What people do not understand about favors?

The art of favors is one that very few have mastered. It is a topic so well avoided that many people did not even analyze what is their approach towards it. This gives an even bigger competitive advantage to the privileged who have been visiting the favor dojo. It is rare because it is complicated on many levels and so powerful that it can turn negotiations around, build or destroy friendships and partnerships within the blink of an eye.

What is to owe someone? Nowadays usually just an expression, which implies that next time you will buy the drinks. However, most of us are aware that this is unlikely to actually happen. Forgetting that you owe someone is one of the most popular ways to escape that unpleasant feeling. Others react to it unconsciously by always feeling stressed that they need to return a favor and end up frustrated because they can not deny anything asked of them by those whom they owe to.

I clearly remember an episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon is furious with Penny for getting him a Christmas present and thus obliging him to buy her a present. His logic is that people could not know the price of the thing they will get and someone will always feel the debt until one of them dies and they could never be even. Although a hilarious exaggeration, this clearly paints the picture of what the feeling to owe someone could do to a person.

It all starts from one single point. I consider it a human bug as it does not exist anywhere else in nature and it is the unconscious expectation. The expectation that you deserve something — an attitude, a salary, certain lifestyle or social status, etc. We are quite often offended by not getting what we think we deserve, disappointed on an unconscious level and unhappy as a result. Once we embrace a reality where no one owes us anything and everything we get on top of this is a rare and amazing present will allow us to focus on the good things that happen instead of the bad. This is the first step towards mastering the art of favors. It is also the first step towards many other fascinating mindsets, but I will leave them for another piece.

Once we are free of the restricting assumption that we deserve something, it is possible to think about what a favor really is. Usually, when we ask a favor, we want someone to do something for us without anything for himself, as a present. Here comes the first problem. Presents are not meant to be asked. They are given, not requested. This is the reason that most people are often uncomfortable to ask favors. Moreover, we are not happy when someone asks us for a favor and we are always hesitant when we hear ‘may I ask you a favor’. However, we are functioning better as a specie when we work together — as a family, as a team or a political alliance. So we need to cooperate, we need someone to do something for us that we can not.

The secret again lies in conceptualization. Favors are not presents. They are not meant to be collected and returned. The fact that very few of us think about them like this, allows others to accumulate plenty of return favors they may use whenever they want. So how not to fall in the trap? It is easy — before you ask a favor, firstly think of it from as many angles you can. Ask yourself the following questions — how important is this thing to you?; why you can not do it yourself?; what will it cost the person you ask for a favor?; what is important for this person?; what could you ever do for this person that may be valuable to him/her? . After you have answered these questions, think how you could frame the favor as a suggestion for a collaboration. Find something that may be in for the other person. This will eliminate the feeling that you owe him/her and they will not be so hesitant to help if the suggestion sounds like a collaboration offer. Moreover, applying this thought filter will dramatically reduce the favors you ask, because in most cases you will find out that you could actually do the thing yourself.

Another mistake that people make is to maintain a relationship with someone just because he or she could do them a favor. Such approach is counter-productive, as we can all sense when someone is being fake with us and this makes us even more hesitant to help them. If this is the case, it is better to not ask a favor at all. If you are not close with people, who you think might be useful for you, it is a good idea to start a conversation unrelated to what you think they could do for you. Firstly, establish a purely human relationship, see how you connect and give them a chance to become a more important part of your life. Even though this may not happen, when the time comes to ask them to do something for you, it would be easier to communicate. In combination with the collaboration approach, it will make it seem like it is not a favor at all and despite the answer will eliminate the bitter feeling for both sides afterward. Although it may seem quite obvious, it is hard to be applied in reality. At first, it will not come out naturally, but when it does, it will be worth the effort.

This approach will be useful not only in the favor scenario but will help you develop a stronger and more aware personality through a self-understanding process. Others will also feel that you value their time, appreciate their help and you do not take them for granted. This a healthy communication basis for future contact, whether it is a friendly, romantic or business relationship.

Loreta Bahchevanova

Having as many points of view as possible is being wealthy.

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