Sticks and stones will break my bones and your words do hurt me!
I am educated, funny, beautiful and popular…….. YET! I still managed to end up: A single mother of one, who spent eight years in a relationship with a man who made her deeply unhappy!
I spent the last 3 years getting over that previous relationship, I’ve gone through an assortment of emotions; resentment, hatred, self pity and hurt (to name a few)…….even how nice it would be to watch his face melting.
(Yes, I know crazy) This guy was a total bastard towards me….and im angry at myself now for ‘letting’ him do that. His words slowly destroyed me and my sense of self worth. I really started to believe that I was a piece of shit and that I was lucky to be with him. It started to erode my confidence when he repeatly told me that he could do better. That i was ‘lucky to be with him’ ….’I would never achieve anything in life’…..a rotation of these sayings and never a compliment, support or love.
I asked him once if we could get a TV in our home and he flew off the handle, annoucing that if I ever asked for such a thing again the relationship would be over! I STUPIDLY panicked at the idea of upsetting him and loosing his love. So never asked to put one in the house again, It didnt seem fair as he was so pasionatly against it and I wasnt that bothered about watching one…..just thought it would be nice, when he went away on business.
When we had sex (although he called it making love) He would fuck me so hard that I once cried and he didnt even notice. Sometimes he would make me look him in the eye when I was cumming, and I would fake it just so that it would end. Constantly controlling me ….caging me up like a bird.
I am starting therepy on the 2nd December to work out and get clairfication on how I could have made such a huge mistake and fall in love (OR become dependent) with a man that constantly told me I was below standard and that he could do better …….YET! hes still single and also 45 years old, I dont see any replacement.
I have no family and although my friends see me as happy, successful and content I'm actially yearning for LOVE. Just to feel the warmth of a pair of hairy arms wrapped around my delicate frame, for him to kiss my head and stroke my hair ….feels like an unobtainable dream sometimes. Im so scared of letting the wrong man in again, But i will love him forever when he comes.
Recently I knew I was ready to move on when I looked at my ex and saw him as a pathetic controlling little boy, roaming earth disguised as a man. His controlling aspects of his personality now looking like a child having a tantrum.
I no longer wished we could be back together that we could be the perfect family. I know now it wasn’t my fault it fell apart. That I will be with an amazing guy …..I just have to be out there looking for him!
So why 3 years being single? Well, I work from home and find it really difficult meeting new guys as I’m either sat at my desk at home or picking my son up from school! But im determined not to stay a single mum. I want that great guy in my life, I want a family not just a child on my own. The thought of those big arms wrapped arround me at night, to sleep on his chest and to love someone again seems like a dream, but im going to work hard to make it a reality.
So this year I’ve decided to ‘internet date’. I’m a good package……..so lets see who is out there!