I’m Sorry I’m Late But I Had To Blow The Guy Who Held The Door Open For Me At The Bank

I’m sorry that I’m late. I ran to the bank before work, and a man held the door open for me, and as etiquette dictates, I had to immediately orally stimulate him.

I know what you’re going to say, “Janeane, this is like traffic, you have to set aside extra time for this”. And I usually do! Just the other week I left 15 minutes early to meet my friend Anna for lunch, and what do you know, just as I’m walking into the cafe a young man in a tank top held the door open for me. The next thing I know I’m servicing him in the alley until he filled my mouth with his knowledge seed.

Please don’t consider this a complaint. I am of course, as all women are, immensely grateful to all men for the services that they provide us. My weak salad-fueled body doesn’t have the strength to open any door that doesn’t open automatically, and even that is a mentally taxing exercise.

Today, however, was just one of those days, you know? I’m sure even Mother Theresa had a day where she forgot her solemn oath to attend to the sexual needs of every man who offered her a seat on the bus. I never claimed I was perfect. We all slip up now and then.

Between my strip ballet classes, my Sunday Greek orzo salad meal prep, and maintaining my thigh gap I sometimes forget about setting aside the time to sexually service the hundreds of men who make my life incrementally better.

I am, as you know, very old-fashioned. As my mother taught me, every night before I go to bed I pray that my future husband has never known a day without sexual satisfaction. Whoever he is and where ever he is I hope he never has to know the pain of telling a woman on the street that she has a sweet ass and not receiving his proper reward.

Some days I weep knowing that any man, from the lowliest shop-keeper to the most skin wearing mass murderer, has ever known a day without the hot complying mouth of a female.

Society only asks one thing of us: complete and total sexual compliance. It’s not that it’s really that much of an inconvenience. In the whole span of my life I’m only blowing men for about 45% of it.

So, I’m sorry I was late today, but I was performing my civic duty.