GET RICH OR DIE HARD
We open in the new “White House of New York,” Trump Tower. In the penthouse, First Lady Melania Trump prepares to kick off her new anti-bullying campaign, Only The Trumps May Bully (Tweet with the hashtag #BullyingIsJustForMyHusband). Among the notable celebrity guests: Clint Eastwood, Ted Nugent, Scott Baio and the glamorous film star Demi Moore.
Several floors below, in his suite, actor Bruce Willis debates whether or not he has to venture upstairs, say his hellos and play the gracious neighbor. (Naturally, he’d prefer to just stay home and nurse this hangover.)
CUT TO: A team of elite European commandos, in a whirl of activity, blasts their way into Trump Tower, taking out all the Secret Service on site and locking the entire building down. A recorded message is sent from their ringleader (Michael Fassbender) to the Secret Service, FBI and New York City Police Department. Until President Trump releases his tax records… they will kill one hostage every hour. To show they are serious, Scott Baio is brutally murdered.
Various NYPD captains and hostage negotiators arrive on scene. One of them, a recent recruit who, throughout the 1980s and ’90s was a popular character actor, maybe best known for his role on TV’s “Family Matters,” has an idea… One of Trump Tower’s most famous and iconic residents may still be alive in there, and our only way of knowing what’s really happening inside Trump Tower. He is Reginald VelJohnson, and he places a call to an old co-star he hasn’t seen in many years…
Using techniques learned over the course of filming 5 “Die Hard” movies of varying quality, Willis works his way through the various levels of Trump Tower, killing terrorists as he comes across them, getting increasingly pummeled.
(At one point, he 0pens a freezer door, pulls out an icicle and jams it into a guy’s skull, for example. Also, he has to jump a car into a helicopter. We’ll figure it out on the day.)
Eventually, he discovers that the plan has nothing to do with tax records at all.
In fact, President Trump has been hiding some of his wealth from the IRS in the form of $640 million in unregistered bearer bonds. The whole thing is secretly a heist!
Despite Fassbender’s ability to do a really solid American accent, Willis manages to throw him out of the top of Trump Tower before spectacularly rescuing his ex-wife Demi Moore (see what I did there?) and Melania Trump, moments before the entire top of Trump Tower is engulfed in a massive fireball.
President Trump honors Bruce Willis in a White House (DC version) ceremony. He never releases his tax returns.