Singleness is Your Fault (Partially)

Have you noticed that something is amiss? Despite what some experts will tell you, unfortunately, your singleness is probably partially your fault. You are responsible for at least part of your relationship and dating (or lack thereof) history.

I remember when I was 23 and my church pastor told me that I was single by choice. He told me that I could go out tomorrow, meet a guy and get married. The only thing stopping me was the requirements I had for a life partner.

It was the truth. It’s not wrong to have requirements for a life partner by any means. Identifying what you are looking for in a partner is akin to choosing an employer. It does, however, limit “the field”. Essentially, our choices have inhibited our relationships with both positive and negative outcomes.

Take some time to map out your relationship story. Feel free to make it visual or personalise it. Include the people you’ve dated or had relationships with or even just crushes in the map. Describe them. Describe the DNA of your relationship with each person. This should take a while — don’t rush it. I’ve attached an example in the appendix to start you off if you need it.

This next step is the most important part but if your map has been rushed, it won’t be as helpful. Ensure you have been thorough. Once it is complete, ask yourself some questions and look for patterns:

• What were the lengths of the relationships?
• What sorts of partners have I been choosing?
• How did each of these partners relate to their family/friends/exes?
• What similarities have these people in common?
• How did we meet?
• How did it end?
• What crisis points did the relationship have?
• What was good about each relationship?
• What was bad about each relationship?

The questions are just a start but you get the idea. There are probably patterns that you will notice that you won’t want to repeat* (and some that you will want to repeat). Write down anything you might forget and put it aside. Then, do what you want with the map. You might want to keep it, bin it or even burn it. But know that from this point on, YOU are having a fresh start. You might even seek therapy about anything that concerns you about your past relationship choices. With the right therapist (not your best friend or barman), you can travel on a road to healthier relationships and even healing.