They do not deserve your love if they mistreat you with it. If they take your generosity and kindness and care and turn around and trash it. If they are manipulative, toxic, or emotionally abusive. If they take advantage of your love to get their own needs met without ever meeting yours. If they use your love to make themselves feel better and you feel worse. If they use your trust and affection and care to lie, cheat, or steal. If they gaslight, blame, shame, or any number of other ugly behaviors, they do not deserve your active love.
I wish I had known these things before she used me as her object for pleasure. I felt bad when she did all those things to me but then, I gave our “so called” relationship a chance because that’s how a relationship survives — you don’t take things by heart and forgive you partner. You treat your partner with love and care and can expect the same in return. Didn’t we read as a kid one should be forgiving and always be nice to others even if it meant being nice to your enemies? Godliness lies in forgiveness. But I didn’t know it came with such an irrevocable pain for a life time. It’s almost over a year now and I’m still stuck there wishing I could change the past or things I should not have done in the first place. I should have stopped the very moment I was censured, abused, criticized for my thought process for being subservient to authority just because Indians were ruled by British and hence slavery was in our bloodline. But I forgave her.
She indicted me of rebuffing my mother when she approached me to talk about my dead twin brother who I don’t even remember since we were less than a year old. But she didn’t acknowledge that I too didn’t know how to comfort my mum for losing her son in his infancy. And yet, I forgave her.
I was trolled online for a misunderstanding and approached her for comfort because I thought she knew me better than others. Instead, she took their favor only to criticize me further. But again, she only SEEMED to comfort me when my trollers understood that they were misunderstood. Perhaps she had more faith in my trollers than me. Yet again, I forgave her.
I travelled 7500 mi to meet her for the first time. I thought we were in love — she was in love with me. But she deceived me into believing we were in “relationship” when it was nothing short of even dalliance. She had her sexual needs met and rebuffed me stating she was hypomanic and had already ascertained this was not going to work. What? I kept asking her the entire time what she felt but she always escaped discussing about us. Why did she even get physically intimate with me when she had already ascertained about us? She never told me what she thought about us while kept me in oblivion we were in love and hence I touched her. She raped me and yet she asserts it was consensual.
Love certainly is toxic. It has taken a part of me permanently and she knew what love meant to me. I was hesitant at the beginning. But she pursued me into being optimistic about us. What a shame on me. This is never going to heal. I won’t let it heal. Even time helps those who give it a chance to heal. I don’t think I can ever let time to touch my wounds.
