Break(it)down.

I am such a happy girl. People say it, I know it. I don’t take bad moments in life so seriously. Things never got to me. I smile a lot.

But maybe I grow up. Then, not so long ago, I started to realise that I am not a happy girl. There are moments in my life when I suddenly feel like everything is too much and I can’t take it. Though it only lasts a few minutes, I failed the qualification of a happy girl.

And I call it a breakdown.

You know, when your heart feels heavy and your shoulders too, it feel like you’re carrying a lot of burden. And for certain days, I cry.

I do write it down. But I can’t get it organise so I just write everything on a paper closest to my reach. But it is also hard. Sometimes I just stare blankly on that paper, confuse on where to start. Or even when I try to type it down on my laptop. It isn’t easy. Talk about it with other people is also not easy.

But in my case, sometimes I don’t feel it anymore around people. Well, I can calm myself down fast.

I will never blame myself anymore for losing my friends. I will never feel sad when someone is mad at me when I know it’s not my fault. I will never try to reach people who don’t wanna be reached anymore.

But I still do feel bad about my mom’s financial problems, my dad’s mental condition, my older brothers’ life and personalities, my little brother’s future. My own problems and conditions and life and personalities and future. Relations with my boyfriend, my friends.

It’s just too much and I don’t seem to have enough room to think about all that. I need to have some peace on my mind.

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