I’m not okay
I am not okay. I feel nothing. I feel numb. I feel the need to hurt myself wether it be cutting, starving, running, or even punching. I just need to feel something. I cut myself 13 new lines on Monday 10/23/2017.
On December 1st, 2016 I locked my demons up in a cage. I locked that key in a steel safe which was then lugged over the edge of a cliff, hopefully never to be seen again. The rest of the month I cried. I cried so much that I created a new river in my world of darkness. Well I threw the key to the safe into the river. I walked away and forced myself to never look back to the tower that the cage is in.
You see, there was a time that Annek appeared to rule my entire world but only because I allowed him to literally do whatever he wanted. During this time, I would seek new friends. Annek would get jealous and try to control them or invite them to help him hurt me. When someone would resist, Annek would call up his buddy Depson. Depson’s only purpose was to push people away when I got close to someone. Depson was hired by Annek a lot. I had to teach myself not to care. I begged Annek to give me someone who could keep me entertained. That’s when he introduced me to another friend of his. Annek created Anna a long time ago. She was well-known for helping people feel better about themselves when they would skip a meal. People would invite her into their lives for reasons like just wanting to get some control into their life or hating the way that they look. What no one knew was that she was really controlling and abusive. She too worked with Depson.
Annek had one more friend he was dying for me to meet. Dallin. Dallin was quiet yet somehow so charming. There was something very intriguing and so addicting about his presence. He was like the Dark Lord that everyone was either very afraid of or loved dearly. Dallin was well known for making people believe that there is only one way to end misery. Everyone is afraid to talk about him, and everyone knows when he is present.
A few years had gone by and I lived like this. Eventually I finally had a therapist that was really good. I wrote about my day in a journal and used my demons names and created people in my mind. I figure that was better than visualizing dark shadows whispering to me all the time and controlling everything I wanted to do. These demons got stronger and fought harder until I stepped back and physically told them to back off. Soon after, I locked them in that cage.
A year has passed. I have missed Annek. Sometimes I remind myself of the spine shivering sensation he provided as I open up just the tiniest bit of skin and created ultra small pink lines. I am reminded of the sting as I gently run my fingers across those tiny speed bumps that are on my left wrist. I admire how ill my wrists look in the sunlight as I drive home in the cold weather with my arm hanging out the window so I can see those cuts, scratches or scars in the side view mirror.
I recently stumbled across the previously mentioned safe. Oddly enough, the key to it was perfectly placed in the keyhole. I turned the key, my whole body was filling with excitement. The same excitement you get when you’re opening a time capsule you burried when you were 12 for that seventh grade project. I pulled the key for the cage out of the safe. Now? Now I am numb. I walk mindlessly to the tower. I climb up the long and steep stairs. I am quietly approaching the cage. No one knows I am here. Everyone is pacing the cage, wreaking of insanity. Shrieking and sobbing with angry broken hearts. I silently unlocked the cage but left the door closed. They don’t know I’m here. I am sitting on a chair in the darkest corner of the room, waiting for them to notice that the cage is unlocked. I’m waiting for my demons to notice and remember me.
I have a toxic relationship with my mind and all my demons. I am so addicted to this childish game of self-inflicted pain. It’s been too quiet for too long.
Here’s the kicker. I don’t care. I don’t care if the demons get out and swallow me whole, I don’t care if they never notice. I don’t care if I lose my job, I don’t care if I keep it. I don’t care if I ever talk to another human again, I don’t care if I do. I don’t care about anything. I am numb. And I just don’t care.