It’s complicated

Because now I’m being more open, some things look worse when actually, they have improved.

Because hiding things for so long means they have become very confused.

Because weight ‘restoration’ (gain) = heightened anxiety. And that’s sometimes more visible than the calm (numbness) of restriction.

Because when you make progress in one area something pops up in another.

Because emerging from the fog that is anorexia means beginning to see the limitations it places upon you (and others). But you now see them as limitations, rather than active choices or ‘just how things are’.

Because wanting to go out for breakfast and eat a croissant and drink a coffee feels like a step too far, but not wanting to feels like missing out on life and the people I love.

Because higher weight and a bigger body = fresh awareness of so much stuff and so many feelings.

Because ‘allowing’ and ‘enough’ feel horribly indulgent, greedy and lazy and out of control.

Because you don’t know how it will stop or where the edges are.

Because eating feels much worse than restriction. Because I feel guilty and ashamed and judged for gaining weight. I still value thinness too much and I still want to lose weight.

Because not checking or hand washing and allowing others to cook and taking all the risks feels terrifyingly irresponsible.

Because more food and more weight feel ‘bad’ and contaminating. Sometimes the leave me wanting to crawl out of my skin.

Because being shut down/cut off/distressed and feels out of control, dramatic and visible.

Because feeling awful and ashamed = needing to get away and and not be seen, when what’s probably required is being with people.

Because of things still being unspoken and unheard. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.

Because in spite of this, I’m holding onto the knowledge that sometimes we have to feel worse in order to get better. At least at first.