I knew I was in over my head when I could no longer see the sun. The waters of depression made me so soluble, despite my body & mind reacting to the ever-increasing water pressure. This has never been the way that I wanted to die, drowning in a pool that I all by helped fill up. I wasn’t responsible for the running water, but I remained idly by the hose & never lifted a finger.
“save my soul.”
I had become adept at holding my breath when anyone came near, slowly forgetting how to breath in the process. I held on to anything that I encountered, at the expense of my own emotional & physical freedom. In the pool I sat, both arms & heart full of misery, holding back tears for fear of contributing more to my demise.
my friends’ successes gave me anxiety. My lack thereof was the real issue, more than their amazing accomplishments. Their confidence begged for my company in a way that was more fund-raiser than politicking, but all I had to offer from these pockets were an abundance of insecurity & self-doubt. hence, my position in the pool. I was also unaware of the stench of ego that I carried. feeling that I deserved more, was worthy of better. nobody likes their egos bruised & spoiling; they seem to taste better untouchable & ripe.
I’m tired of being soaked in depression, knowing that staying high & dry is an uphill climb and nobody can do the legwork for me. I’m tired of not feeling like I’m at least trying to make a difference, even if my efforts amount to nothing more than a tree falling with no one around. it’s time I stopped wallowing in sorrows & stood up. for me. I’ve got no time to drown.