Hey Instagram: Here’s My Algorithm

Facebook, always one to drop changes to its platform on our asses, wanted to remind us that they own Instagram by throwing that nifty algorithm on the picture app. This will make the pictures they think you want to see the most, show up first.

Personally, I’m still adjusting to the fact that Instagram now shows the date when a photo was posted. I learned how to calculate when 73 weeks ago was in my head for nothing, but whatever.

So to give them a hand, I’ve already figured out my algorithm and it looks like this, in order of importance:

  • Obviously anyone and everyone I currently or have previously had a crush on, right up top. Priority.
  • Britney Spears. Her feed is refreshingly weird and random, but sometimes she posts pictures of her teaching a little girls’ dance class and it’s like, yes. This makes sense.
  • Delicious food pics. Like, the professional kind though, not the amateurs.
  • My crush’s sister, just in case he’s in one of her pics or comments on it or something.
  • Jiff! Jiff the Pomeranian is the cutest little dog and he wears hoodies.
  • Justin Bieber shirtless pics.
  • Oh, then my best friends.
  • National Geographic. I don’t award a heart for a ton of them, but I felt it was important to follow an account like that to balance out that Real Housewife that I followed.
  • The rest of Justin Bieber’s pics.
  • That girl from high school that really only posts pics of her kid. He’s a cute baby, sometimes.
  • Mindy Kaling, because I like to see her colorful outfits.
  • Inspirational quotes. Sometimes one of those suckers just hits you in the heart.
  • That friend of a friend. We were tagged in a picture together once and she followed me so I had to follow back, but it’s like, you live in Tennessee or something, so I don’t even really know what’s going on in your pictures or your life.
  • The rest of your less glamorous brunch pics. And not because I care about your pancakes, I just want to know who went to brunch and didn’t invite me.

I’m @LittleLeap. See you on Instagram, maybe.