Donald Trump shows America what a pile of paper looks like

Tonight, President-Elect Donald Trump took to the stage for his debut performance in the highly anticipated, political satire called This is Really Happening. Demonstrating the superiority of the technique of method acting, Trump gave a convincing, yet somehow devastating, show of a capricious, narcissistic imbecile incapable of formulating a complete sentence. Amongst several unusual twists that the Trump administration made to the original piece, was the addition of a vast pile of badly stacked paperwork.

If you had a succinct lack of critical faculties, you might mistake this steaming stack of off-white paperwork as proof of Trumps impartiality and trustworthiness. Else, it’s the mountain of legal documents necessary to pretend you won’t speak to your sons for four years. We were carefully informed by one of Trump’s lawyers about the ‘wall’ that Trump is building between himself and the trust. All the while, Don Jr is stood in the wings ready to report to, offer support, put out contracts and suck dick for his father. But no, I’m sure Trump will only hear about his company’s affairs through the newspapers…

The Don took special care to inform us how yugely successful his company is and took care to emphasise the value of its assets, betraying a strangely piteous inferiority complex for arguably the most powerful man in the world. Even his lawyer sang the praises of his ‘very valuable’ estate that he couldn’t possibly part with, averting her eyes from an orange hand resting inside its jacket.

Between the incorrigible yet incoherent string of superlatives punctuated with the word ‘China’, Trump dodged questions like Neo avoids bullets, or your mum avoids a diet. Eventually he jibed that ‘nobody cares about his taxes’ whilst some of those present in the hall cheered at the prospects of paying for his anti-Mexican fence -sorry Mr Trump, ‘wall’- and that they had drained the swamp of those corrupt, out-of-touch elitists. Trump has also stated he will not be releasing his birth certificate either.

Unsurprisingly, whilst conceding that Russia was involved in hacking for political motives during the election, there was no way that they had any dirt on him because he’s a good boy. Besides, they all have minuscule cameras in those hotel bedrooms don’t you know? Like the ones in Trump Tower. Well these spurious new documents were probably planted by ‘the intelligence’ anyway.

But, if a tiny pair of hands gesticulating at a stack of paperwork didn’t prove to you this Trump guy is the best thing since some chubby hands waved in front of a red bus with £350m plastered on its side, I don’t know what will.

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