I love your expression of your struggle to find peace. Not to diminish what you shared (and I hope what I say makes sense), but the essence of what you feel and the freedom you long for reminds me of how I long for a world where people are safe from the ugly that we do to each other. I am a believer in the value of every human being, and carry the sadness that we don’t protect others rather that diminish, disrespect, exploit, devalue, etc.
I think what you enjoy about the togetherness with your friends is the ‘slice of perfect’ that it creates. I too would like to unshackle myself from this faulty human race. I would like to be able to breathe easier because the awful doesn’t exist … racism, sexism, bullying, slavery, snobbery, unkindness, etc.
I will end on a beautiful note and say though, that the balm of true accepting connection is the strongest! The most healing of all, and can suspend you in a healing place long enough to embolden you and make you brave; providing rest to again face life.
You are not alone!
