“Garden boots? I don’t see any garden boots.”

Unpleasant Task Cyborg & Other Products Pet Owners Need

  1. Unpleasant Task Cyborg: Lifelike cyborg that looks and sounds nothing like you to perform unpleasant tasks that leave your pets wondering, “Why is she so mean to me sometimes?” Tasks include nail trims, ear meds, baths, locking pets out of bedroom during sex, etc. Available in “Kelly” or “Dirk” model.
  2. CSI Poop: CSI Poop is able to determine if inappropriate elimination on your new rug is from “Cat,” “Other Cat” or “Dog.” For an additional fee, CSI Poop Premier will further determine if specimen was deposited for a medical reason or just spite.
  3. A sister service to the above, Who Broke That? can follow the trail to the broken lamp/chewed iPhone charger with the jaded tenacity of Philip Marlowe, minus the gin.
  4. PhotoPetshop: Through the wonders of technology, your pet can be made to look clean and eye-booger free in those super-cute pics you take when you’re supposed to be working from home, doing Kegels, or listening to your dad complain about liberals. Also can delete/add Significant Other (yours and/or pets) to photos as appropriate. At this point, we CANNOT offer thinner/younger modifications as applicable to pet owners. This is science, folks, not a fairy tale.
  5. Cloak of Near Invisibility: You won’t technically be invisible, but this useful tool will color-coordinate the pet hair that sticks to you based on the color of your clothes and your pet. Wearing black pants? Your white dog’s hair will slide off them like magic. It’s that easy.
  6. Coming Soon: Love Evaluator: answers that nagging question—beyond the shadow of a domesticated doubt—as to which family member your pet loves most. Never feel insecure again!