On satisfying singledom: What I still need
New York magazine is just the latest to confirm the awesome power of single women in our nation. I find myself often in the position of an ambassador for singledom — encouraging young women to embrace their freedom and put aside concerns about marriage.
I routinely champion the power in self-determination, and enjoy the gifts of being single. But as I embrace my 40s, I notice that there are some things that I need to make this single life not only bearable, but joyful and fulfilling. Below are qualities of life that I, as a proud spinster, cannot live without:
- Intimacy. Too often, singledom is synonymous with loneliness, and the absence of closeness and physical touch. What I know about my own happiness is that I’m a hugger — a snuggler. And when a heteronormative make-out session is not possible, I have come to rely on my best friends (male and female) for hugs, kisses and sharing a blanket in front of a good movie. Intimacy isn’t synonymous with sexuality. Human connection is a necessary nutrient of the human condition. I am so fortunate to have friends who never hesitate to say, “I love you.” To give a kiss on the cheek and a big bear hug. Snuggling up on a couch with a warm blanket fixes many ills. Make sure you have that.
2. Nurturing. One of the losses single people often mourn is parenting. Realizing that I could adopt children or become a foster parent was a wonderful relief to me, as I came to realize that the Perfect Father hadn’t come into my world, and that I wasn’t willing to take on the risks of an over-40 pregnancy. So mothering human children is still an option I consider. But even if I never decide to take on that awesome responsibility, I find that I have to have an outlet for my nurturing side. At the lower end of the mothering spectrum are my dogs — little furry creatures who need to be fed, loved and attended to several times a day. But I also get so much joy out of nurturing my friends’ children. I’m known as “Auntie ’Ori” to the under-5 kids in my world. I love getting down on the floor and playing with them, reading them stories and shopping for the perfect outfits and toys for them. And when I’m not catering to little ones, their parents give me lots of opportunities to advise, soothe, listen and care. My friends allow me so many ways to express love and concern — an essential part of my self that needs an outlet.
3. Purpose. One of the traps single people fall into is believing that without a partner and children, they will not have a legacy. If your job is just a job, and your free time just for fun, you’re probably missing something. Giving my time and talents to something bigger than myself — to something I believe in — is essential to my own satisfaction. In fact, one of the real advantages of being single is that I am able to dedicate time to groups who need volunteers, and to family and friends who need a helping hand from time to time. I run errands, babysit, volunteer and organize. When my earthly time is done, I believe my efforts will have made a difference to some people.
4. Partnership. I spend ZERO time asking anyone to pick up his socks. Or to take out the trash. I spend no time at all visiting someone else’s parents or attending their work functions or arguing about how to spend money. But even with that type of connectedness to another person, I have many partners in my life. I have partners in my job, who collaborate and inspire me. I have partners in my spiritual life, who walk my faith journey with me. I have partners in my personal life, who keep me focused on my goals, whom I can lean on when my strength falters. I have people who are available to me at 3 a.m. if I need them. In times of heartache and tragedy, I have people who hurt WITH me, not just for me. These are the same people I count among my intimates — people who share the qualities I most value, and whose hugs and cuddles sustain me and bring me peace.
Don’t let the lack of a romantic partner rob you of any of these beautiful aspects of life. You don’t have to be coupled to find intimacy, nurturing, purpose and partnership — nutrients everyone needs to thrive. Seize them for yourself.
