My Campaign Ad Against The Mayor From “Jaws”
Open on the gorgeous coastal waters of Amity Island. Citizens splash and play in the pristine blue ocean, not a care in the world. I narrate: “Mayor Vaughn claims to love Amity… but does he?”
Suddenly the water turns blood red. (We will need a computer graphics team) I chime in and narrate again: “Mayor Vaughn, there is blood on your hands.” We cut to a still of Mayor Vaughn with blood on his hands. (We’ll photoshop this).
Text appears on screen that says: “Under Mayor Vaughn’s leadership, attacks by sharks such as Jaws have increased exponentially.”
Cut to me standing on the front yard of my beautiful Amity home (we’ll need to rent a house for the day), flanked by my beautiful wife and children (we will need to cast actors). I look directly to camera and say, “Isn’t it time for a mayor who cares about the safety of his citizens?”
We cut to footage of Jaws devouring a group of teenagers. Over this, I narrate: “Mayor Vaughn kept the beach open despite knowing it was infected with sharks. With him as Mayor, over 10,000 people got eaten by Jaws.” (Note to director: Is it okay to lie in the ad? Only a few people got eaten by Jaws, but it would help to say that it was actually 10,000 because that’s a huge number)
Cut to footage of me in a boat taking out a whole school of sharks with a bow-and-arrow. (We’ll need to hire me a “double”) I narrate again: “I have a proven track record of hating sharks. In fact, I have a kill count of over 5,000 sharks. And what’s Mayor Vaughn’s stance on sharks?”
Immediately cut to some leaked audio of Mayor Vaughn saying, “I think sharks rule, especially Jaws, and I think it’s good that he ate all those people. I hope he eats more.” (Note: We will need to have a mole, perhaps some sort of seductress, trick Mayor Vaughn into saying this, into a tape recorder)
Cut back to me on my front lawn, my children still next to me, each of them holding up their report cards (which are really good), as I shake my head and say: “Amity deserves a mayor who doesn’t think shark attacks are ‘good.’ A mayor like me. Hi, I’m Lucas, and I want to keep you safe.”
We then cut to some testimonials of people from Amity describing how I saved them from Jaws. (We’ll need more actors for this, and someone to script their lines) They say things like, “Jaws was about to get me, but Lucas showed up just in time and saved me,” etc. At one point one of them should say something like, “I got back to shore and saw Mayor Vaughn shaking his head,” as if Mayor Vaughn was disappointed that a shark attack didn’t happen. (Maybe we can hire an actor who looks just like Mayor Vaughn and actually have him say, “I’m disappointed that a shark attack didn’t happen”)
We then show a still shot of a petition that I wrote to Mayor Vaughn years ago urging him to please take care of the shark problem, as if I’ve been working on this for years. (Someone will have to write it). I narrate: “I’ve been campaigning for Mayor Vaughn to take care of Jaws for years, and what was his response?”
Cut to a still of a letter that Mayor Vaughn wrote back to me that says, “No, I refuse to get rid of Jaws because I like him.” (Someone will have to write this)
Cut back to me, taxidermying the head of a shark I killed. (We’ll need a props department). I look to camera and say, “This coming election, make a vote for change. Vote for Lucas, because a vote for Lucas is a vote for less deaths-by-shark.” Just in case it’s not clear that I killed the shark whose head I’m taxidermying, someone should come in and say, “Hey, that’s the head of the shark that I saw you kill.”
We freeze frame on a shot of me playing catch with my kids in the backyard. “Paid for by the Friends of Lucas foundation,” someone narrates. Which reminds me, note to director: we’ll need to launch the “Friends of Lucas Foundation,” so that they can pay for this.