Selections From “Ask A Big Guy,” My Love Advice Column For Children

Lucas Gardner
May 29 · 4 min read

For over 75 years now I have been the author behind “Ask A Big Guy,” a love advice column for grade school children. Below is a collection of some of the greatest hits from “Ask A Big Guy.”

Dear Lucas,

I have been boyfriend/girlfriend with Marie for one hour but I want to break up now. What should I do? -Joshua, age 6

Joshua, it sounds like you and Marie have had a great run but it’s time to follow your instincts. I see so many kids get stuck in unhappy relationships for one, two, even three hours, and I’d hate for you to get trapped like that. If you can’t imagine you and Marie still together in the third grade then you need to move on. Best of luck.

Dear Lucas,

Sarah peed her pants in art but I still like her. Should I get married with her and live with her in a house? -Hunter, age 7

It sounds like you really like Sarah and I think you need to just go for it. That being said, don’t get ahead of yourself — getting married and owning a house together is a huge step that frankly I don’t think you’re ready for. A good rule of thumb is if you still pee your pants in art you shouldn’t get married and buy a house. Start by asking Sarah to be your girlfriend and take it from there.

Dear Lucas,

I would like to get married with Jack who lives in my neighborhood but I lost my teeth. -Lauren, age 9

Insecurity can be paralyzing — so few of us feel perfectly comfortable in our bodies — but if Jack who lives in your neighborhood is the one, then he will look past, and perhaps even delight in, minor imperfections such as your teeth falling out.

Dear Lucas,

I like Michelle from Mr. Parker’s class but she likes Ian so I will beat up Ian. How can I beat up Ian? -Colin, age 7

Colin, unrequited love can be devastating, and it’s typical for feelings of desperation to come with it, but violence is never the answer. There’s an old saying — “If you like something, set it free” — that I think you should adhere to in a situation like this. If you truly like Michelle from Mr. Parker’s class then you should let her be happy with Ian. Do not try to beat up Ian.

Dear Lucas,

I want 100 girlfriends -Nicholas, age 5

I’m not sure there’s a question here but I’ll try to weigh in. Generally I believe that polygamy is a perfectly healthy and respectable lifestyle assuming all parties involved communicate openly and honestly, but I have to say that 100 is a lot of girlfriends. Start with one or two and if that’s manageable then work your way up to having 100 girlfriends.

Dear Lucas,

I hate boys and they are all ugly except for that I like Trevor. I give him my lunch so he will like me but he still doesn’t like me. What else? -Carolyn, age 7

Carolyn, love is not a simple transaction and it can not be traded for lunch. Try striking up a conversation with Trevor, instead of defaulting to giving him your entire lunch, so he can get to know the real you. I’m sure that in time he’ll realize that what you really have to offer is your kindness and companionship. It’s very important that you eat lunch.

Dear Lucas,

I hate Stacy and I don’t even think she is pretty. I kick dirt at her at the bus stop. -Roger, age 5

Now Roger, it is very clear to me that you in fact don’t hate Stacy and you do think she is pretty. Sometimes when we have a crush on someone and we don’t know what to do about it, it can be easy to default to kicking dirt at them at the bus stop. I have never heard of this working! Try talking to Stacy instead.

Dear Lucas,

Where does Aladdin live? I would like him to be my husband and we will have ten kids. -Gwen, age 10

To be blunt, no you won’t. Aladdin is not a real guy and furthermore you are too young to be thinking about having ten kids. I don’t know if you’ve learned counting yet, but ten is a lot. Try talking to some human boys at your school or in your neighborhood.

Dear Lucas,

I’ve been going through my wife’s texts and emails for about a year now. I’ve discovered that she is having an affair with her boss. I want to confront her but I don’t even know where to begin. We have three children and I don’t want to tear the family apart but I can’t just pretend that I don’t know this is going on. I feel completely lost. What should I do? -Gus, age 47

That sounds really tough but this column is for children. Best of luck Gus.

Dear Lucas,

When I grow up I will get married to my mom because she is pretty and she is nice to me. -Arthur, age 6

I’m going to be frank with you: this is generally not accepted in society. Even in places where marrying a relative is legal and accepted it’s usually not a son/mom thing. My recommendation is to seek cognitive behavioral therapy to help manage these feelings. I think in time you will learn to appreciate girls who are pretty and nice to you who aren’t your mom.

Dear Lucas,

Which is better Thor or a dinosaur? -Troy, age 3-and-a-half

Hey Troy, this column is really more for love advice but I’m going to say Thor. Thanks for reaching out.

Lucas Gardner

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