Relationships gone bad

Many of us are excited when we meet someone who we begin to fall in love with. We enjoy the newness, the romance, the intimacy of being with someone. Often at the beginning, things go wonderfully because we are just getting to know each other. There are no expectations, few criticisms and lots of fun.

However as time goes on in some cases, the dynamic begins to shift. One partner may begin to express some snappiness at the other, or maybe one partner begins to get upset often. They may get upset at the behavior of the partner, perhaps for doing things that she used to before the couple became more official. Often one of the first negative reactions that begins to surface is that of jealousy. It may begin as a request for the person to not interact with any ex partners, which can be reasonable. But this may begin to apply even with anyone who seems to be interested or attracted to one partner, and here is where the perspectives may begin to clash.

This request may grow to extend one partners friends, even their family, if one partner doesn’t like them. It can be presented as a matter of quality time, partner 1 wants to see partner 2 more often and begins to feel upset when partner 2 is socializing with others.

Partner 1 may begin to express his or her frustration or disappointment primarily as anger. Partner 1 may begin to react and express themselves strongly to what partner 2 is doing, perhaps at a level which feels excessive to partner 2. Yelling, name calling and accusations may appear at this point. Partner 1 may feel personally hurt by partner 2s going out with other people, and may get so upset that it ruins partner 2s plans by taking up time, or partner 2 decides not to go so as to calm down their significant other.

The insults, shouting and suspicions however may begin to appear in other contexts. As the couple becomes more defined, partner 1 may begin to open up more and when they feel vulnerable, they may begin to become protective. They may begin to have trouble trusting partner 2 because they feel afraid of abandonment or betrayal. Maybe partner 1 has had an experience of these in the past and thus has a build up of pain, anger and sadness when they even consider the possibility of partner 2 doing that to them also. Then again they may not be aware of this and just react with a disproportionate amount of emotion to partner 2 doing something small and usually acceptable within a relationship.

Partner 2 may begin to change their behavior so as to avoid upsetting partner 1. They may feel exasperated trying to prove their loyalty and trustworthiness but it doesn’t seem to console partner 1. So in order to prevent a negative fighting experience, partner 2 stops doing what partner 1 gets upset about. This may begin to appear as a type of withdrawal from their usual social behavior. Perhaps their friends comment on it but partner 2, kind of disappointed and confused also about this change, may justify it by explaining just how important their new partner is to them.

The partners are now spending more time together and often have some really special and deep moments of love. Their sexual connection may be particularly exciting and passionate. They may share some lovely quiet moments together sharing meals or going on dates or just cuddling together. When partner 1 is not upset, the two may get along splendidly and the relationship could even begin to move quickly towards a more serious level. Partner 1 may give sweet gifts and the two may begin to dream about a future together.

Then one day partner 2 comes home and partner 1 begins to hurl accusations of infidelity or lying. Partner 1s expression may be so loud and so hate filled that it deeply hurts partner 2 and they go from shock to confusion to sadness. Partner 1 may make some hurtful cruel comments to partner 2, perhaps about areas they know there is a vulnerability of insecurity. Partner 2 is emotionally raw and becomes exhausted trying to convince partner 1 that nothing is wrong. Partner 1 may calm down and apologize profusely, they may even break down and expose their vulnerability and explain that they just care so much about partner 2 they are scared of being deceived. Partner 2 may end up consoling partner 1, forgetting their own pain and anger, and agree to change their behavior again to assuage partner 1's doubts.

The key red flags to notice in this situation are as follows:

A disproportionate reaction of negative emotion to a objectively small transgression or normally accepted behavior of one partner.

One partner beginning to change their behavior to avoid an outburst from their partner.

When partner 1 is upset not only do they express their feelings about the particular situation but they also aim to hurt their partner emotionally, going for partner 2s weak spot.

Change in social interaction by one partner, and yet them justifying this to their friends as acceptable or even desired.

Partner 2 consoling and feeling compassion for what partner 1 has been through and wanting to help them heal.

Partner 2 not expressing their own anger or their side of the story getting to be heard.

This cycle repeating itself more frequently.

If you think you or someone you know is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship dont hesitate to reach out to schedule a professional session to discuss how to deal with this situation. lollybehealing@gmail.com

The national Domestic Violence Hotline is 1–800–799–7233

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