God's Original Prototype; too weird to live, too rare to die
Hello. Andrew O’Connor here, Saint Joseph’s University student and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making TOO MUCH NOISE all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid. There is! Kitten Mittens! Finally there’s an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats! I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in between? That doesn’t matter ‘cuz one size fits all! Kitten Mittens, you’ll be smitten. So come on down to COM 201. We’re the home of the original Kitten Mittens. Meee-owww! I’m so confident in the usefulness of these kitten mittens I took to Tinder to sell this wonderful product to various people and here are some testimonials from them.
To elicit these responses, my methods were very simple. I used my existing Tinder account, linked to my actual Facebook, and started “swiping right” on every single person. I set my discovery preferences to be as broad as possible, accpeting profiles from boths males and females, ages 18–50+, within a 100 mile radius. I figured the more people I connect with the better chance I have at selling kitten mittens. Once I matched with a person, I then proceeded to send a message of “Hey”. I was always the first to initiate conversation and most people responded within 20 minutes. I went through the typical conversation topics of “what’s up” and “how’s it going” before I began to start asking questions. I always tried to bait them into the conversation first by hinting that I have a cat, or asking if they have a cat, or, in some cases, even more bluntly just striaght up asked if they liked cats. Regardless of their response, I would then begin to try and talk up my product and just kept trying to sell it until they stopped responding.
She Got the Reference
I should have known that I was going to be called out eventually and it happened on my first attempt to sell kitten mittens. I stole the product idea of kitten mittens from the television show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and, as it turns out, the first girl I try to sell kitten mittens to is a big fan
of said show. I attempted to pretend that I had no idea what she was talking about when she called me out on it, but she was not buying it. She played along up until she stopped responding though.
“OMG you’re so cute!”
I will start with a personal favorite of mine, which was the flirty homosexual man I came across. I knew the risks of setting my preferences to both male and female when I did it, but I was still not prepared for this level of flirtatiousness. This guy was desperate for love and didn’t care that I was a complete weirdo. At no point did I break my salesman character and at no point did this guy stop flirting. It was quite impressive. I tried to convince him that not only were all of his allergies all mental, but that he should move outside and he just played along with
everything I had to say. I put out my best attempt at a sales pitch and he would just respond with “OMG” or some synonym of adorable.
She was my most boring subject. I don’t think I even want her to have a pair of kitten mittens after talking to her. We went through the typical “heys” and “what’s ups” and then I immediately went for the sale, but she was not having any of it. She was gone at the first mention of kitten mittens. I was ignored and a half. My messages went out minutes after hers, but she clearly was done with me as soon as I brought up kitten mittens.
“I’ve Made A Lot of Mistakes”
This guy was not having any of my shit. I don’t think I’ve met a more blunt individual in my life. This was by far my shortest interaction by it was far and away my most memorable one. Even before he could have possibly known it was a joke, he was put-offish and it only escalated as I got weirder. I was very blunt and straightforward about my intentions to be fair, but he did not seem to be amused by any of it. This poor guy was probably just trying to meet a nice, new guy and here I am ruining his entire night. It’s as if he knew I was trouble as soon as I started the conversation. The interaction ended with my favorite line from any of my “victims” which was: “I’ve made lots of mistakes not buying kitten mittens I think would be low on the list.” While he certainly was not the cheeriest person, I give him the award as my most clever test subject.
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