It was the first time I hyperventilated. I woke myself up gasping for air. Thinking about our first dates. Short, ragged and uncontrolled breaths pumped and collapsed my chest rapidly. Our first kiss. It sounded like a dying animal or sound effects from a horror movie. I was conscious and aware, unable to control the small amounts of air coming in and out of my mouth. About our first time sleeping together, and today might be the last. My eyes were swollen to the max from crying and my nose so congested I can actually feel it at the back of my throat. Like, every time I tried to breathe in through my nose, I gagged. I knew I wasn’t getting air, and strangely yet, I felt at peace with it. With the most hectic moments, I found some comfort in the helplessness. For one, he was looking at me and caring for me for the first time that night. He wasn’t looking at me with disgust. I’m writing this now as the memory still tugs hard at my heart. I want to but I don’t cry. I’ve run out of tears I think.
I cried because I hurt him in a way that I immaturely thought was excusable. And it came back pounding it in my conscience and heart. It's not like I kissed another guy or wanted anything physical that compares to cheating. But the fact that I covered things up was enough to hurt him.
Let’s get to the actual point here... I now understand the ultimate question is not who’s right and who’s wrong. Should we stay together or really break up?
After thinking about this way too much, I truly believe there is no wrong path. It’s one of those times you just have to go with your gut feeling and stick with it. I think happiness is mostly made up. The trichotomy of 1. materialistic things, 2. how you perceive situations, and 3. a little bit of randomness fully constitutes happiness.
Let’s start with the most stable component: Randomness. It is completely and consistently out of our control. And something you just accept. So.. accept it and know that no matter how well you plan, something will always go wrong, but it will never be unrecoverable.
Next, how you perceive situations is an attitude. It’s being positive and finding happiness in small things.
Lastly, materialistic things are money and the essentials that you rate essential in life. The kind of lifestyle you want to lead.
This is the one that I have the most trouble with. I want to live fabulously lol. I want things. I want nice things and expensive things and I want to work for it. I don’t expect anything to fall from the skies, but I have high ambitions on achieving this type of lifestyle. So how do I get there and do I need to find someone with the same vision?
Can you offer me some relationship advice?
What’s the worst you’ve gone through and how did you get through it?
I don’t want someone I can live with. I want someone I can’t live without. Is that too much to ask? Is that a stupid, fanciful thing to ask?
Am I just part of the unsatisfiable generation and I should find happiness in the current state?
Should we stay together or what?