A Day in the Life of a Depressed Person
A Soliloquy, a Monologue…? A Vomiting of Thoughts.
After days that slipped into weeks that sunk into months of procrastinating and feeling sorry for myself while not really admitting I felt sorry for myself… I finally admitted that I failed. At the finish line.. Like a complete …. (lets not finish that)
I wrote for 29 days straight and told myself I’d do something big and grand on the last day… Id even voluntarily not post anything for a couple days to make the final 30th day post more epic. Twas to be a Manifesto. Like the ones Seth Godin does…
Then I didnt… and didnt even want to admit it.
A month later I continued to not admit my failure; telling myself that I am simply extending this out for the rest of the year so that I can post this super long and amazing Manifesto to kick off 2016.
Another month later I was kicking my myself in the … (lets not finish that either)
In the end I realized that there was no way around it. I failed. Out of fear? Of what? Success? Not being accepted? Of failing? I dont know… I just failed. Because I let myself slide. I made up an excuse as to why I could not (or would not) do a hard thing, and masked it as a viable explanation. Its not the first time. Though I usually do finish what I start… at least when it gets that far in the game, I rarely ever persist when things get hard. Usually because most things I do are done effortlessly, or with little real work. I took advantage of my own talents.
Most people find reading everyday to be difficult. I dont. Most people find writing in a grammatically correct sentence difficult. I dont. (I even think myself able to ‘play with grammar’). In (grade)school I was a high achiever and graduated with a 4.1GPA relatively easy; while participating in sports and clubs. My first jobs were fairly high paying compared to my peers. I found it easy to grasp the basics of quantum physics and various string theories and coding and other ‘arcane’ stuff by reading online… all fairly easily… where most people will have not even tried.
And I only just now realized that I have been abusing this.
I mean, most people find it hard to stop stroking their ego and be humble. I usually dont. I in fact secretly pride myself on being able to hate myself… as if I could give myself a confidence boost at being the least confident person with quiet confidence… (I know, makes no damn sense.. but it did for some reason).
I thought myself humble. I wasnt. I thought myself ready to tackle the big problems. I am not. I tricked myself into believing I gained wisdom from reading and observing much smarter people… I didnt.
At least not yet.
So here I am finally admitting all of this. Foolishly posting to the ‘world’ that I dont know what to do with myself. In a medium that doesnt quite know what it is doing with itself. Fitting. (Hey, no judgments Medium, I still think you’re awesome)
Thanks Yann Girad. Writing really does help… (and this is my # doing something scary, that may # help someone else, while # creating something)
And thanks Bryce Roberts…
I want to do things most people dont believe is possible. Therefore, I cant be most people. Here’s to doing what most people wont do:
Spilling there guts… online… where it may backfire… to some strangers… who probably dont care.
Since it seems like I have a terrible habit of writing these sorts of things late at night when I am too tired to truly fear the consequences; I am just going to keep writing… Feel free to keep reading if you have ever felt apathetic…
What do you do when you dont care about what to do?
At least when you dont feel like caring.
When it all seems so pointless…
What is this effect? Is it my fault? Is it some chemical imbalance or spiritual failure? Am I just a ‘broken’ person? Is it just me whining and ‘crying’ too much? Is it because I dont cry enough (ie at all)? Would physically shedding tears alleviate this complete dearth of feeling in my heart and mind?
Is this apathy? Or am I depressed?.. again?
And for what? I know there are literally millions, if not billions of people in a far far worse situation.. but how does knowing that help me get out of this ‘funk’? Am I simply a weak kid? Am I just another ‘entitled’ and ‘privileged’ ‘millennial’? Even if I am… someone slamming such ‘knowledge’ into my head doesn’t help. Just makes me feel worse…
But who cares right? At the end of the day… Im just another kid complaining about nothing… looking out onto this small world crying about how lost I feel in such a big place.
Just another lonely millennial looking for friends and a sense of belonging in a generation dubbed useless and an era ‘known’ to be antisocial.
But I suppose that is why I and how I come up with the ideas that I do…
Flubbi, a fun and productive ‘tool’ to fight depression and anxiety. That seems far more like a jiggly digital buddy then some software… At least it does in my mind.
And Socializer, a gamified method to ‘bump’ into new people online. A game and online ‘mall’ of sorts that slaps the ‘antisocial’ idea of the internet in the face by imitating and building on the concept of saying ‘hi’ to random person that very well may become a lifelong friend. Or just hang out with you when you’re bored.
And of course, The Exprimitence; the most epic and dynamic game ever created (in my head) that allows anyone anywhere to learn just about any real life skill and create real life products by simply playing the game… and make money doing it.
These ideas have been just floating around in my head, yet I have been throttling myself for being such a useless person. For failing to actually build on anything.
So what do you do when you feel like a failure? (even though I feel as if that plug was pretty nicely inputted)
I find that no one ever has the ‘answer’. No one has good advice. Just generic blahblah that they heard somewhere… or worse, something they learned from ‘experience’. Hah. Both of which are rarely, if ever, applicable to most people, least of all me.
But let me tell you about experience.
Through my uptimes in between bouts of depression, I was able to look back and analyze the thoughts and actions that went through my head while depressed. Meaning I was able to separate myself from most of the ‘experiences’ I had. And guess what I found… something that is apparent in anyone's ‘experiences,’ and also testable. It is a simple but hard truth for people to see… thus one rarely ever seen.
Experience is in fact, the worse teacher. Not the best, not the safest, not the most applicable… no, the worst. It is the ultimate teacher. People seem to have forgotten what that word means…
It means it is the last. The final one, ever. If you fail to learn from experience… its because you died… or worse… fated to repeat it until you do learn… or die…
But dont take it from me… im just some dumb kid.
I have. I even have begun to formulate a theory, a law, and a guide for applying this information as well. But dont believe me. Prove me wrong.. with evidence (not your bullshit ‘experiences’). And no pussyfooting around the subject either by arguing semantics. I dont mean literal events or interactions or every little thing you do in your life as experiences. In this context, and that which we most apply this form of, ‘experience is the best teacher’ addage to, I mean those moments in our lives where something happened (usually negative) and we gleaned a lesson, or felt we should have learned something from it.
So next time you get dumped, or fall down in public, or wear that shirt your mom told you to wear, or even did something positive and swore to yourself that you would ‘never do this again’ or felt as if you ‘learned something valuable’ … really look at that ‘experience’ again and apply it to that situation in every context. See if what you thought you learned could apply to someone else, or makes sense to someone smarter than you. See if you have actually grown wiser rather than more set in your ways. You will find that your lesson was learned out of fear, embarrassment, envy, or most likely some other negative feeling. Rare is it that we create and remember something truly positive in its nuance. As we often fail to note the slight and small things in life.
What makes ‘experience’ all the worse is that it pretends to be the best teacher. Thats like your English Professor telling you that he could teach every other subject way better than any other teacher… Even if he is a good teacher, I doubt you would appreciate his ego. So why the hell do we accept the tyranny of our own personal experiences so easily and readily?
Whatever we learn from our experiences… is just one thing. One data point that by no means shows a trend, fact, or law of the Universe.
As much as I feel worthless and feel as if I have learned some lesson from my depressive episodes… the only thing I have learned and will swear to, is that I have learned a lot more then I dare to admit. Not from what I have ‘experienced’.. but from what I have read from others, what I have observed from folks much smarter and wiser than myself, and what insights I have gained through removing myself from the experience.
As much as I feel as if I hate myself for feeling like such a failure… I know that what I truly fear is that I am greater than I can ever imagine. And you are too. (Note that such a smart lesson did not originate from me. Also note that this probably did not conclude as expected. :P )
And no… this has little to do with a day in my life… but vomiting my daily thoughts for all to see is far more productive… I think.
Thanks for reading.
Comment if you’ve learned something… or if you haven’t.
Reccomend this to any other mercurial fool you want to subject this too.
Share it on your social medias and show the hipsters how social you really are.
Best of luck on your inner journeys and tyrannical experiences.