A Temporary Happiness

How do you measure happiness? Which units and what formula do you use, when someone asks if you're generally happy?

The happiness gauge lies on a spectrum that varies in size and color. There are different colors for everything: bank account, income, sex, ambitions, careers, relationships... And it goes on and on. In a world where money can get you anything physical, it is not surprising - no matter how much denial there is, no matter how perfect you pretend to be, to prove that the happiness of many is highly related to their materialistic possessions. You can shove the phrase 'money can't buy happiness' on all your social media profiles, but truth is, when you can buy your ambitions and goals and emotional satisfaction, then money can at least facilitate your happiness. And so, I will exclude financial statuses henceforth as it actually always lingers.

Freedom. Freedom and independence is my personal gauge of happiness. Everyday, while at work, I look forward to nightfall, when I can be home alone again, wasting my time however I feel like. That is my ambition. I can always hear it breathing, waiting for me, in the very near future. Don’t get me wrong, my horizons are infinite and invisible, but they prosper and widen in a different realm than yours. You might call me a master procrastinator. A waste of breath. I am merely a traveller passing through this world into another. I don’t want anything from you, and I wish that you’d ask me for nothing while I peacefully make my way through.

Nonetheless, I still fall in love, everyday, and I won't stop falling. I fall in love everyday! I fall in love with the girl with earphones, as she gently skips her way by my window every evening back from work. I fall in love with beautiful people I occasionally chat with, but never met and probably never will. I fall in love with the exhausted nice waitress trying to please a crowd of grumpy demanding customers without empathy. I fall in love with the simple girl who feels out of place in an overdressed environment, as she tries her best to wear an unnoticed charming smile. I fall in love with sad people after losing a loved one or looking for a loved one. I fall in love with the stupid dog next door who's willing to play with anyone. I fall in love with you. And it hurts.

Do you realize how hard this could be? When you are expecting, you will be disappointed. And so I learnt to live with none. There are monsters everywhere trying to steal away my solitary freedom. They mostly come in the form of rotten commitments and they linger and stalk and wait for a chance to jump you and shackle you down in the town square. At the same time when I am craving for emotional connections, with creatures that don't exist, and bonds - euphoric connections that grant you freedom and mental satisfactions - I am always running away from the opposites. From family that failed at the basics of being family. From lovers who turned into zombies when I tried to pour my love into them.

Duality, I am. I love them for as long as I am not caught and discovered by them. I badly want to be around them, and touch their eyes and kiss their hearts, for just a brief period of time, and when I tell them how beautiful they are, I want to escape through the ocean with Moses.

It splits me in half. But tonight, in this tiny room where I live alone with naked ghosts, and towering pages of great people, and silly digital distractions that keep me from avoiding the catastrophe of catastrophes that's knocking on my door, I am free. Tonight, for as long as I don't look down into the deep well of professional failure, or up at the great black raven of depression who's eager to sink its beak in my flesh again, or back to a legendary history of guilt and regrets and abused chances, I am happy.

Tomorrow is a different world.