A Eulogy For Everything I Remember Killing In My Lifetime

As I get older and death becomes a scarier and more looming prospect, I’m reminded of all the things in my lifetime that I have killed or let die under my care. In remembrance, I’d like to say a eulogy for each of these lost lives.

Worm (“Squirmy”), 1995–1995 I’ll never forget when I met Squirmy, a worm that I named retroactively just now. The year was 1995 and a bully in my neighborhood told me I could either eat a worm or he’d beat my ass. It was a tough decision, but ultimately I said, “Okay, I guess just beat my ass.” But then, after he beat my ass, it turned out I still had to eat the worm anyway. Anyway, that worm was Squirmy and though he’s long dead, I will always remember our time together, which is really unfortunate. Squirmy will be remembered for his courageous spirit and for being named Squirmy. Rest in peace.

Various Bugs, 1990-Present I’m just going to group all the bugs I’ve killed into one eulogy, because it would take a really long time to do them all separately and I have a thing. If there’s one thing I can say in remembrance of all the bugs I’ve killed it’s that they fought hard right up until the very end, which I did not appreciate. Rest in peace.

Goldfish (“Goldie”), 1996–1996 I won’t pretend to have known my deceased goldfish Goldie super well, but I can earnestly say that he was an absolute prize, awarded to me at a carnival ring toss. And while I had big dreams of taking Goldie home and providing him a great life, he instead died at the carnival, just like so many other friends of mine have done. I think that if Goldie were here right now he would say, “Thanks for naming me ‘Goldie,’ it’s a good name because it describes what I look like.” No problem, Goldie. Rest in peace.

Unnamed Raccoon, ????-2006 I am deeply saddened over the loss of the beloved raccoon I accidentally hit with my car in 2006. I am also deeply sorry that I couldn’t come up with a good name for the raccoon. I keep wanting to say “Rocky Raccoon” but apparently this band I’ve been meaning to check out called The Beatles already named a raccoon that. Anyway, no living creature deserves to die by being unceremoniously ran over by a car, but think about this: how messed up would it be to get ceremoniously run over by a car? We should remember that as we grieve and move on. Rest in peace.

Unnamed Family of Mice, 2013–2014 This loving, hardworking family of 12 showed up in my apartment in 2013, and while I welcomed their company at first, we later had our fair share of squabbles (mostly over food) that resulted in me poisoning them. And while I still carry that guilt with me, who among us hasn’t poisoned a family of 12? I know they’re in a better place now, where hopefully they have learned more about boundaries. Rest in peace.

Peace Lily Houseplant (2016–2017) The peace lily is often billed as a “hard to kill” houseplant, and it pains me deeply to say that it is actually very easy. One easy way to do it is to go on a huge vacation without hiring a plant-sitter first. While this elegant, noble houseplant’s life was unfortunately cut short by dehydration, the two months that it spent under my roof were some of the best of my life, because I spent them in Sandals, Jamaica, which is very beautiful. Rest In Peace.

Peace Lily Houseplant #2 (2017–2017) So it turns out that if you give a plant too much water it will die too, which is frustrating because, come on man, do you want the water or not? Grow up. I feel like this one isn’t on me but rest in peace.

The Great Barrier Reef (-5900ish — 2017ish) While we are all partially responsible for the slow, tragic death of the Great Barrier Reef, I am proud to be the first one brave enough to publicly eulogize it. Unfortunately The Great Barrier Reef and I never met, but I know that if we had we would have have hit it off — I, too, have spent most of my life sedentary, wet and covered in trash and many people are trying to kill me. Rest in peace.

Golden Retriever (“Hulk”) 2009–2019

In his youth, Hulk was a gorgeous, lively house pet, but unfortunately in his later years his health took a turn and he had to be euthanized. Having a pet put to sleep is an incredibly tough decision, especially when it’s not yours, but such is life I guess. Rest In peace.