Good afternoon. As your Mayor, it is my pleasure to be here commencing our county fair’s 15th annual hot dog eating contest. Of course, this year’s event is a little bittersweet, as it’s our first hot dog eating contest since the death of “Dogman” Wayne, the reigning champion of the past 14 years. “Dogman” Wayne died tragically of a heart attack at last year’s hot dog eating contest after eating 43 hot dogs. God, that guy could eat hot dogs. But I’m sure you guys will all do great.

“Dogman” Wayne is here with us in spirit. I know he’s looking down from the heavens and he’s smiling. Smiling because he knows that if he was here, he would absolutely decimate the competition, leaving nothing but a greasy trail of destruction in his wake, like he always did. Always. But it’s fine, don’t be intimidated by the massive shoes “Dogman” Wayne left behind to be filled. No one should have the burden of living in “Dogman” Wayne’s shadow. Just have some fun up there.

“Dogman” Wayne always had fun. God, he was such a great showman. Remember how he used to juggle those hot dogs before he ate them? And he never dropped a dog. Ever. Or remember that trick he used to do where he’d line a bunch of hot dogs up in a straight line on the pavilion floor, back up a little bit and then run and dive and slide across the floor and gobble up all the hot dogs in one swift move like a giant whale scooping up a school of fish in its mouth? But, it would be unfair of us to expect that kind of show from any of you guys. I think we all know there will never be another “Dogman” Wayne. So just, I don’t know, have a good time eating those hot dogs. Today’s winner will be the county’s new hot dog eating champion.

Hot dog eating “champion.”

To the audience gathered here today to watch the event, I say this — Let’s just agree not to get our hopes up. I’m sure that whatever today’s winning number of hot dogs is, “Dogman” Wayne could eat that amount of hot dogs in the time that it’d take you to recall your mother’s name. So let’s just sit back, enjoy, and watch a couple of townies nibble away at unspectacular amounts of hot dogs.

Such a nice guy, too. “Dogman” Wayne, I mean. Even though he was a true rockstar through and through—the Elvis Presley of our town’s annual county fair—he was always so humble and cool. Never declined an autograph request. He would sign anyone’s hot dog. And I’m sure you all remember two years ago when, after winning the hot dog contest, he took everybody out for hot dogs. “Dogman” Wayne ate 17 more hot dogs at that afterparty, on top of the 38 he ate to win the contest. Do you know how many hot dogs the 2nd place winner ate? 3-and-a-half. 3-and-a-half hot dogs. “Dogman” Wayne used to eat that many hot dogs to warm up before the contest. God, he was amazing. So, so, good. Anyway, enough about “Dogman” Wayne. Let’s hear it for this year’s competitors. I don’t know their names, I’m sorry, I forgot to write them down.

I’ll tell you a name that definitely isn’t here though and that’s “Dogman” Goddamn Wayne. SORRY, sorry. This just doesn’t sit right with me, doing the contest without “Dogman.” But I guess since everyone’s already here and we already have a couple hundred hot dogs cooked up then, whatever, do what you want to do. He was the best we’ve ever known and ever will.

As your Mayor I don’t approve of this contest and I am not comfortable being a part of it. This is like Woodstock ‘09. I can’t watch this. My preemptive “congratulations” to the “winner.” The contest will begin at the sound of the buzzer. Enjoy your hot dogs. I’m going to visit “Dogman” Wayne’s grave.




i’m a comedy writer from new york

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Lucas Gardner

Lucas Gardner

i’m a comedy writer from new york

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