The collapsing of confidence

From the Mary El Tarot

Welcome back dear friends, the album inspiring this week’s writing is Surrealistic Pillow, by Jefferson Airplane, and the current tea crush is an orange and cacao blend stealing my heart, along with this cool night breeze filtering into my room, which is as the Flemish say quite gezellig! This week I want to speak to you about those periods when our natural level of confidence suddenly collapses.

Sometimes in life we have those moments when all confidence is lost, obscured or hidden so far away there seems to be no way to make sense of what is up or down. What was previously experienced as healthy and strong and solid beneath our feet can nose-dive without warning, leaving us feeling like we are crashing through one floor after another on a free fall towards an ominous unknown. This, to say the least, is a rather alarming and unnerving experience. But there is gold yet to be uncovered, there awaits hidden treasures from your own soul, do not despair just yet!

Let me pause here to confess I have been having one of these cycles this weekend, collapsing, crashing, breaking down and in a free-fall through floor after floor of my own subterranean levels. It is scary, it will push you to your very limits, I have cried and felt as helpless as a small child, the same fears and loss of confidence we have each experienced during the processes of our earlier development. We still carry traces of those humiliations and wounds and triggers which can pull us back into a similar place of complete powerlessness.

But remember, I did promise treasures, gifts of your own soul only you can claim, though to make them your own you first must be willing to face life from this place of fractured confidence, no hiding, no escaping, no blocking the feelings away. This is the great challenge, to allow this stage of the cycle its due, all things return in this life, the end which creates so much terror and trepidation, we must somehow find the courage to bow down before this. One floor at a time, one collapse after the other. Sometimes the greatest strength is allowing these moments of clearing away and cleansing, even as all our old fears rise to reclaim us.

It is not easy, if we are not quaking before such a challenge we have not truly given ourselves to the adventure. But we can be certain of this: We are like phoenixes, we created them because this is a central truth about all our own growth. We reach a natural limit and then a kind of death must arrive, we must come back to ashes so something stronger, braver, truer, freer might be reborn. It feels like death, it makes us panic like some finality is at hand, but this is rebirth, this is stepping out of a world we are familiar with and entering one where we might become something larger, more expansive, something closer to the magic and mystery of our soul’s rarest treasure.

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