Opening up about my anxiety

Alize Malik
Aug 25, 2017 · 3 min read

So I’ve been anxious for the past few days, its been over a week actually. The thing with my anxiety is that it gets triggered by something out of the blue and then im stuck like a fly in a spider’s web.

Its so hard to get out.

And what’s worse is that it makes me do things that are so unlike me. I lie compulsively, as if im scared, if I tell the truth its going to hurt me somehow. No one must know what im doing because I have this constant fear of getting into trouble so even the smallest thing like why didn’t you make your bed alize I’d just get worried and scared and I’ll lie, I did make my bed someone messed it up again. its little things like that.

And its so obvious because im such a bad liar, you can see right through me if I lie because you can actually see me making up the stuff im saying.

Its not like me to lie like that and I surprise myself when im blindly just talking over myself and my heart is racing and I just want to get out! I try to steer clear of people who might ask me questions or make me feel insecure. Because i am going to panic. And lie about it anyway.

Another thing, which is SO UNLIKE ME, I can not begin to tell you how embarrassed I am confessing this here but I feel like it’s a sort of an accountability thing. I admit its wrong and I would never ever normally do this, anyone who knows me knows that.

So heres what happened,

I was scrolling through pinterest or whatever just on my bed like normal and then I just get up. No feelings, no emotions, numbly walk into the kitchen, (shit, its hard writing this) grab a knife, sneak into my room and quickly cut myself really fast on the wrist (I AM NOT SUICIDAL I SWEAR. Even at the time I knew I wasn’t planning on like dying or something I was just, I dunno).

And its just the way I did it you know, I just snuck out of my room and then did it really fast as if I was scared someone would find out what im doing (because I know its wrong) but there was this urge and it calmed me down somehow, I was relieved in a way.

And as soon as I was done, I looked at my wrist and I hated myself. It was like a switched was turned on and I was like what did I just do, why did I do it. (!!!!)

And I just panicked because that was so unlike me, I felt like such a loser, I felt so bad. And confused. I was and still am scared because in that moment I calmed down, I was peaceful as soon as I was done doing it. And that’s scary because what if I want to do it again. I am not a self harmer. (is that a word?) Im so strong and this was such a cowardly, stupid thing to do.

Its been a few days since that happened, I’ve had supportive friends trying to help me through it and I am an intelligent human, I try to observe my behavior very carefully so I know my symptoms. I know what situation will make me anxious so I try to stay away from people or things that might lead to something like that..

If somebody yells at me or talks in a loud kinda tone

If somebody asks too many personal questions and cross questions me as if they're trying to find out something im hiding (and I usually am)

If I am alone at home

If im in a crowd without someone familiar

Death, or pictures of dead people.

Blood, looking at raw meat, touching meat. JUST NO.

These are a few things that really really trigger me. Anyway.

Im kinda scared of publishing this here because its kind of a hard subject to talk about. But I’ve heard that the things that make you uncomfortable are the things that really need to be said. Sometimes those things aren’t the most relatable or trendy things to talk about. They don’t make anyone happy, they don’t make you happy. But you need to let them out. So here I am, letting it out.

If you have any helpful things to say to me, feel free. ❤
Thank you for reading this.
Lots of love, Alize.
8/23/2017

)

Alize Malik

Written by

Words are,in my not so humble opinion,our most inexhaustible source of magic! Welcome to my blog where i attempt to play with words in hope of inspiring someone

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade