When I Die, I Want My Funeral To Be A PARTY

Lucas Gardner
Jul 23, 2018 · 3 min read

When I die, I don’t want people standing around in some cemetery looking all sad and crying — I want my funeral to be a PARTY! It should be a celebration of my life, with all my friends getting together to have a fun time in my honor. But not too much fun, because I won’t be able to be there — It shouldn’t be a party that would make me jealous.

But it should still be a blast. For starters, there’s got to be a killer playlist with my favorite music. But not my most favorite music, because that’s kind of “mine” and I don’t want you guys listening to it without me. I showed you guys that music. Everyone knows I’m a big music guy.

I want it to be a party where people cut loose and DANCE instead of moping around. But take it easy, because I really liked to dance and I don’t love the idea of all my friends getting together to dance without me. Maybe just one or two dances, and don’t do anything too flashy. Don’t touch each other.

All my boys from when I was alive will be there to celebrate me. But not my best boys, because I would be bummed to miss that. Maybe just my boys that I only kind of liked (Clarke, Kenneth, etc.). All of my girl friends should come though, because there should be a lot of girls there — It’s a party. You know what, I’m just going to make a list of who’s allowed to come and who isn’t. I’ll get that out this week.

Instead of being sad and doing eulogies, I want you all to laugh and tell your favorite stories about me. But only if you’re good at telling them. I don’t want you guys to butcher all my good, funny stories. You know what, I’ll just write out the stories myself, and then before I die we can do some tryouts to see who tells them the best.

But none of that matters too much as long as it’s a freaking party! Good vibes and good conversation, that’s all I want. But also my guy friends are not allowed to talk to any of the girls I was friends with that I had crushes on, I won’t be disrespected in that way. I won’t say which girls those are (you wish!) so the guys should play it safe and not to talk to any the girls. But please, for me, have some fun! But also if anyone “hooks up” I swear to god I will claw myself out of the grave and drag you back down there with me.

Let’s talk FOOD! Everyone knows I’m a big time foodie, so make sure the food is bad, so that I won’t be upset I’m missing it. It would be very fucked up if you guys made it so that the food was great.

Forget about the dingy cemetery full of strange corpses and creepy old gravestones, have my funeral at a bar! But make sure it’s one that I didn’t like that much, so that I won’t be jealous. Maybe the Applebee’s in Times Square, because I hated that one, because they banned me for pretending to be someone’s waiter as a joke. That will be one of the stories I write for you guys
to tell. Do not mess that one up, because it’s my best story. You know what, I’m just going to record myself telling all my funny stories and you can show the video.

I want all my friends to toss a few back in my honor and get drunk! But not too drunk, because I really liked to get drunk when I was alive — it’s most likely why I died — so I don’t want you guys doing it without me. You can have one or two drinks at this party, but then you have to go home. And do not drive, lest you get into an accident and die or whatever— this is supposed to be my night.

And forget about the stuffy suits and the black dresses. It’s a PARTY — you guys are free to wear whatever clothes that you’re comfortable in as long as you look hot.

The point is: make my funeral a freakin’ rager! I would do the same for any of my loved ones, regardless of their wishes.

Lucas Gardner

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i’m a comedy writer from new york