UKIP supporters consider child sacrifice to stop migrants

UKIP supporters in the north east have proposed a radical new way to quell the flow of migrants crossing the channel.

“We tried voting for Brexit”, says Debbie McGuff from Sunderland, “But nearly a year later they’ve still not buggered off. We’re getting desperate.” When asked about what measures should be taken to stop the migrants she replied, “Well first we’ve got to shut the boarder to stop any more of those smug gits coming over here, then we’ve gotta deal with the ones that have already go in.”

“I’ve got not confidence that the government will stop immigration”, says Darren, wearing a UKIP badge and a face like a slapped arse. “So we need to take matters into our own hands. I read on INFOWARS that immigrants sustain themselves on the tears of small children, so we’re going to cut off their food supply. When my wife gives birth next month the first thing I’m going to do is hand it over to our local UKIP candidate who’s gonna sacrifice the child to Brexit.”

(Artist’s interpretation)

When asked what she thought of the idea, Darren’s wife Janet told us, “Well, I’d rather strangle a baby with my bare hands before I see another immigrant come over here. As a mother, I think it’s worse to let my kids grow up in a country where they might have to interact with people who look or talk differently to them. It’s kinder this way.”

The UKIP councillor who will be conducting the ritual likens it to an offering to the pagan gods of old. “As well as starving the immigrants of their primary food source, the ritual also mirrors the ceremonies conducted by British Druids for thousands of years. If human sacrifice worked for them it can work for us too.” He will be conducting the ritual behind Asda on a wheelie bin draped in a Union Flag. “If this doesn’t work I don’t know what will.”

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