need to order dessert. Unlike Phil.

Uber speaks Spanish fluently and won’t make fun of me for making an effort. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t point to his watch when I go to the flea market. Unlike Phil.

Uber won’t say he’s “busy texting his office.” Unlike Phil.

Meg, are you still there?